


Winter Has A Name

by marvelfan



Series: Winter Has A Name [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftercare, Aftermath of Violence, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blindfolds, Blow Jobs, Bottom Bucky, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes as Captain America, Captivity, Civil War Fix-It, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Dirty Talk, Dom Steve Rogers, Dom/sub, Dom/sub Undertones, Electrocution, F/M, Fighting, First Dates, Flashbacks, Food Issues, Food Poisoning, Hydra (Marvel), Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kink Negotiation, Kissing, M/M, Making Love, Miscommunication, Name-Calling, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Nightmares, Non-Consensual Blow Jobs, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Panic Attacks, Post-Coital Cuddling, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Praise Kink, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Steve Rogers, Psychological Torture, Punishment, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recovered Memories, Red Room, Relationship Negotiation, Rimming, Running, Safewords, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Sex, Spanking, Sparring, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers as the Winter Soldier, Sub Bucky Barnes, Suicide Attempt, Team Bonding, Top Steve Rogers, Torture, Touch-Starved, Ultron never happened, Violence, deprogramming, touch deprevation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-14 20:50:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 72,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7189697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marvelfan/pseuds/marvelfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve falls from the train instead of Bucky and becomes the Winter Soldier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Falling To Pieces

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [El Invierno Tiene Nombre](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7666759) by [F__kingFreak](https://archiveofourown.org/users/F__kingFreak/pseuds/F__kingFreak)



> I love Winter Soldier!Steve and really wanted to write a fic about it because I don't think there are enough fics out there for it.
> 
> I think I included all the tags but if I missed anything please let me know. Please read the tags for anything that could be triggering to you. 
> 
> Ultron never happened in this fic and it is not Civil War compliant because I have certain feelings about that movie.
> 
> The first chapter is beta'd by my wonderful friend Kristin, so thank you to her for pointing out all of my horrible grammatical errors. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy reading it! Let me know what you think in the comments. Thanks!

It's cold on top of the mountain, it's cold everywhere they go. Steve and Bucky are looking on toward the train tracks, Steve thinking about what needs to be done. The other soldiers of the Howling Commandos are setting up the radio, tracking the train, and scouting for any potential threats. Bucky looks forward, remembering a gem from his past.

"Remember when I made you ride the Cyclone at Coney Island," he asks, a small smile on his face.

"Yeah, when I threw up" Steve replies, not particularly fond of that memory.

"This isn’t payback, is it?"

A small devious smirk grows on Steve's face. "Now why would I do that?"

Both men turn in unison when Jones confirms Zola's placement on the train.

Steve, Bucky, and Jones are the ones to brace the dangerous trip to the train. No one, not even God himself, could have stopped Bucky from following Steve. He would follow him anywhere.

Steve and Bucky go inside searching for Zola. As soon as Steve steps through the second door in front of Bucky, it shuts, locking the two away from each other. Men begin firing at Bucky, while Steve has to deal with a  machine that is equipped with a special Hydra gun.

After knocking the machine out, Steve fires his way through to Bucky, helping him eliminate the Hydra agents shooting at them.

"I had him on the ropes."

"I know you did," Steve remembering how many times he'd use the same comeback.

Before they could do anything, the machine is walking towards them, gun firing. Steve reacts quickly, pushing Bucky out of the way. In the process, the side of the train is blown clean off. The machine takes fire once more just as Steve throws his shield at the machine. The blond was blown out of the train in the process, just managing to hold tight onto the railing.

Bucky quickly climbs onto the railing, telling Steve to hold on, that he's coming. "Steve, grab my hand," he yells, trying his best to reach his hand out as far as it will go.

Steve reaches his hand out, but the railing snaps, unable to support his weight. His screams are the last thing Bucky hears from him.

__

Later that evening, Bucky is sitting alone in a worn out bar, drinking his way through each and every bottle. He hears Peggy walk up behind him, not sure how he's quite able to hear that well, but he does nonetheless.

Wiping his tears away, he reaches for the bottle. "I think whatever they did to me made it harder for me to get drunk".

Peggy pulls out the chair opposite him, sitting down and studying his face before speaking. "It wasn't your fault".

"Did you read the report?"

"Yes".

"Then you know that's not true," he huffs out.

"You did everything you could." She watches him sit quietly, the pain etched over every inch on skin. "Did you believe in your friend? Did you respect him?" He nods. "Then stop blaming yourself. Allow Steve the dignity of his choice. He damn well must have thought you were worth it".

Bucky knows she's hurting, but he's hurting too, probably more so. Steve was his everything, the only thing he had to live for. Now that's gone, and all that's left is avenging his friend, his brother, the man he loved more than anything.

"I'm going after Schmidt. I'm not gonna stop 'til all of Hydra is dead or captured".

"You won't be alone," she assures him.

__

Bucky sits at the head of the table, listening to Colonel Phillips discuss where Schmidt is.

Gabe finally speaks up, "So what are we going to do? It's not like we can just walk in through the front door".

"Why not?" He feels all eyes turn on him, looking at him like he's crazy. He looks up from the table, making sure to look everyone in the eye before saying, "That's exactly what we're gonna do".

The Howling Commandos stare at each other, knowing that Bucky is ready for a suicide mission. They couldn't be more willing to follow.

__

Bucky is captured by Hydra just like the plan called for. He listens to Schmidt give his sickening speech, wanting to puke.

"So what makes you so special?"

"Nothing, I'm just a kid from Brooklyn." He's prepared for the hit to the face that Schmidt delivers. A surge of pride in the pit of his stomach rises, knowing Steve would have said something similar.

The Howling Commandos break the glass and it's an all out war.

Bucky follows Red Skull, chasing after him like he's the only other person on Earth, and that is a dangerous mindset. He sees the Red Skull climbing into a plane before he's running after him with such ferocity. He refuses to let this man escape. Along the way, Colonel Philips and Peggy pull up aside him in a car, motioning for him to hop on as they drive towards the plane. Once he's close enough, Bucky jumps onto the plane through the back entrance.

Bucky is able to dismantle one of the bombs Hydra has before an agent hops into the one marked "New York" and begins take off. Without a second thought, he jumps on the plane, rips the top off and throws the agent out. He flies it back into the plane, with his mind mission-focused. His mission: destroy Schmidt.

He walks through door that leads to the front of the plane. As the door closes, he hears one of the specialized guns rear up. Bucky quickly jumps out of the way of the blast, before turning and throwing the shield at Schmidt, looking disgusting with his red face. Seriously, Bucky doesn't think he'll ever get used to that, or not have nightmares about that face.

The Red Skull has Bucky on the ground, listening to his speech as he circles the blue cube, what Schmidt calls the Tesseract. Bucky knows one thing about it - it will bring nothing but trouble. Schmidt, overwhelmed with power, grabs a hold of the cube and disintegrates before Bucky's unbelieving eyes.

Bucky catalogs any serious injuries he might have, and finding none, thankfully. He knows there are still bombs on the plane. He knows what he has to do. He takes the pilot seat, looking out into the beautiful sky filled with clouds below and above him. It's peaceful.

"Come in, this is Sergeant Barnes. Do you read me?"

Peggy slides Morita out of the way so she can communicate with Barnes. "Barnes is that you? Are you alright?"

"Peggy, Schmidt's dead."

"What about the plane?"

Bucky presses the buttons on the cockpit, hoping one of them will work. None do. Rolling his eyes that nothing will work, he replies, "That's a little harder to explain."

"Give me your coordinates, and I'll find you a safe landing site."

"There's not gonna be a safe landing site," his voice grim. "But I can try and force it down."

Peggy doesn't notice that Colonel Phillips has shuffled himself and Morita out of the room, giving these two their privacy.

"I'll, I'll get Howard on the line, he'll know what to do."

"There's not enough time. This thing's moving too fast and it's heading for New York." He takes a few steadying breaths before continuing. "I have to put her in the water."

"Please don't do this. We have time, we can work it out." She doesn't want to lose him. She already lost Steve, and she doesn't want to lose his best friend too. Her concern is evident in her voice.

"Right now I'm in the middle of nowhere. If I wait any longer, a lot of people are gonna die." There's nothing but silence over the radio, both knowing what needs to be done. "Peggy… this is my choice."

Bucky plays with the controls on the plane, figuring out how to plunge it. He finds the right handle and pushes it down, being pushed back into his seat from gravity. He's putting the plane down. It's only fitting, dying during his most hated time of year: winter.

He takes one look at the picture he has of Steve, and knows that he's doing the right thing.

"Peggy."

"I'm here."

"I'm gonna see Steve again."

"Tell him I said hello," tears rushing down her face. She knows Bucky can hear her crying, but she doesn't care.

"I will… Don't be sad Peg. I'm gonna be with him."

"I know", she sniffles. "I always knew."

The ice is getting closer and closer. He has to get it out, has to let someone know. "I loved h-"

The radio cuts out. Nothing but static.

"Bucky?" Tears are pouring from her eyes. She can't give up, she has to have hope that he's okay. "Bucky?" Still silence. She knows.

Colonel Phillips watches on, knowing exactly what she lost. What he and the Commandos lost. Hell, what the whole world lost.

That night, the remaining men of the Howling Commandos mourn the loss of their Captain and their Sergeant. But more importantly, they mourn the loss of their friends, while everyone around them celebrates winning the war, not knowing what it cost. "To the Captain. To Barnes," Falsworth says, the Commandos clinking their glasses together one last time for their fallen friends.

\--

_Where am_ _I_ , he thinks, blinking himself awake. It hits him all at once. He remembers. _Steve._ He opens his eyes, looking around at the room he's in, hearing a baseball game play over a radio. His mind only has one mission: find Steve.

He slowly rises from his bed, knowing something is wrong. _Oh_ _God, Hydra_. His brain is alert, looking for any clues to tell him where he is. He listens to that damn baseball game on the radio, and it clicks. He was there, with Steve. They went to that game together.

A woman, dressed like a nurse for someone on the U.S. side, walks in taking stock of him, before speaking. "Good morning" she says, closing the door behind her. She glances at her watch before addressing him again. "Or should I say afternoon."

Bucky  knows this is all wrong. Her hair, the slight deviations in her attire, her shoes, and that watch - none of it is right. "Where am I" he asks.

"You're in a recovery room in New York City."

Bucky can hear the rise in her heartbeat. ' _How am I able to do that_ ' he wonders. He turns his head toward the radio, remembering this exact moment in the game. It was the moment when Steve grabbed his hand in excitement. That's one thing Bucky will never forget.

"Where am I?  Really" he asks, barely biting back a snarl.

The red haired woman tries to play it off. "I'm afraid I don't understand."

He can tell she's lying.

"The game. It's from May, 1941. I know cause I was there."

He sees the exact moment she knows she's caught. He rises from the bed, broadening his shoulders to look even more intimidating then he already does. "Now, I'm gonna ask you again. Where am I?"

"Sergeant Barnes-"

"Who are you" he demands.

The next thing he knows, men are coming through the door. They're armed. Fine, he'll fight his way out. There's no way in hell he will let Hydra take him alive. He throws the men through the wall, running out and seeing it's some kind of set in a much larger room.

He opens the doors, running out into the hallway, seeing men in suits everywhere, as a 'code 13' is being announced through some kind of speaker. Bucky is able to make it outside, running through the streets of wherever he's at. Everything's different though. Cars are everywhere. Buildings are taller. There are flashy lights and screens.

He looks around confused, as he's surrounded by black vehicles.

"At ease, soldier," a voice calls from behind.

Turning to look, he spots a man with an eye patch, dressed in all black, in front of one of the cars. _Leader_ , he thinks. Bucky holds his ground as the man walks directly up to him.

"Look, I'm sorry about that little show back there, but we thought it best to break it to you slowly."

"Break what?" He's so confused. What do they have to break to him? Is it Steve? Is Steve alive?

"You've been asleep, Sergeant. For almost seventy years."

Bucky looks around, really looks. Oh God, they're telling the truth. But how? How is this possible? His mind is running rampant, unable to process everything. He thinks about the plane crash, remembering his promise. He was supposed to be with Steve…

The man in black notices something that resembles guilt and remorse on Bucky's face. "You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah… Yeah, I just… I was supposed to see someone."


	2. Hail Hydra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened to Steve after the fall? Hydra happened...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Mentions and descriptions of torture* - be warned if that triggers you.
> 
> Secondly, THANK YOU ALL for the comments you left on the first chapter! Seriously, each comment put a smile on my face and gave me the confidence to want to post more of this fic. You all are the best.
> 
> Third, thank you to my amazing friend Kristin for being my beta and pointing out all my mistakes and giving me awesome pointers. This fic wouldn't be as good without you!
> 
> Without further ado, enjoy some hurt Steve!

The first thing he notices is the cold. The second thing he notices is the pain. Every inch of him is screaming with pain. It takes a moment, but he eventually remembers what happened. He remembers Bucky reaching out for him, the fall, and then nothing. Steve is barely able to move his head up to look around, seeing nothing but snow. He lays there, unable to move for what seems like a day. Steve was religious before joining the army, so it is not surprising that he prays every hour that Bucky, Peggy, or the Commandos will find him and take him home. Like many, his prayers are not answered.

Steve can hear the footsteps coming his way. The voices sound strict and German. A tight feeling in his chest begins to blossom at who it is - Hydra. Steve would rather die than be taken by Hydra, which is how the Hydra agents find him, trying to kill himself. He prays for death, but once again, Steve's prayers are not answered.

There are six heavily armed men and one doctor that surround him. He can feel the men wrap their arms under his to pick him up and drag him away. None of the soldiers even flinch when he lets out a scream from the pain his body is going through. The majority of his bones are broken, but the doctor assured the soldiers he would be fine until they got him back to base.

Steve is able to stay conscious for another twenty minutes before he finally gives in and lets his mind drift to black.

\--

There are people shuffling around him. He faintly hears their muffled conversations and their footsteps on the ground. Blinking awake, he sees nothing but bright lights. _Why is it so bright? Why is it so cold_ ' That's something Steve is starting to ask himself more and more. _Why is everything always cold_?

The voices around him fall silent as he feels all eyes on him. It is only a brief moment before everyone around him is moving fast, orders being barked out left and right. The sounds are dizzying, the lights a strain on his eyes, and his body is in crippling pain. It's only moments before the soldier drifts back into darkness.

\--

Steve is much more alert the second time he wakes. He is able to fully open his eyes to scan the room he is in - it looks to be some sort of medical room. He notices that he is strapped into an uncomfortable chair that is typically used for surgeries.

"Welcome back, Captain."

"Who the fuck are you," he spits, unable to turn around to see the man who is speaking.

"I'm the man who is going to make you into a _real_ soldier."

Steve notices his accent is German, which means Hydra still has him. The army taught him exactly what to say if he were ever captured - name, rank, and serial number.

"That is unnecessary Captain. We already know who you are. We won't be needing any information from you. What we need is your obedience. That is why I am here." The man readies his work station, which consists of varying tools used for torture. "This is going to be fun."

Much to his credit, Steve is able to bite back the screams forming in his throat as a knife cuts into his skin. He notices the man is cataloging how long it takes for his skin to heal. They are experimenting on him. Unfortunately he cannot hold in his next scream as the man holds a torch to his chest, burning his skin off. Steve wants to punch that stupid smirk off the man's face. The man decides to put a gag in the Captains mouth to muffle his screams, his experiment does not require such.

Hours later, the German man continues to torture Steve until the good Captain can no longer stay conscious. He makes sure to write that down as well.

\--

"Good morning Captain. I trust you slept well. I hope you don't mind, but we're going to continue on with our experiments from yesterday. Not that you have any choice in the matter."

Steve notices that the only thing he is wearing is a thin pair of shorts not meant to keep the cold out. He shifts his head from side to side, scanning the room to find anything that can help him. He is barely able to make out that there are new tools with his captor today. It's cold and dark in the room, the only light coming from a small bulb above his head. He tries to break free, but they have him strapped down tightly in mechanical cuffs that can withstand the strength of the super serum. Steve turns his head at the chuckling coming from the right.

"Try as you might, but you will not escape. We have big plans for you."

"Do whatever you want to me. The army is going to come for me. Bucky will come for me."

Again, he hears the smug bastard laughing at him.

"No one is coming for you Captain. The army thinks you are dead. Your Bucky _is_ dead."

The wording of his sentence catches Steve's attention. He said Bucky is dead, not that Bucky thinks _Steve_ is dead. It has to be a trap to get him to yield. "You're lying. Bucky isn't dead. He is alive and he is going to come for me."

"Oh Captain, your friend is dead. He crashed a plane with Schmidt aboard, into the arctic. I guess he couldn't handle the thought of you dying. Don't believe me? Take a look for yourself."

The man holds a newspaper up to his face.

" ** _PLANE CRASH THAT ENDS THE WAR_**!"

" _James Buchanan Barnes, of the Howling Commandos, sacrifices his life in order to save the world. The Sergeant snuck onto the plane, killed Johan Schmidt, leader of Hydra, and crashed the plane full of bombs into the arctic. Sergeant Barnes and Captain Rogers are the only Commandos to give their lives in the line of duty_."

His head is swimming, thoughts rushing around in every which direction. Bucky can't be dead. He doesn't feel it. They always said they'd feel it if the other one died. The headline has to be fake. Hydra made it all up.

"You’re lying. He's not dead. You could have printed that yourself."

"Holding on to hope is futile and pointless Captain. Don't believe what you've read? Maybe you'll believe what you hear." The man turns a radio on, and is immediately met with the sound of the news anchor detailing exactly what the newspaper read. James Buchanan Barnes is dead.

"Bucky." His voice cracks at the name, tears starting to rush down his face. They were supposed to live in New York and raise their kids together. Now Bucky is dead and Steve is Hydra's new play toy.  Bucky was the only thing Steve had to live for; the only thing that kept his hope alive. His hope is dead. His shoulders sag in defeat, all spark of life leaving his eyes. Today is the day Steven Grant Rogers dies.

"When we're done with you, you won't even remember him or anything of your pathetic existence. You will only know order."

The Hydra agent picks up the first tool for today's session and begins the torture. Steve doesn't feel one ounce of pain, his whole body void of feeling. The session ends that night, and Steve doesn't sleep. If he sleeps, he'll dream of Bucky, and he doesn't want to do that.

The Hydra agent comes in the next morning for the same routine. They have hollowed him out, ripping and slicing him apart, only to watch him heal before doing it all over again. He has spent four months enduring this torture before his handler comes in with new instructions.

"Today is the day you will forget everything. Today is the day you will become something better."

Steve feels the man strap him in even tighter, and easily prying his mouth open to place a mouth guard inside. The man puts a helmet-like device on his head, informing him that this will hurt. Steve doesn't care. He welcomes the pain. Steve is taken back by the question the man asks him.

"What is your name?"

"Steven Grant Rogers."

No other words are spoken when the man pulls a lever to begin today's session. Steve's body convulses as electricity shoots through it - zapping his brain. He understands why they put the mouth guard in now, to stop him from biting through his tongue. The pain is overwhelming and eventually he passes out.

\--

He opens his eyes, not sure of what happened. His head hurts. He vaguely remembers a German man, but nothing else is concrete. His mind is reeling, not knowing who or where he is. A man appears in front of him.

"How are you?"

The man sounds Russian. What happened to the German man that was… what was he doing?

"Where am I," he asks with a  slight Russian accent. Did he always have an accent? Is he from Russia? He remembers the United States, but nothing specifically about it.

"You do not remember?"

"No."

"The Americans attacked and you fought them. You are in a recovery room in Moscow."

"What? What attack?," he replies in Russian this time. Maybe he is Russian. He can speak it and understand others speaking it.

"We were working on helping the world, fixing it, and then the Americans attacked and delayed our plans. Do you know what year it is?"

He has to think about it before answering. The last thing he remembers is the year 1944. Maybe. "No, I don't remember." He remembers the face of a man with dark hair, but he thinks better than to mention it.

"It is 1956. Do you know your name?"

"No. Who am I?"

"Your name is Asset, codename Winter Soldier. That is how you will be addressed. We have work for you to do."

"Sir?"

"You are to report to the gym for training. We want to see how you function."

"Sir," he gives a nod in response.

"Get dressed and be there in five minutes. Do not be late or you will be punished." The man walks out the door, leaving him to dress and report to the gym.

Exactly three minutes and twenty seconds later he is walking through the gym doors, taking in his surroundings. There are various sections of the room broken off for different training purposes. Men and women are scattered, some using the weights and others fighting. He spots the man who was with him when he woke in the center of the room, accompanied by ten men who look like soldiers. He quickly makes his way there, not wanting to upset these people, and stops just short of the crowd.

"Good. You are to fight these men. We want to see if you retained your skills or not."

On his command, the men spread out in a circle around the Asset like a shark circling its prey. The man gives a command before one of the soldiers rushes toward the Asset with his fist pulled back ready to strike.

The Asset reacts by ducking out of the way of the punch while bringing his knee up to the soldier's chest, then spinning him around to punch him in the face. The soldier goes down immediately. He's still breathing, just unconscious.

This time, two soldiers rush the Asset trying to double team him. The Asset is much faster and manages to break one soldier's leg and break every rib in the second soldier's body. Both are down and out for the count.

Three soldiers move in on him with batons in their hands. The Asset is able to incapacitate one soldier and steal his baton, using it to knock out the other two soldiers circling him.

Just as the remaining four soldiers move in, the man from the room directs the Asset to kill them. Something in the Asset goes rigid. It's an order and he has to obey orders. He does what he is told and kills the last four soldiers, giving them each a quick death. His handler never specified how to kill them.

"Very good, Asset. You performed well. You will report here every day to work on your combat training. You must be ready to face the Americans when the time comes."

"Yes Sir."

"If you haven't figured it out already, I am your handler. My name is Karpov. You will call me Sir. You are to do as you are told and not ask any questions. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Good. Tomorrow you will begin weapons training as well. You will be the new first of Hydra. Do not fail us."

"I won't, Sir."

"Good. Dismissed."

The Asset is shown his room, which some would call a walk-in closet. It matters not. He doesn't need much space. Just a place to sleep, and he can do that anywhere. A room is a luxury, one that he does not want to lose.

\--

It has been a month since Karpov has woken him and told him what year it was. Since then, he has been trained in hand-to-hand combat and weapons training. He is now fluent in Russian, and he understands English as well. He is progressing just as his handlers want him to. The only exception is the dream he had last night. It was of a brunet haired man on a train in the mountains. He is not sure why he had this dream or who that man was, but it sets him on edge.

His mind is focused on the dream during his training, and he accidentally kills two of the men training him. He rationalizes it by telling himself that if they were not able to keep up with him, they would not have made it far anyways.

Karpov sends for him to report to his office immediately. The Asset complies and quickly leaves the training room. When he arrives at Karpov's office, his handler looks at him with curiosity and worry. "What is bothering you, Asset?"

"I had a dream last night, Sir. It was of a man on a train in the mountains. I… I think I knew him." He levels his handler with a confused glare, not knowing how to comprehend his mixed emotions and vague, shadowy memories.

Karpov's face hardens ever so slightly, rising from his chair to walk toward the Asset, "This is not good. Follow me."

The Asset follows, not wanting to be in more trouble than he already is. His handler leads him to the room where he first woke up. That same chair is there in the middle of the room and he understands what is about to happen. Before he can protest, another man is shoving a needle into his neck its contents sedating him almost immediately. They move him into the chair, and he can hear his handler tell the other men to wipe him. The Asset is too relaxed to fight and struggle, so he just lies there and accepts his fate. He waits for the pain to hit him and the inevitable sleep that will follow.

\--

His eyes snap open as he shoots straight up from the table he is laying on. The men around him try to push him back down, but he is stronger. He pushes the last man in a white coat off of him before he hears a whistle. His movements immediately halt, leaving him sitting at attention with a blank look on his face.

A man walks up to him and slaps his face. "What is your name," he asks in Russian.

"The Asset, codename Winter Soldier."

"Do you know what year it is?"

"No."

"It is 1959. We have a mission for you. You are to kill a man that wants to destroy what we stand for. You leave tomorrow. You will have a mission brief tonight to tell you exactly what you need to know."

The Asset stares ahead, all emotion void from his face. He has a job and he will do it.

That night the Asset meets his handler and go over every detail of what is to happen. It has to look like an accident. This will be an easy target.

The Asset leaves the next day for France. His mission is successful and reports back to Russia that evening. They wipe his mind and put him back into cryostasis until he is needed again.

\--

It is 1989 the next time his handler wakes him. He knows that he is to follow orders, and his new orders are to train a young woman, Natalia Romanova. She is a part of the Black Widow program for the Red Room. She is quick, deadly and beautiful - a lethal combination. He trains her how to fight, how to go for the quickest kill. He also trains her with weapons, specifically guns and knives. By the end of their six month training program, she is able to use any weapon in either of her hands with almost perfect accuracy. Her hand-to-hand combat skills have improved significantly, as she is able to kill any target she so chooses. He taught her how to use her ballerina skills for stealth; how to be light on her feet and sneak up on any mark. She was never able to beat him though, the Winter Soldier always being better and stronger. They grew closer over their six month period, sleeping with each other some nights when one wanted physical intimacy.

After their training period, their handlers send them on a mission together to see how they work in the field as partners. Their mission goes accordingly - a political figure dead. Coming off a successful mission, the two assassins decide to celebrate.

The Winter Soldier is rolling his hips, pushing into Natalia further and deeper. He nips at her throat before enveloping her mouth in a kiss to swallow her sounds as she comes around him. He comes moments later and slides out of her. Before he can say thank you, their handlers burst through the door, looking outraged. They drag the Winter Soldier away from Natalia, verbally reprimanding them for their relationship. Their Soldier is not supposed to have feelings, and their spy is not supposed to become emotionally attached. They do the only thing they can, wipe the Winter Soldier and put him into the cryo machine. Natalia watches as the man she has come to almost love is taken from her, never to see him again.

\--

Karpov and Lukin inform the Winter Soldier that it is 1991 and that he is to assassinate an American inventor. They prep him for the mission before sending him on a plane to America. Once there, he finds his target, maps his movements and scouts the best location to kill the man. He decides the best way is to shoot him while he is driving to make it look like a horrible car accident.

The car is coming around a bend fast and careless. Looking through the scope of his rifle, the Winter Soldier identifies another person in the vehicle, a woman, most likely his target's wife. He takes a breath before pulling the trigger, the car swerving off the bridge and crashing into the water. Mission complete.

The Winter Soldier returns to Russia, giving a full mission report. He wants to ask if he knew the man he just killed. He wants to know why he thought about fondue when he pulled the trigger. He decides against it. He gets punished if he asks questions, and he does not want to get punished. He can't help the uneasy feeling he has that he did something he was not supposed to. His handlers are happy with the results and wipe him, the electricity taking away any thoughts of the man he killed only hours before hand. He is put to sleep until he is needed to shape mankind once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Steve! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and I will be posting the next one on Monday (updates are going to be every Monday and Friday). Thank you all again for reading!


	3. Avengers, Assemble!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky adjusts to the new world. Oh, and aliens from outer space.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically a shortened plot of The Avengers, but with Bucky. I didn't want to drag this chapter out and retell every little event and scene from the movie, which is why this is a shorter chapter compared to the upcoming ones.
> 
> Thank you again to my amazing friend and beta, Kristin, for editing and pointing out all of my grammatical errors and making sentences sound better.

It has been one year since Nick Fury had informed him that he was asleep in ice for seventy years. It was a lot to take in; his whole life is gone and now he's expected to act like he's okay. Bucky is the furthest thing from okay. He lost his arm, his family, his friends, Peggy, the Commandos, and Steve. He lost Steve. That has been the most difficult aspect of his new life to grasp. He has to live without Steve.

Losing his arm was a bit of a shock as well. Bucky didn't even realize it when he first woke up in the imitation recovery room at Shield. He actually didn't notice it until he was speaking to Director Fury on the streets of New York. He went to throw a left punch at the man and just about killed someone when he didn't feel his arm move. There was no arm for him to move; it was severed during the plane crash back in 1944. The ice kept any infection at bay, and Shield made sure to properly fix the wound while he was busy playing Sleeping Beauty.

He has been coming to the gym every day since he's woken up from the ice. It is his only escape from the new world around him. It's his only way to express how he feels about everything he's lost. Each day he goes through a set of seven punching bags, every one ending up the same way - broken, in pieces on the floor. If he were honest with himself, he'd acknowledge the symbolism there. Today is no different. Bucky enters the gym and wraps his flesh hand with his newly acquired appendage - courtesy of Tony Stark. Once he's comfortable with his hand wrap, he walks over to the punching bag, sets his position and begins to pummel the poor bag until it is flying across the room. His serum might not be as strong as Steve's was, but it is still enough for him to smash his fist through someone's face if he feels compelled to.

Bucky has just broken the first punching bag when he hears Nick Fury walk into the gym behind him. He straightens his posture, broadening his shoulders like the good little soldier he is, or rather _was_. He doesn't know what he is anymore. Bucky isn't sure if he is a man, a soldier, a monster, or some combination of all three. No one, including Fury, needs to know that every time he hits the bag, images and memories from his past life are flashing before his eyes, playing like a movie in his head. None of that matters any more. All that matters is putting on a strong face for everyone to see, which is exactly what he does when he turns to face Fury.

"Trouble sleeping?"

"I've slept for seventy years sir," he states as he begins to punch the new bag he's hung. "I think I've had my fill." A loud resounding crack fills the air as Bucky lands a particularly hard punch.

"Then you should be out celebrating, seeing the world."

Bucky stops his assault on the bag long enough to see the file tucked away in the other man's hands. Huffing out an annoyed breath, he begins to unwrap his hands, knowing that he isn't going to get to work out his frustration in peace.

"When I went under, the world was at war. I wake up, they say we won. They didn't say what he lost." Thoughts of Steve run through his head at the word 'lost'. No one knows what he lost during the war, and no one cares but himself.

"We've made some mistakes along the way. Some very recently."

Bucky glances over to see that Fury has pulled out the file from his coat and is handing it to him to review. "You here with a  mission, sir?"

"I am."

"Trying to get me back in the world?"

"Trying to save it."

Bucky wonders if this man is always so dramatic. He reminds Bucky of Stark, with a less flash sense of drama. He eyes the contents of the file Fury has laid out for him, sucking in a breath when he sees it. Sees that damn cube that took him away from being with Steve.

"Hydra's secret weapon," he takes the file from Fury.

"Howard Stark fished that out of the ocean when he was looking for you. He thought what we think. The Tesseract could be the key to unlocking unlimited, sustainable energy. That's something the world sorely needs."

Bucky hands the file back to Fury. "Who took it from you?"

"He's called Loki. He's… not from around here. There's a lot we'll have to bring you up to speed on if you're in. The world has gotten stranger than you already know."

"At this point I doubt anything would surprise me," he says getting up from the bench he was sitting on. This conversation is over.

"Ten bucks says you're wrong."

Bucky walks over to the pile of punching bags he has laid out on the floor, grabbing one and putting it over his shoulder to carry with him. If people are going to bother him in the gym, he'll take the gym to his room; the only place he feels a semblance of safety at the moment.

"There's a debriefing packet waiting for you back at your apartment. Is there anything you can tell us about the Tesseract that we 'ought to know now?"

"You shoulda left it in the ocean," he growls, not even turning around before walking out the door.

\--

Bucky eventually agrees to take the mission Fury presented him with. He doesn't trust anyone else to deal with such a powerful force. He doesn't trust Fury and he certainly doesn't trust Shield. That is why he is on a plane with a man that will not stop fawning over him like he just met his real life hero. It's creepy.

"So this doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on… that doctor Erskine created?"

"A lot of people were."

Great, now this creepy man is stretching his whole body out on display right in front of his eyes. Just what he needs - a creepy stalker agent.

"He was the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula."

Bucky is looking at the screen in his hands that is playing a recording of doctor Banner as 'the Hulk'. It's terrifying, but it's also sad. Bucky wasn't thrilled when Steve was injected with the serum. He didn't think there was anything wrong with the skinny punk from Brooklyn. The only good thing that came from the serum was healing Steve's health problems and giving him the body to match his personality.

"Didn't really go his way, did it," he mumbles.

"Not so much. He's not that thing though. The guy is like a Stephen Hawking."

Bucky looks up the agent confused, not knowing whom this Stephen Hawking is.

"He's just like a really smart person. I have to say, it is an honor to meet you officially."

Bucky curls his lips into a small, wryly smile. Maybe the agent is a little normal after all.

"I've sort of met you. I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping."

And the agent is back to being an official creeper. Bucky looks down to the ground, not wanting to make eye contact with the man he just found out was charged with watching him while he slept.

"I mean, I was, I was present, while you were unconscious in the ice."

Bucky has officially had enough of this man's incessant rambling. He stands to walk over to the cockpit, as an uneasy feeling begins to expand in his chest. The last time he was this close to the front of a plane, he crashed it into the arctic, hoping to die and be with Steve. No one but him knows that part of the story. Much to Bucky's dismay, the agent continues speaking.

"Just, just a huge honor to have you on board."

"Well I hope I'm the man for the job," he speaks quietly, secretly hoping the agent didn't hear him.

"Oh you are. Absolutely. Uh, we made a new Captain America suit… We added a few modifications to it. I had a little design input," the agent proudly states.

"The uniform? Aren't the stars and stripes a little… old fashioned?," _And not made for me_ , he wants to say, but thinks better of it.

"Everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned."

The rest of the plane ride is silent. Bucky couldn't be more grateful for that. The plane lands on top of what appears to be a plane-hanger submarine. This is at least familiar to him. He has felt out of place in this new world, and being back in a war ready area helps settle his nerves. Bucky and Agent Coulson step out of the plane to greet a red-haired woman.

"Agent Romanoff, this is Sergeant Barnes."

"Ma'am."

The female agent gives him a brief "hi" before turning her attention to her superior agent. "They need you on the bridge. They're starting a face trace."

Bucky mumbles a "see you there" to Agent Coulson as he quickly walks away. Now he is left with a woman who reminds him of Peggy: strong and intelligent, and willing to put anyone in their place. He also gets a feeling of danger from her, like she could kill him with her pinky if she were so inclined. A small shiver runs down his back. The last time he felt that, Hydra captured him. His attention is turned back to her as she begins speaking.

"It was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was going to swoon."

A tiny smile plays on his face. At least he's not the only one that knows the fellow agent is a bit of a fan boy.

"Did he ask you to sign his Sergeant Barnes trading cards yet?"

"Trading cards?" Maybe the future isn't so bad. There are actually trading cards of him and the Howling Commandos.

"They're vintage. He's very proud."

They walk up to a man who Bucky presumes to be a confused, and slightly lost Dr. Banner. Bucky thinks he's going to like this guy. He reminds him of Steve in that sense; always looking lost and out of place, but knowing exactly what he's capable of.

"Dr. Banner," he reaches his flesh hand out to shake the doctor's hand. He's kept a glove over his metal one, not wanting to draw attention to it.

"Oh yeah. They told me you'd be coming," he says as he returns the handshake.

"Word is you can find the cube."

"Is that the only word on me," he asks, looking around to see how many people are there and if any of them are looking at him.

"The only word I care about." He can see the resounding gratefulness in Banner's eyes. Everyone probably assumes the doctor is nothing more than the monster, but Bucky knows that isn't true. If Banner is nothing more than a monster, than the same goes for Bucky and Steve. And Bucky will defend Steve to his dying breath.

"Must be strange for you, all of this."

Bucky looks around the hanger and feels a sense of familiarity, a sense of belonging. "This is actually kind of familiar".

The red head cuts in before any further conversation is spoken. "Gentleman, you might want to step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breath."

"Is this a submarine?"

"Really? They want me in a submerged pressurized metal container?" Banner can't help the small smile on his face, thinking about how stupid these people really are. The "submarine" begins to lift off of the ocean and into the air. "Oh no, this is much worse."

Bucky gives one last glance around before following after Banner and the redhead. _Holy shit, they have a flying submarine, but they don't have flying cars. What the fuck, Stark_?

When they are inside, Bucky casually reaches into his pocket to pull out a ten dollar bill to hand to Director Fury. The director was right, he definitely is surprised as the entire aircraft turns invisible.

\--

Later that evening, they find a match to this so-called Loki. Fury tells him to suit up and that they're heading to Germany. Why must all bad things happen to Germany? The suit feels tight on him, both physically and emotionally. He shouldn't be wearing this. Steve should be, but he's not here. Steve's not here because Bucky was captured and had to be rescued like a damsel in distress.

He drops out of the plane when they arrive at the theater in Germany, where he has eyes on Loki. The "God" literally has horns on his helmet. Bucky thinks it must be heavy on his head with all that weight bearing down on him. Bucky springs into action and blocks a blast that is about to hit an old man who was brave enough to stand up to Loki.

"You know, the last time I was in Germany, and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing," he says as he walks over to stand in front of Loki.

"The soldier. The man out of time."

"I'm not the one out of time."

Loki sends a blast near the plane Natasha is piloting. He throws the shield at him as he charges Loki. What he didn't expect was for Loki to be this strong - stronger than him. Bucky will never admit it, but he is grateful that Stark shows up, even if Loki gives up too easily.

"Mr. Stark."

"Sergeant."

Stark and Barnes load Loki onto the plane to take back to the helicarrier. Bucky quickly remembers why he never liked Howard - his damn mouth. Tony is just as annoying as his father was, and he wants to punch his face and make him shut up.

Lightning strikes, and suddenly the back of the plane is ripped off and Loki is taken by a blond muscled man. He and Stark go after the two Gods as they land in a forest. Stark tries taking him on his own, but when that doesn't really work out, he steps in. Bucky calmly tells the blond to put his hammer down, which in hindsight, was the wrong choice of words. The god jumps into the air, his hammer striking down on Bucky's shield. All three of them are blown further into the destroyed wooded area.  The god agrees to accompany Tony and himself on their flying ship with Loki in hand.

\--

It isn't long before Bucky, Stark, Banner, Romanoff, Thor, and Fury are all in a room arguing over who is right or wrong. Bucky and Tony continue to argue, and insults are thrown at each other.

"I've known guys with none of that worth ten of you. The only thing you fight for is yourself. You're not the guy to make the sacrifice play."

"I think I would just cut the wire."

"Always a way out. You may not be a threat, but you best stop pretending to be a hero."

"A hero, like you? You're a laboratory experiment, Barnes. Everything special about you came out of a Hydra bottle."

The argument ends when Bruce unconsciously picks up Loki's scepter, angling it towards the group. Bucky tells him to put the scepter down, while Natasha is drawing her weapon from her thigh. Apologies are cut short as the helicarier comes under attack. Bucky and Tony tell each other to suit up as the run off to get their gear.

The fight is short, but Loki manages to escape, but not before killing Agent Coulson. Bruce is gone after jumping off the helicarrier to destroy a smaller plane that was shooting at him. Thor dropped from the plane in the cage that Loki was in. Natasha is able to knockout whatever control Loki had on Barton during their fight. Fury gives Tony and Bucky a depressing speech about how he had hopes that they would be able to come together and save the world. Bucky thinks using Coulson in his speech was a low blow. He might not have known the guy for very long, but Agent Coulson seemed like a good man. Trying to manipulate their feelings with his death is not okay.

"This is opening night. Loki is a full on total diva. He wants flowers, he wants parades, he wants a monument built to the skies with his name plastered - son of a bitch." Tony informs him that Loki is going to make a play at Stark Tower.

Bucky walks in to find Natasha sitting on a bed waiting for Barton to get out of the bathroom. The two agents are hurt, he knows that, but he needs them with him. He is not letting another tyrant kill everyone that he holds dear, even if he did just meet them all a day ago.

"You got a suit? Then suit up."

Bucky, Tony, Clint, and Natasha hijack a plane from the helicarrier and head straight for Stark Tower.

Dr. Selvig is already opening the portal with the cube, welcoming an army from outer space.

Bucky really hates the future. He might not be a great tactical leader like Steve was, but he does know enough to formulate a plan and implement it with his ~~soldiers~~ people.

Bruce thankfully shows up as a giant, metal alien whale looking creature comes through the portal, heading straight toward them. Bucky watches are Banner walks forward toward the beast, muttering that his secret is always being angry. Bucky knows that feeling.

Bucky watches as Stark flies a missile into the portal, saving all of New York. He instructs Natasha to close the portal, unable to wait any longer Tony to return. Then the worst part of the entire situation happens - he watches as Tony's seemingly lifeless body falls from the sky. He's frozen in place, his whole body gone cold as memories of Steve falling from the train appear in his head. He can't close his eyes or look away, cursed with having to relive the worst moment of his life.

He hears, rather than sees, the Hulk roaring to life as he jumps onto a building to grab Tony. The hulk flops Tony onto the ground, ripping his faceplate off. Bucky's heart sinks even further when Stark doesn't wake up. If this is what it feels like to be with someone when they die, than he's almost happy he wasn't with Steve when his body hit the bottom of those snowy mountains. A moment later the Hulk roars in Tony's face, essentially bringing the man back to the real world. A sigh of relief escapes his mouth knowing he did not watch another person he knows die. His day is beginning to look brighter.

They capture Loki and take him to a spot in Central Park, where Thor will return with him to Asgard to face punishment for his crimes - after eating delicious schwarma in a broken shop in the city. Each of the Avengers go their own way. Bucky watches as Thor and Loki are teleported to Asgard, Tony and Bruce drive off in one of Stark's expensive cars, while Clint and Natasha drive off to God knows where spies go when they've been compromised.

The wind is blowing through his hair, driving through the streets of New York on his motorcycle. It's going to be a long trip, but it'll be worth it. Bucky hasn't been in this new world for very long, and he wants to see how it has changed, how _he_ has changed. He needs to spend time away from Shield, maybe even permanently. He doesn't know yet. All he knows is that he is going to see Steve in every place that he visits: seeking out the sights they always talked about traveling to together. He smiles at the thought. This trip is going to be perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed some Bucky in the new world!
> 
> The next chapter is going to be a bohemoth compared to this one. If you are following along and know the order of the movies, then you could probably guess the next chapter is basically CA:TWS. After chapter 4 I don't follow the movies and it's just my brain taking this story wherever it may go.
> 
> Chapter 4 will be posted on Friday, and as always, thank you for reading!


	4. The Winter Soldier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically the events of the movie "Captain America: The Winter Soldier."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a fun chapter for me to write because I honestly put the movie on repeat and wrote it.
> 
> This chapter is also INCREDIBLY LONG compared to the past three. From here on out, the chapters will be long (you're welcome or I'm sorry, depending on how you feel about long chapters).
> 
> A special thanks to my amazing beta, Kristin, for staying up super late to finish pointing out all of my mistakes and cleaning this chapter up so I could post it today. You are amazing and I love you.
> 
> Without further ado, here is chapter 4!

Dawn is a beautiful time of day to run. The sky is a mixture of blue and pink, sometimes laced with red, purple, or orange. It's gorgeous. It is a warm morning in Washington, D.C., perfect weather for running. That is what Bucky has done every morning since he arrived in D.C. to work for Shield. He still doesn't trust them, but he feels like he has to do something to honor Steve's memories.

A man is running up ahead, the same man that has been running this route everyday for the past year. Bucky hasn't had any real friends (aside from the Avengers) since the Howling Commandos. This running man seems to be pretty decent, as far as Bucky can tell from a distance, that is.

"On your left," he huffs out as he passes the other man. Bucky knows that he is faster than anyone else out here, and so he decides to have some fun with it. Each time that he passes the other man (and it is quite a few times), he always says, "on your left."

He is running up behind the guy again, and Bucky knows that he hears him coming. He gets closer and closer.

"Don't say it. Don't you say it."

"On your left."

"Come on," the man drags out, clearly annoyed that Bucky keeps antagonizing him.

He knows the other man tries to speed up, but it is of little use. He can't catch up with Bucky.

After his run, the other man is sitting up against a tree trying to catch his breath, sweat beading down his face. Bucky, on the other hand, has barely broken a sweat. He decides it is time to introduce himself. Steve would be proud of Bucky for making a new friend all on his own.

"You need a medic?"

Laughing, the other guy says, "I need a new set of lungs. Dude, you just ran like thirteen miles in thirty minutes."

"I guess I got a late start." He can't help but poke fun at the guy. Him and Steve were always little shits, even if all the old ladies in the neighborhood thought they were the sweetest fellas around.

"Oh really? You should be ashamed of yourself. You should take another lap. Did you just take it? I assume you took it."

"What unit you with," he asks as he notices the military emblem on the guy's sweatshirt.

"Fifty-eighth para-rescue. But now I'm working down at the VA." The man reaches his hand up for Bucky to pull him up into a standing position. "Sam Wilson."

Bucky kindly pulls the man up. It's the least he can do for wearing him out around the monuments. Thankfully this man does not mention a word about his metal arm. It's still a sore spot for him. "Bucky Barnes."

"I kind of put that together. Must have freaked you out coming home after the whole defrosting thing."

Bucky keeps his face neutral, but inside he's already shutting down and counting Sam Wilson as a loss. Everyone always asks about the ice, wants to know how he feels about it  and how weird everything must be for him. No one ever asks him how _he_ is adjusting. They never recognize him as Bucky Barnes, a human being. They all see him as the Captain America stand-in and former Howling Commando.

"It takes some getting used to. It's good to meet you Sam," he says, turning around to leave.

"It's your bed right?"

Hold up, maybe he can redeem himself. "What's that?"

"Your bed, it's too soft. When I was over there I slept on ground, used rocks as pillows like a caveman. Now I'm home and lying in my bed, it's like…"

"Lying on a marshmallow. Feel like I'm gonna sink right to the floor."  Maybe this guy isn't as bas he seemed. Bucky will chuck it up to meeting a celebrity. Everyone gushes when they meet a famous person. "How long?"

"Two tours. You must miss the good ol' days."

"Well, things aren't so bad. Food is a lot better. We used to boil everything.  No polio's good. Internet, so helpful. Been reading that a lot trying to catch up." He sees the man thinking about what pop culture legend he needs to catch up on. They all tell him what he needs to know.

"Marvin Gaye, 1972, Trouble Man soundtrack. Everything you missed jammed into one album."

He writes that down in his little notebook that he carries around with him. It's easier for him to write it down rather than try to remember it. His version of the serum didn't give him perfect recall like it did Steve. "I'll put it on the list."

Bucky's cell phone begins to ring and he sees Natasha's face next to a text message telling him that she'll be there to pick him up in twenty seconds. Time to go to work.

"Alright Sam, duty calls. Thanks for the run, if that's what you want to call running."

Sam's face lights up in mock outrage. "Oh, oh that's how it is? Okay."

He is walking away when he hears Sam continue to talk to him.

"Anytime you want to stop by the VA to make me look awesome in front of the girl at the front desk, just let me know."

Bucky can be a wingman. He was always Steve's wingman when they went out. "I'll keep it in mind." Natasha revs the engine, indicating that she is there. He also secretly knows that she loves driving fast, expensive cars.

"Hey fellas. Either of you know where the Smithsonian is? I'm here to pick up a fossil."

"That's hilarious," he deadpans. Bucky slides into the car, giving Sam one last look. He notices Sam's eyes trained on Natasha. He can't blame him, she is beautiful. "Can't run everywhere."

\--

Fury sends them on a mission with Strike Team Alpha to rescue Shield personnel from pirates on a ship. If Bucky has to listen to Brock tell him anything else about the mission, he might punch the guy. He doesn't know what it is about him, but Bucky doesn't trust the guy.

"You doing anything fun Saturday night," she asks.

"Well all the guys from my barbershop quartet are dead, so no, not really." He's glad that he can smile and joke around Natasha. Everyone treats him like he is going to snap at them any minute, but all he wants is for someone to treat him like a normal human being. Natasha does that for him.

"You know, if you ask Kristin out from statistics, she'd probably say yes."

Natasha has been trying to set him up on dates with women ever since he arrived in D.C. It's exhausting to keep making up excuses. He doesn't think she knows that he's bisexual, not that it matters. The only person he's every truly wanted to be with was Steve. He remembers that they shared secret kisses in their old apartment in Brooklyn. Steve had never kissed someone, and Bucky was going to make sure that he was ready in case some dame actually took an interest in Steve. If the kiss had Bucky hot and bothered, well, no one is the wiser.

"That's why I don't ask," he says over the loud noise of the wind coming in through the opening in the plane.

"Too shy or too scared?"

"Too busy." And then he is off, jumping out of the plane without a parachute. No one has approached him about his reckless behavior yet. He doesn't think they realize that he will take unnecessary risks if it means getting to join Steve in the afterlife, just like it was supposed to be when he crashed the plane into the arctic back in '44.

\--

The pirates on the boat are easy to take out. The only trouble Bucky has with them is with their leader.

"I thought you were more than your shield."

"On va voir," he replies. This guy is full on challenging him. Does he know that Bucky has a version of the serum? Regardless, Bucky is going to take him out. He can't have this guy kidnap Shield agents.

He ends up kicking the man through a door, jumping on him and knocking him out.

"Well this is awkward."

 _What the fuck is Natasha doing here? She should be helping Rumlow with the hostages_. Anger flushes his face, getting even more upset that Fury and Natasha keep lying to him. Is no one capable of telling the truth anymore?

"What are you doing here?"

"Backing up the hard drive. It's a good habit to get in to."

"Rumlow needed your help. What the hell are you doing here?" He looks at the screen and sees exactly what she is doing. "You're saving Shield intel."

"Whatever I can get my hands on."

"Our mission is to rescue hostages."

"No, that's your mission. And you've done it beautifully."

"You just jeopardized this whole operation."

"I think that's overstating things."

He hears someone moving behind them, pulling a pin out of a… _oh shit_ , a grenade. He picks up Natasha who shoots through the window for them to take cover.

"Okay. That one is on me."

"You're damn right." He is officially sick of their bullshit. Civilians and other agents could have gotten injured.

\--

"You just can't stop yourself from lying, can you," he accuses as he walks straight up to Fury's desk.

"I didn't lie. Agent Romanoff had a different mission than yours."

"Which you didn't feel obliged to share."

"I'm not obliged to do anything."

Lord Jesus give him the strength not to punch his boss. "Those hostages could have died."

"I sent the greatest soldier in history to make sure that didn't happen."

 _No you didn't_. "Soldiers trust each other. That's what makes it an army. Not a bunch of guys running around shooting guns." The Commandos always trusted each other. Hell, they trusted each other when they didn't even know who the others were. They followed Steve into the pits of hell after he told them he punched out Adolf Hitler over two hundred times. If that's not trust, he doesn't know what is.

"The last time I trusted someone, I lost an eye. Look, I didn't want you doing anything you weren't comfortable with. Agent Romanoff is comfortable with everything."

"I can't lead a mission when the people I'm leading have missions of their own."

"It's called compartmentalization. No one can spill all the secrets because no one knows them all."

"Except you," he spits, unable to hide the venom in his voice. Erskine told Steve that the serum enhances not only the physical traits, but also the mental and personality traits. Bucky has always been a bit of a smartass, capable of jealousy and hatred. The serum he was given enhanced his undesirable qualities as well, making him angrier and unable to put up with people's shit. They haven't even seen his angry, protective side.

"You're wrong about me. I do share. I'm nice like that."

Fury takes him into the elevator, riding it down to Insight Bay. The director tells him a story about his grandfather working in an elevator back in the day. It passes time and gives Bucky a little insight into where Fury's mistrust of people began.

When they reach the bay, Bucky is blown away by what he sees. There are three gigantic helicarriers. This is Project Insight. It is designed to target people all over the world.

"I thought the punishment usually came after the crime."

"We can't afford to wait that long."

"Who's we?"

"After New York, I convinced the World Security Council we needed a quantum surge in threat analysis. For once, we're way ahead of the curve."

"By holding a gun to everyone on Earth and calling it protection." To say Bucky is skeptical would be an understatement. He is able to identify at least twenty ways this project can be a disaster. The people of the planet do not deserve to be watched and held at hostage. Shield is trying to make the world the way they want it to be. It reminds Bucky of Hitler with Germany. He saw how well that turned out.

"You know I read those SSR files. Greatest generation? You guys did some nasty stuff."

Squaring his shoulders, Bucky puts his face a foot away from Fury's.

"Yeah, we compromised. Sometimes in ways that made us not sleep so well. But we did it so that people could be _free_. This isn't freedom. This is fear."

Fury closes the gap between their bodies, putting only inches between their faces. It's supposed to be an intimidation tactic, but it doesn't phase Bucky. What's he gonna do, hit him? Let him try.

"Shield takes the world as it is, not as we'd like it to be. It's getting damn near past time for you to get with that program, Sergeant."

Bucky will never be with that program. "Don't hold your fuckin' breath."

\--

He needs to leave, escape from Shield and all of their secrecy. The only place he feels any sort of comfort is his apartment or the museum. He gets on his motorcycle in Shield's parking garage, driving it onto the bridge that connects their building to the rest of the city.

It is another beautiful day in the nation's capital. The sky is clear blue, the sun is shining, and the wind is blowing on his face. His hair is a little longer than what it was during the war, not really wanting it to be that way again.

He drives to the Smithsonian where there is an exhibit dedicated to Captain America. It plays videos of him and the Commandos from their time in the war. It also shows videos of Steve. Steve when he was commanding their group, Steve when he was deep in thought, and Steve when he was smiling and laughing at Bucky like he hung he moon at night and put the sun in the sky during the day. Bucky misses that laugh, misses the way Steve's smile could light up the room around him. The punk was too stupid to notice how he brightened a room. He misses his best friend. Misses him like he misses a limb (his arm).

Feeling nostalgic, Bucky decides to go visit Peggy. Shield informed him that she was alive when he first woke up. He had been excited that someone from his old life was still alive. He was heartbroken when they told him that she has Alzheimer's, a disease that effects memory. Some days she recognizes him, and others she thinks he is a stranger that decided to visit.

When he gets into her room, the smell of decaying body fills his nostrils. Peggy is old and has that smell that all old people acquire at a certain age. She still looks beautiful, wrinkles and white hair and all. She has always been one of the most beautiful dames that Bucky has ever laid eyes upon. He wasn't playing around in that bar back in 1944 when he asked her if she'd like to dance.

 A picture of her and her family is on her bedside table, along with a few books, reading glasses, and a picture of the Howling Commandos. He knows that no matter what, they were a family back then. They all took care of each other.

"I've lived my life. My only regret is that you didn't get to live yours."

He feels like he was punched directly in the gut. Peggy has always been able to decipher what a person is feeling and what is wrong with them.

"What is it?"

No use in hiding it. "For as long as I can remember, I always wanted to do right by Steve. I guess I'm not sure how to do that anymore. And I thought I could just throw myself back in, follow orders. It's just not the same." A small regretful smile plays on his lips. It's his attempt at putting on a brave face for her. He fails and she sees right through it.

"So dramatic. Steve used to be the serious, dramatic one. You were always light and goofing off."

That gets a laugh out of him. Steve always felt he had to be serious to prove that he could lead them. Bucky always wanted to be his relief, to be the one to put a smile on his face and make him laugh. They also happened to get into more trouble together than anyone thought possible. Steve always brought out the best in Bucky.

"Look, you saved the world. We rather mucked it up."

"You didn't," he assures her. Peggy was like Steve, always trying to do what is right and stand up to bullies. There wasn't a bad bone in her body, unless you pissed her off, then God help that poor son of a bitch.

"Knowing you helped found Shield is half the reason I stay." He sobers when she reaches her arm out to him, love and despair written on her face.

"The world has changed. None of us can go back. All we can do is our best. And sometimes the best that we can do is to sta - start over."

Bucky immediately fetches her a glass of water when she starts to cough uncontrollably. It reminds him of Steve when he was tiny and sick, back in Brooklyn before the war. Coughing meant a fever, and fever could easily turn into pneumonia.

She looks at him, her eyes going wide in recognition, unable to believe he is there. Her mind reverted and she forgot he was alive. He hates this part the most. It's like dying and coming back to life all over again.

"James? You're, you're alive. You came back."

He is doing his best to blink back the tears in his eyes.

"Yeah, Peg. I came back."

"It's been so long." She is crying right in front of him. "So long."

"Well I couldn't leave my best girl. Not when she owes me a dance." Him and Steve called her that. Peggy was, and still is, the best woman he knows. As much as he would have hated it, he would have been okay with Steve marrying her because they deserved each other. Both headstrong and stubborn, full of love and compassion for those who deserved it. Bucky always told her that he would hold her to that dance she denied him in that bar way back when. She only had eyes for Steve, but Bucky thought he could get her to dance with him. They conspired later that evening to dance together in front of Steve to make him jealous. Peggy knew Bucky loved Steve. She was happy that Steve had someone he loved and trusted, someone to look out for him. Looking back on it, Bucky thinks they could have been in a relationship together, all three of them. They both loved Steve, and Steve loved them both. They could have made it work.

\--

He is a broken man, he knows this. He doesn't know what to do about it or how to handle it. Sam told him to come to the VA if he ever wanted to talk or hear other soldier's stories. He gives them all credit for being able to open up like they do, share what is going on inside of their heads. He believes they'd think he was crazy if they knew what was racing through his head half of the time.

He stands in the doorway to the room, catching the last five minutes of the session. He feels like he is intruding on a private moment, but realistically knows he is welcomed to join them.

Sam finds him in the hallway after the meeting is dismissed.

"Look who it is, the running man."

"Caught the last few minutes. It's pretty intense."

"Yeah, brother. We all got the same problems. Guilt. Regret."

Bucky picks up the tone of loss in his voice. "You lose someone?"

"My wingman, Riley. Flying a night mission. Standard PJ rescue op, nothing we haven't done a thousand times before. Till an RPG knocked Riley's stupid ass out of the sky. Nothing I could do. It's like I was up there just to watch."

Steve. Bucky feels that way about Steve. He was only on that train to watch his best friend fall to his death. He and Sam have more in common than the other man knows.

"I'm sorry." Because honestly, what else is there to say?

"After that, I had a real hard time finding a reason to be over there."

 _I know the feeling_. He couldn't find a reason to live after Steve fell. It's why he crashed the plane instead of finding a safe place to land.

"Are you happy now? Back in the world?" He wants to know if someone like Sam, who has lost so much, could find happiness again. He needs to have hope that he'll find happiness too.

"The number of people giving me orders is down to about zero, so yeah hell yeah. You thinking about getting out?"

"No. I don't know. To be honest, I don't know what I would do with myself if I did."

"Ultimate fighting. Just a great idea off the top of my head. Not sure if they'd let you fight with that arm, but you could still take them all. Seriously, you can do whatever you want to do. What makes you happy?"

Steve. Steve made him happy. But Steve isn't with him anymore. He is somewhere at the bottom of that bank in the mountains where Bucky left him in 1944. He hasn't been happy since 1944. He doesn't even know what would make him happy now, if there even is anything. He answers the question honestly, "I don't know."

\--

He drives to his apartment after talking with Sam, where he runs into his pretty neighbor, Sharon. She is a beautiful blond nurse who lives next to him on his floor. She is always sweet to him, making sure to say hello and asks how he's doing. Sharon also never stares or makes him feel uncomfortable about his arm. She's nice, but not his type. She informs him that he left his music on. He thanks her and waits for her to go into her apartment. Bucky is on alert, knowing that he did not leave his music on. Someone broke into his apartment, and they might still be there.

He heads outside and climbs up the fire escape to his floor. Quietly, he opens the window and jumps inside, grabbing his shield to further investigate the potential threat. It is dark inside the apartment, but the air smells different. It smells like sweat and blood. Soft jazz music is coming from his living room. What he finds is the last thing he was expecting - Fury injured and sitting in his chair. Bucky has never seen Fury look even the slightest bit off, always saw him put together like a solid structure that was impenetrable. If Fury looks scared, Bucky knows he should be.

"I don't remember giving you a key."

"You really think I need one? My wife kicked me out."

"Didn't know you were married."

"A lot of things you don't know about me."

"I know Nick, and that's the problem." He turns the light on and is taken back by how bad Fury actually looks. Before he can ask, Fury holds up his hand to silence any questions Bucky has at the moment before turning the light off and typing on his phone.

The text message reads: _ears everywhere_.

Bucky understands that he was trying to talk in code when speaking about his wife.

"I'm sorry to have to do this, but I had no place else to crash."

He shows him another text: _Shield compromised_.

"Who else knows about your wife?" If Shield is compromised, he doesn't know whom he can trust. His whole life is just beginning to unravel before him, just when he was getting used to things.

"Just you and me, my friends." The text message he types out says the same.

"Is that what we are?"

"That's up to you."

Suddenly, bullets fly through the window and walls, hitting Fury directly in his chest three times. He jumps into action, dragging the director's body across the floor to avoid any further gunshots that might be coming. He catches a glimpse of a man on the roof the building next door. Before he can leave, Fury grabs his hand, sliding him a USB drive, telling him not to trust anyone.

His neighbor breaks through his door, gun locked and aimed at anything that could be a threat. She looks trained.

"Sergeant Barnes? I'm agent 13 of Shield's special service."

"Kate?"

"I've been assigned to protect you."

"On who's orders," he demands.

She takes one look at the body on the floor. "His."

Kate, or whatever her name is, calls in for backup, telling whoever it is on the radio that Foxtrot (Fury) is down. The voice radios back asking if they have eyes on the shooter.

"Tell them I've got him."

Bucky breaks through his apartment window, jumping into the next building. He destroys multiple walls and doors, but he doesn't care. Fury was just assassinated in front of his eyes. He's going to catch this shooter no matter what. He spots the shooter on the roof running like he's going to jump. Before he can, Bucky breaks through the window, throwing his Shield as hard as he can.

The man turns and catches his Shield with ease, almost like it's a Frisbee. His eyes have black makeup smeared around them, obscuring his face to make him look unrecognizable. The man is dressed in all black, and has blond hair and dead blue eyes. Above all, the man looks dangerous, like he could kill the whole world without anyone noticing.

The shooter throws the shield back at Bucky, who catches it in his chest, being pushed back a few steps from the force of the throw. When he looks up, the shooter is gone.

\--

He is standing outside the surgery room with Natasha and Maria Hill, hoping the surgeons will be able to save Fury's life. As much as he didn't trust the guy, Bucky doesn't want Nick to die. He's one of the few people Bucky can call friend, even if they didn't always agree on certain matters.

"Tell me about the shooter."

"He's fast and strong. Blond hair and blue eyes, dressed in black. His eyes… they looked dead, like nothing was there. The engine was running but the car had no driver."

"Ballistics?"

"Three slugs, no rifling, completely untraceable."

"Soviet made."

"Yeah."

They watch on as the surgeons scurry around the room in a flash as Fury starts coding. He's not breathing, and they look like they don't know what to do. Bucky hears the sound that has given him nightmares plenty of times before the war. It's the sound of the man flat lining. He's dead. He has to leave the room. He can't watch them call time of death.

Bucky reaches into his pocket, finding the USB drive Fury gave him. It might have the secret to unlocking who wanted the director dead. Natasha whips out of the room like it is her personal missions to kill whoever did this.

"Natasha."

"Why was Fury in your apartment?"

Of course she  would ask. She is a spy after all, and is trained to gather intel from her marks. Bucky just became her target.

"I don't know." He knows she can see right through him. He was always a better liar than Steve, but not by much. He can fool normal people and most agents, but Natasha is not normal.

"Sergeant, they want you back at Shield," he hears Rumlow say behind him. He tells the guy to wait just a minute. "They want you now," he insists.

"Okay." He turns back around to face Natasha, who is looking at him like she has him right where she wants him.

"You're a terrible liar," she says before walking away.

Fury told him not to trust anyone, and that might mean Natasha. He certainly can't trust Rumlow or the rest of the Strike team, and he doesn't trust anyone at Shield. With no other option, Bucky stashes the USB drive into a candy machine behind five packs of gum that no one ever chews anymore. It will be safe there. Or at least safer than it would be with him.

\--

Walking through the halls of Shield, he spots his so-called neighbor giving Alexander Pierce her statement on what happened. It pisses him off even more than before. His own neighbor was lying to him.

"Sergeant Barnes."

"Neighbor," he spits, passing her to get to Pierce.

Pierce welcomes him into his office, talking about how it is an honor to meet Bucky, and how his father served in the military. Once inside, he talks about how he met Fury and why he promoted Fury to director. It all sounds like a bunch of bullshit if Bucky is being honest with himself. He doesn't know why, but Pierce sets him on edge the same way Rumlow does. It's just something about him is not right.

Pierce wants to know if Bucky knew that his apartment was bugged, and tells him that he thinks Fury hired the pirates to infiltrate the Lumarian Star. Bucky wouldn't put it pass Fury to do something like that. He asks if Fury said anything to him before he died. At least Bucky doesn't have to lie this time.

"He said not to trust anyone."

"I wonder if that included him."

"I'm sorry. Those were his last words. Excuse me." He has officially decided he does not trust Alexander Pierce. Not only does the man give him the creeps, but he is also a member of the World Security Council. The same council that ordered a missile strike on New York when Loki invaded. Yeah, not trusting him seems like the right thing to do. Fury might be a liar and not tell the whole truth, but he never made Bucky feel this bad just by being around him. Pierce does.

"Sergeant, somebody murdered my friend. I'm going to find out why. Anyone gets in my way, they're going to regret it. Anyone."

He knows. That's a threat clear as day. Pierce knows Bucky is hiding something, and he's not going to stop until he gets it.

"Understood."

\--

It is just him in the elevator when he gets on, pressing the button for the garage. He wants to get back to the hospital for that USB drive, to figure out what is on it and if it can help answer who killed Fury.

Members of Strike team trickle into the elevator one by one. Other big men in suits get in as well. This doesn't feel right. They position themselves so that Bucky is surrounded on every side, essentially trapping him. He knows what's about to happen, and he is almost looking forward to it. He needs someone to take his anger out on, and why not the people who might have played a hand in killing Fury.

"Before we get started, does anyone want to get out?"

The man behind him moves forward to attack, and Bucky moves out of the way, grabbing the electric stick in his hand to use it against him and the others. It is ten men against one. Those would be unfair odds if it weren't for Bucky having the super serum and a metal arm.

The magnet Rumlow throws on his arm is tough as nails to get free from, but with enough force, he pulls his arm away. Him and Rumlow are the last ones standing.

"It's nothing personal, Sergeant."

The man attacks and gets a few good shots to Bucky's stomach with the baton before he is able to knock Rumlow out.

"It kinda feels personal."

With no other option, Bucky breaks the glass to the elevator, jumping out of it and using his shield to break the fall. It fucking hurts. He gets to his motorcycle and heads toward the end of the bridge, which is being blocked by a fighter jet.

He throws his shield into the engine of the jet, and jumps off of his bike to retrieve the shield. The gates close behind him, blocking off anyone from following.

\--

Bucky changed into sweatpants, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt with the hood over his head, hiding his identity from those around him. He is a wanted man now. The USB drive is missing from the machine. He hears a small pop of gum from behind him. Standing there in all her glory is one Natasha Romanoff, looking smug as ever. He had a feeling she would find it, but he was hoping she wouldn't. Like always, he was wrong.

Turning around and grabbing her arm with his flesh hand, Bucky drags her into one of the rooms and pushes her into the wall, pulling his hood off in the process.

"Where is it," he growls.

"Safe."

"Do better." He's not playing around. Fury trusted him with that drive for a reason, and he doesn't want Natasha fucking it up.

"Where did you get it?"

"Why would I tell you?"

"Fury gave it to you. Why?"

"What's on it?"

"I don't know."

God, she sounds like a petulant teenager arguing with her parent. "Stop lying to me." He increases the pressure on her arm, letting her know he's serious.

"I only act like I know everything, Barnes."

"You knew Fury hired the pirates, didn't you?"

"Well it makes sense. The ship was dirty and Fury need a way in, so you -"

He pushes her further into the wall. He's angry that he was used like some doll without a choice. "I'm not going to ask you again." He watches her looking at him, trying to decide if she can trust him. The irony is not lost on him.

"I know who killed Fury. Most of the intelligence community doesn't believe he exists, but the ones that do call him the Winter Soldier. He's credited with over two dozen assassinations in the last fifty years."

"So he's a ghost story?"

"Five years ago I was escorting a nuclear engineer out of Iran, when somebody shot out my tires near Odessa. We lost control and went straight over a cliff. I pulled us out, but the Winter Soldier was there. I was covering my engineer, so he shot him straight through me. Soviet slug, no rifling. Bye, bye bikinis."

"Yeah, I bet you look terrible in them now." Joking is their way of letting the other know that they are forgiven. Her and Barton are the only ones of the Avengers, or really anyone, to joke with him and tease him. Everyone else thinks he's wound so tight he could shit a diamond. But he and Natasha know better.

"Going after him is a dead end. I know, I've tried. Like you said, he's a ghost story," she says, holding up the USB drive, offering to figure out this mystery with him.

He takes the information drive from her, keeping constant eye contact just in case she's playing him. "Let's go find out what the ghost wants."

\--

The mall is crowded, providing the perfect cover for them to slip around without anyone noticing. The Apple store inside the mall is where they can upload the information to see what the ghost wants. It shows them an address in New Jersey. Bucky knows that address. It's where Steve first went after Erskine cleared him for duty before the serum. That is where Captain America was born

Time is up, they have to go. Keeping their heads down, they move through the mall, making sure to avoid the agents following them. They get on the escalator and Natasha spots Rumlow before he does. She tells him to kiss him, that public displays of affection make people very uncomfortable.

The kiss is brief, but it hides their faces enough to not be detected by Rumlow.

"You still uncomfortable?"

"It's not exactly the word I would use." Damn that was a good kiss. Her lips were soft and plush, just like Steve's used to be. He shakes his head to rattle those thoughts away. He can't be thinking about the past now, not when he's being hunted.

\--

Bucky manages to steal a truck from the mall parking lot. No one is going to notice it missing until later, and they already have a nice head start.

She is looking at him, trying to figure something out. "When did Bucky Barnes learn to steal a car?"

"Nazi Germany, and we're just borrowing. Get your feet off the dash." Out of the corner of his eye, he can see her smiling, impressed that he cares about the cleanliness of the truck.

"Alright, I have a question for you, of which you do not have to answer it. I feel like you don't answer it though, is answering it anyways."

"What?"

"Was that your first kiss since 1945?"

She looks like she just stole his virginity or something. Doesn't she know that he was the one always with a dame way back when? He was known as a real ladies man, always left a woman smiling.

"That good, huh?"

"I didn't say that."

"Well it kind of sounds like that's what you're saying." She liked kissing him. He feels so proud of himself.

"No, I didn't. I just wondered how much practice you had."

"I don't need practice."

"Everyone needs practice."

"It was not my first kiss since 1945. I'm ninety-five, not dead."

"Nobody special though?"

Steve was special. He has always been the only one for Bucky, but she doesn't need to know that. No one but Peggy knew about them from before, and he is not going to risk tainting Steve's name with rumors about their relationship.

"Believe it or not, it's kinda hard to find someone with shared life experiences." Peggy is the only one alive that understands him, who knows what he's going through.

"Well it's alright, just make something up."

"What, like you?"

"Truth is a matter of circumstance. It's not all things, to all people, all the time. Neither am I."

"It's a tough way to live." No one should have to keep reinventing themselves to make sure that no one knows their true identity. It sounds exhausting and lonely.

"It's a good way not to die though."

He knows on some level the horrors that she has been through with the Red Room. Natasha hasn't told him much, but from what he's heard, it was bad. She has had to pretend to be so many people for so long; he doesn't know how she didn't fully lose herself.

"You know it's kind of hard to trust someone when you don't really know who that someone is."

"Yeah…" She's looking right at him, like she's looking into his soul. "Who do you want me to be?"

 _I don't want you to be anyone, I just want Steve_. He knows he can't say that out loud. She'll think he's crazy for holding onto the past.

"How about a friend?" That elicits a genuine smile from her. Bucky knows that’s rare, so he makes sure to appreciate the moment.

"There's a chance you might be in the wrong business, Barnes."

The rest of the drive is spent in comfortable silence.

When they arrive on base, there is nothing there but run down old buildings and forts. When she's ready to give up, Bucky notices that the ammunition building is too close to the barracks. Something is in that building, he knows it.

He crushes the lock with his shield, pushing their way inside. They learn that this is where Shield first started. He feels cold air blowing from behind the bookcase. Using his metal arm, he manages to pull the bookcase back revealing an elevator.

It takes them down to the basement of the old facility. It looks like a really old computer room. Natasha finds a new looking piece of technology and inputs the drive. The room comes to life. All the computers and machines turn on, working just as they did from the time they are from.

"Shall we play a game? It's from a movie that's very popular."

"I know. I saw it." Tony made him watch War Games two weeks after they met.

A face that looks like an old Hydra masks appears on the computer screen, saying his name and all these different facts about him. How does it know all that? The camera moves to Natasha, saying her name and where she is from. How can it know that about her? She's one of the best spies whose identity has been known by few. Not to mention she wasn't even around when this technology was built.

"You know this thing?"

"Dr. Armin Zola. He was a German scientist that worked with the Red Skull. He's been dead for years."

"Correction, Sergeant. I am Swiss. Second, look around you. I have never been more alive. My body died in 1972, but my mind has lived on. You are standing in my brain."

"How did you get here?"

"I was able to infiltrate Shield when they recruited me, planting Hydra ever since. Cut off one head, two more shall take its place."

"Prove it."

A video starts playing, Zola narrating the events of the war and how Hydra infiltrated Shield. "When history did not cooperate, history was changed." The screen shows pictures of the Winter Soldier committing assassinations. The man looks the same now as he did then. The voice continues speaking. "We won, Sergeant. Your death amounts to the same as your life - a zero sum."

Bucky has had enough of this damn scientist. He punches the screen with his metal hand, but Zola's face appears on every other screen. The man is everywhere.

"What's on this drive?"

"Project Insight. It requires insight, so I wrote an algorithm."

"What kind of algorithm? What does it do?"

"The answer to your question is fascinating. Unfortunately you shall be too dead to hear it."

The doors to the room shut, trapping them inside. Natasha informs him that a bogie is heading their way, only a minute until impact. He rips up the cover in the flooring, pushing Natasha below him and covering them with his shield.

She is unconscious by the time he manages to shove the rocks off of them. He carries her bridal style in his arms, running as quickly as he can away from that place. He can hear the agents closing in on them.

There's nowhere else for them to go. Shield is compromised and the news is plastered with his face calling him a traitor. Stark Tower is most likely compromised too. He doesn't know anyone outside of Shield except… Sam Wilson.

\--

The soldier knows how to get in and out of somewhere without being detected. His boss's house is no different. He breaks in and waits at the kitchen table with the light off. He hears the maid on the other side of the wall when Pierce walks through, staring at him like he saw a ghost. He guesses the man technically did.

The Asset assesses the man in front of him: weaponless and surprised. He appears fearful in front of the soldier, but quickly tries to mask it by asking of he wants any milk. Pathetic.

"The time table has moved. Our window is limited."

He watches carefully as the man walks over to the table, taking a seat opposite of himself. The man is trying to appear relaxed, but the soldier knows better. No one is ever relaxed around the Soldier. His handlers were always scared of their creation.

"Two targets, level six. They already cost me Zola. I want confirmed death in ten hours."

His eyes flicker from the man sitting across from him to the maid who walks in, saying she forgot her phone. How unfortunate. She now has to die. No one who sees his face lives. The man reaches for the gun on the table, turning around in his chair and shooting the woman. She is dead and unable to tell anyone what she saw. Quick and easy, the way the soldier likes it.

\--

Knocking on his door, he desperately hopes Sam is there. He doesn't want to have to break into his house to lay low. It'd be better if he answered, allowing him and Natasha a chance to explain. A second later the door opens, revealing a very confused looking Sam Wilson.

"Sorry. We need a place to lay low."

"Everyone we know is trying to kill us."

Sam ushers them inside, letting them use his shower and eat his food. They explain what happened, how Hydra has overrun Shield and now they're being hunted. Sam gives them a record of his duties during the war. Natasha and Bucky established that they trust each other after they showered. Their little heart to heart solidified their relationship.

Bucky informs Sam that he can't ask him to join their fight. He got out for a reason, and Bucky doesn't want to drag him back in.

"Dude, Captain America, aka Bucky Barnes, needs my help. No better reason to get back in."

 _'Impressive_. "Where can we get our hands on a pair of these?"

"The last one is at Fort Mead, behind three guarded gates and a twelve inch steel wall."

Bucky looks over to Natasha who shrugs in response. "Shouldn't be a problem."

\--

Bucky and Natasha are having a conversation about the game plan when Sam flies up to the roof to deposit one Jasper Sitwell. Bucky didn't like him either. The man always seemed like a weasel. He asks Jasper about the Lumarian Star and Project Insight. He moves forward, backing Sitwell up to the edge of the roof.

"This little tactic meant to scare me, Barnes? It's not really your style."

Shrugging, he replies, "You're right, it's not. It's hers," he says, stepping out the way for Natasha to kick him off the roof. Jasper's screams fill Bucky's heart with happiness.

"Oh wait, what about that girl from accounting. Laura, Laurel…"

"Lillian. Tongue piercing. Yeah, I'm not ready for that." He's come to accept that Natasha is going to keep trying to find him a date. Might as well play along.

Sam flies Sitwell back up to the roof, throwing him on the gravel. This part Bucky likes. He likes when things go his way, and he doesn't mind going outside the lines of morality to do so. He listens as Sitwell spills the beans about Project Insight and the algorithm. The man tells them that the helicarriers are going to kill millions of people who might be a threat to Hydra, including the Avengers and mutants all over the planet.

They get Sitwell into their car to take him to Shield. Bucky's hoping Sitwell will be able to get them in undetected so they can get to the helicarries and shut this project down. Sam is driving, Natasha and Sitwell in the backseat, with Bucky in the front with Sam. Everything is going fine until he hears a loud thump on top the car.

A man shoves his arm through the window, grabbing Sitwell and throwing him in front of a bus. He was right. Hydra doesn't like talkers. The man starts shooting at them as Natasha hops into the front seat with Bucky, pushing Sam out of the way from bullets. He manages to put the car in park, throwing the soldier off the top of the car.

An SUV hits them from behind, shoving their car right to the Winter Soldier, who jumps up and rips the steering wheel right out of the car. The soldier jumps off the car and onto the SUV, watching as their car flips over. Bucky is able to huddle with Natasha and Sam on his shield, rolling out the car as it turns on its side.

Bucky uses his shield to protect Natasha from the mini rocket the Soldier shoots at them. Unfortunately he is blasted off the bridge and into a moving bus full of civilians.

The Winter Soldier and his men start to shoot at the other two targets. The black man wasn't part of his mission, but he will kill him if necessary. The soldier aims his mini rocket launcher at the red-haired woman, identifying her as the more dangerous adversary. He watches as she is blown off the bridge, but uses some grappling device to break her landing. He observes her going under the pass way, running to the other side.

Mumbling in Russian that she's his, his men take fire at the other target. The soldier remembers this woman from his mission in Iran. She will die today. No one ever escapes the Winter Soldier.

Grabbing the gun from his hired muscle, the Soldier walks over to the edge of the bridge, searching for the red-haired assassin. Gunshots surprisingly hit his bulletproof goggles, forcing him to remove them in order to see clearly. Now she's just pissed him off. He spots her hiding behind a tow truck, but he still shoots at her, trying to force her out.

Jumping off the bridge and onto a car, he struts as though it were a runway, looking menacing and graceful as ever. They taught him to be as graceful as a ballerina. Who knew such beautiful movements would come to strike fear in the hearts of others.

People are running around scared and fearful of their lives, police cars driving in to save the day, but he is easily able to track her down amongst the chaos. Her voice is gentle behind a parked car, calling for backup. He knows no one is coming for them. His employers are everywhere the public thinks is safe, lurking in the shadows, just like him.

The small explosive detonates, yet no female runs from behind the car.

 _It's a trap_.

Thick thighs are wrapped around his neck while a garrote wire is attempting to decapitate him. Pain radiates through his fingers as the wire is being pulled further into them. He uses his free arm to throw the woman off his back into an abandoned vehicle. Picking the gun up from the ground, he aims it at her head intending to pull the trigger, but she throws a mechanical electronic device on his arm, temporarily electrocuting him. She has no idea that his handlers electrocuted him far worse than that, and that his body is built to withstand such attacks.

 _Silly spider_ , he thinks. The Soldier doesn't understand why that thought appeared in his head, or why he associates a spider with this woman?

Whirling his arm free of the device, he continues his assault on her. Aiming his weapon, he shoots her through the shoulder, near a major artery. It isn't a kill shot, but without proper medical treatment, she will die from blood loss. Running from him is pointless. He never fully understands how people think running from him will somehow save their lives. If anything, it annoys him, if he were able to feel anything at all. The only feeling he knows is the feeling to complete his mission: eliminate the two targets.

He watches as the injured woman takes cover behind a car, searching for him. She would put up a formidable fight against him, but he knows that she is well aware she would lose that fight. A surprise attack will accomplish his mission faster and more efficiently. He jumps out from behind the car she is up against, raising his gun to shoot her.

Out of the corner of his eye, he spots the dark haired target charging at him with a shield. The situation feels familiar, but the Soldier does not understand why. He is not given any time to think about the matter further as the target blocks his punch with the shield. Grabbing it from the other man's hands, he drops on the car, kicking the other man clear off of it. _He should be damaged from that kick. Reassess target: stronger than previously thought; has metal arm._

Rolling off the car, the Soldier tries to shoot his availing target, but has no luck. The other man leaps over the stopped vehicle, managing to kick his weapon out from his grasp. Fine, hand-to-hand works just as well. The Soldier is a better fighter by all means. This should be easy.

Managing to steal the shield away, the Soldier throws it at the man's head, already moving forward to attack him. The Asset stealthily grabs the knife hidden in his belt, twirling the object in his fingers before engaging the other man in closer quarter combat. The dark haired target is able to land a few punches with his metal hand on the Soldier, before kicking him into a car and following the attack with a hard knee to the head. If he were any other man, his head would have been taken off with that hit. But he's not. He has a serum that makes him stronger than anyone on the planet, including his target, who seems to have been injected with a similar serum to his own.

The man flips the Soldier onto the ground, but he quickly spins out of it, surging up to wrap his hand around the target's throat, squeezing and throwing him across the pavement. He hears the sound of ribs breaking as he delivers multiple blows to the target's side. The other man uses his metal arm to wrap around the Soldier's waist to issue a takedown. The target grabs the shield, using it to block the assassin's attack. The other man gets behind him, shoving the shield into his arm then slipping it underneath him to deliver an uppercut. It throws the Soldier off balance enough for the other man to reach around and grab him by the mask, tossing him over his shoulder by ten feet.

Fresh air clings itself to the newly vulnerable face. His lips haven't felt fresh air for decades. His handlers always made him wear his mask on a mission. They said it was to protect his identity. The Asset thinks it was a muzzle made to protect them and not his identity. He doesn't have an identity; his handlers made sure of that. The blond is the Winter Soldier. He has no other name than that.

Slowly turning around, the Soldier watches the target's eyes widen in what appears to be recognition. Something about the dark haired man feels so familiar, like a sense of belonging. It's a lie, he knows it is. He doesn't belong anywhere unless his handlers tell him so.

"Steve?"

 _Steve… who is Steve?_ Why did this man call him that? His name is Winter Soldier. If that's true, then why does his chest feel tight, like a dam about to break open…

"Who the hell is Steve?" His voice sounds gravelly, like it hasn't been used in years, which is technically true. Lukin, Karpov, and even Pierce never let him speak, not unless it was to debrief. Even then he only ever said, "Mission complete," and "repairs needed."

This man knows him, and he knows this man… but from where? Deciding to waste any more time thinking about it, he draws the gun hidden in his hand, aiming it directly at his opponent. Time to end this.

Sudden pain hits him in the form of the third person who was with his target, the dark skinned man. He has wings attached to the vest around his chest, helping him fly in and kick the Soldier away from the target.

_Bu… Buck… What is happening. Who is this man? How does he know me?_

Those thoughts of uncertainty and identity are pushed aside. He has a mission to complete. Eliminate the level six targets.

The Soldier is about to shoot when he sees that damn woman shooting a rocket launcher at him. These people never know when to give up. The blond quickly makes his retreat, taking only one last look behind him at the confused man holding the shield. The man makes him feel at peace with himself, like his whole life has meaning. No, that can't be right. His life has no meaning, he only has missions. He needs to get away, to question his handlers about his target. He needs answers.

\--

Bucky's whole world just fell apart right in front of him. Steve is alive… How can that be? He watched him fall from the train back in '44. This shouldn't be possible. And why did he not remember him. They were best friends… How does he not know who he is?

Realistically he knows that Sam and Natasha are there with him, that swat and Shield vehicles are closing in, but it all feels distant, like all those things are over the horizon while he is still on the shore.

Bucky is in shock when the Shield, no, Hydra agents swarm around him. Rumlow is shouting at him to drop the shield, which he does. The engine in his head is running, but there is no driver. Hell, Rumlow could probably order him to shoot someone right now and he would. What does it matter anymore? Steve doesn't know him. He was trying to kill Bucky. Why is he working for Hydra? What did they do to him?

He registers the sensation of his knees being kicked in, forcing him to kneel on the ground while Rumlow handcuffs him behind his back. The agents are muttering to themselves about not killing them here, but to take them to a remote location. Bucky is going to die knowing Steve works for Hydra…

\--

"It was him. He looked right at me." These are the first words Bucky has said since him, Sam, and Natasha were shoved into the transport van to be taken to their deaths. "He didn't even know me."

"How is that even possible? It was like seventy years ago."

"Erskine. He experimented on Steve, gave him the serum. Steve always wanted to be bigger and stronger. Stupid punk probably didn't even think twice about the repercussions. His body must have healed after the fall. They must have found him."

"None of that's your fault, Bucky."

"Even when I had nothing, I had Steve." He was always mine, and I was always his. Nobody wanted him before the serum. They only saw him for a scrawny sick kid that had no chance of living past twenty. Bucky always saw something different. And Steve, God, he doesn't know why he kept him around. He always deserved better.

One of the masked guards knocks the other out, plucking the helmet from her head.

"Hill?"

"Ow. That thing was squeezing my brain. Who's this guy?"

Of course it's Maria Hill. She is, or rather was, Fury's most trusted ally. She must have known Hydra infiltrated Shield and was sent to retrieve them. Son of a bitch was looking out for his people even on the verge of death. _Thank you, Fury_.

Thankfully Hill has a laser beam with her - honestly Bucky will never get used to this part of the future. These gadgets were stuff of science fiction novels back in his day, and now he's getting to use them in real life. The four of them manage to escape undetected. Hill tells them that she has a safe place for them that no one at Shield knew about.

\--

They walk into the dark lit room that Hill has directed them to. He shouldn't even be surprised to see Nick Fury resting in a hospital looking bed. Apparently today is 'return from the dead day' in Washington, D.C.. First Steve and now Fury. Next they'll tell him his sister and parents are alive too. What a fucking day.

"It's about damn time," the healing director tells them.

What a douche. Even being killed and coming back from the dead can't take away Fury's sass. Bucky secretly thinks Fury is sassier than Stark on some level. That's scary.

\--

_'Captain Rogers,' the German acknowledges._

_A train… 'Steve no!' He's falling, leaving the dark haired man on the train._

_Russian soldiers dragging him through the snow, leaving a trail of blood behind._

_'You are to be the new fist of Hydra. Put him on ice.'_

_Cold.._

Furious and growling at the memories, the Soldier shoves doctors away from him, throwing them against the wall. He's angry, scared, and confused. He has never recognized a target before. The only one that came close to recognition was the car accident assassination back in '91. But today, he recognized not only the redhead, but also the man with a metal arm. The Soldier doesn't recognize the arm, but the man's face is familiar, like he's known that man his whole life.

He manages to contain his growling when Pierce walks in looking on edge, but waving the armed agents to put their weapons down. He's already upset his handler, he doesn't want to be punished even more. The door to the vault is shut, trapping him inside with all these people. He could kill them all and make it out with only a few bullet holes, but where would he go?

"Mission report?"

Silence.

"Mission report, now," the handler demands.

Still silence.

Pierce backhands him across the face, shaking his thoughts away.

"The man on the bridge," _dark hair with beautiful gray eyes_ , "who was he?" The Soldier notices Pierce look uncomfortable at the recognition, but the older man covers it up quickly.

"You met him earlier this week on another assignment."

 _It's more than that though_ , he wants to say. He wants to tell them that he remembers falling and seeing that same man on the train, but he doesn't. He knows they'll wipe him again and put him back on ice.

"But I knew him." This made his handler angry, can see it in his eyes as Pierce sits down on the stool in front of him.

"Your work has been a gift to mankind. You shaped the century. I need you to do it one more time. Society is at a tipping point between order and chaos. Tomorrow morning we're going to give it a push. But, if you don't do your part, I can't do mine. And Hydra can't give the world the freedom it deserves."

Freedom. That word used to mean something to him, but now it is a lost memory, just like everything else swirling around in his brain.

The Soldier is practically screaming inside at the way Rumlow is assessing him with his eyes. It makes the Soldier uncomfortable having someone look at him that way.

"But I knew him." His own voice sounds unfamiliar when he speaks, sounding like a small sickly child. His mouth curves down in a frown, knowing that was the wrong thing to say, but not caring enough about the consequences. They needed to hear it. He needed to hear it.

Resolve is the emotion on his handler's face. Standing, the older man orders the doctors to wipe him and prep him for the cryo chamber.

He doesn't want this to happen. He doesn't want to forget the man he fought with earlier. His whole body is screaming for him to escape and run to that man, to kiss him and hug him. But he is a soldier, _the_ Soldier, and he is made to follow orders. If they want to wipe him, there is nothing he can do to stop them.

The doctors, who look remorseful, push him back into the chair to begin wiping his memories of the last twenty-four hours. Hell, even Rumlow looks like he wants to puke. Good. Let them see what they're doing, and let them feel the sickness that comes with knowing just how disturbing the Winter Soldier can be.

A sadistic smile spreads across his face as he accepts the mouth guard they put into his mouth. This is his only way of saying 'fuck you' to these people. He'll accept the pain and show them the monster they created. He knows that one day they will be sorry they ever made him.

The machine straps him in, securing him to the chair. The mechanic ring moves to shape around his head. Electricity shoots through the machine into his brain, forcing him to scream from the sensation. It's burning and it hurts. Then there is nothing.

\--

Fury opens a briefcase revealing three chips to be inserted into the helicarriers. Once all three are locked into position, they can shut them down and save millions of lives. Bucky can't believe his ears when he hears Fury mention salvaging the planes. Is he insane? These are weapons of mass destruction, created to kill millions of people in the name of false safety.

"We're not salvaging anything. We're not just taking down the carriers Nick, we're taking down Shield."

"Shield has nothing to do with this."

"You gave me this mission. This is how it ends. Shield's been compromised, you said it yourself. Hydra grew right under your nose and nobody noticed." _Best spies in the world my ass_.

"Why do you think we're meeting in this cave? I noticed."

"And how many paid the price before you did," he spits. They should have known sooner. They should have saved Steve.

"Look, I didn't know about Rogers."

"Even if you had, would you have told me? Or would you have compartmentalized that too? Shield, Hydra, it all goes." Bucky follows Nick's eyesight to the three other people in the room, looking for them to be on his side. Everyone is on Bucky's side at the moment. For once, they are all on the side of justice.

"Well… It looks like you're giving the orders now, Sergeant."

\--

_'My folks wanted to give you a ride from the cemetery.'_

_'I know. I kinda wanted to be alone.'_

_'How was it?'_

_'It was okay. She was next to dead.'_

_'I was gonna ask.'_

_'I know what you were gonna say, Buck. It's just…'_

_'We can put the couch cushions on the floor like when we were kids. It'll be fun. All you gotta do is shine my shoes, maybe even take out the trash.' He hands him the spare key to the apartment._

_'Thank you, Buck. But I can get by on my own.'_

_'Thing is, you don't have to. I'm with ya, 'til the end of the line pal.'_

That memory has been haunting him since seeing Steve during that fight. Or at least whatever Hydra made Steve into. Sam thankfully allows Bucky a few minutes alone on the bridge to the cave before telling him that it's time.

"He's gonna be there, you know?"

"I know."

"Look, whoever he used to be, the guy he is now, I don't think he's the kind you save. He's the kind you stop."

"I don't know if I can do that." He doesn't know if he can willingly hurt Steve. His whole life was dedicated to protecting Steve, and now they want him to kill him. Bucky doesn't know if he can do that.

"He might not give you a choice."

Bucky knows Sam has a point. Steve was fighting for blood earlier, and he'll be out for death this time. There has to be a way to get through to him.

"He doesn't know you."

Bucky has been thinking about this a lot since they arrived at the cave. Steve doesn't remember him, but maybe he'll remember the man Bucky used to be in his old uniform. Not the Captain America uniform, but his Howling Commando one.

"He will."

\--

The pants still fit, but the blue jacket is a little snug around his metal arm. He can still fight and move easily, so it will have to do. Getting into Shield is going to be difficult, but Hill knows a back way in.

Romanoff and Fury parted ways with them to go off on their objective of the mission - infiltrate the council meeting with Pierce. Natasha is posing as one of the female members. Sam, Hill, and himself are tasked with getting into the control room to make an announcement to all of the Shield employees, letting them know it has been overrun by Hydra. Bucky has never been good at inspirational speeches - they were always Steve's job - but he manages to pull one out and deliver it flawlessly. Sam even jokes with him about making that speech up along the way or having it planned out this whole time. Not a day goes by that Bucky doesn't thank God for meeting Sam Wilson.

Hill gets into position in the control room to initiate the destruction of the carriers once Bucky and Sam replace the chips. It's time to get to work.

Bucky and Sam take the fight outside, doing their best to reach the carriers to implant the chips.

"How do we tell the good guys from the bad guys?"

"If they're shooting at you, they're bad." It's a fair assessment in Bucky's opinion.

The river literally opens up before Bucky's eyes, revealing the completely functional helicarriers. Hydra must have gotten to the main control room and over-ridden the controls. Him and Sam have to get onto those planes now. Most of the men are not difficult to deal with - they're human and Bucky has a metal arm mixed with having a version of the serum. Those people never stood a chance.

There is only one person that gives them trouble - Steve. Bucky still doesn't understand how this happened to Steve, how he didn't escape and come back to him. Seeing him like this breaks Bucky's heart. All he's ever wanted to do was protect Steve. He failed his sole purpose in life.

Bucky is able to implant the first chip. One down, two to go. Sam is flying around the sky trying to get the shooters to blow themselves up. He is able to sneak into the second carrier to successfully implant the chip into the system. Two down, one to go.

"Hey Sam, I could really use a ride."

"Let me know when you're ready."

"I just did," he says, jumping off one of the planes, free falling until Sam swoops down and catches him. Wilson flies them back up to the top of the carrier, trying to get inside to complete the third chip.

"You know, you're a lot heavier than you look."

"I had a big breakfast."

Bucky just catches sight of him before Steve is pushing him off the carrier. Steve just tried to kill him by having him fall to his death. Bucky would laugh at the irony if this weren't a matter of world domination and destruction. Steve just tried to kill him, his best friend in the whole world. Maybe Sam was right. Maybe he's not the kind you save. No, he can't think like that. If the roles were reversed, Steve would never give up on Bucky.  Thankfully Bucky is able to dig his metal fist into the carrier so he doesn't completely fall off. He can hear Steve and Sam fighting above him, and it sounds like Steve is winning. Of course he's winning, he has that damn serum in him. Bucky gets the evidence he needs when he glances up to see Steve kicking Sam off the carrier with a broken wing. Thank God Sam has a parachute in that bag.

\--

Steve is standing in front of the machine Bucky needs to implant the chip in when he walks down the scaffolding in the carrier. He knows he's going to have to fight his best friend. He just doesn’t know if he's going to have to kill him… again.

His heart rate is speeding up, adrenaline and fear pumping through his veins. Taking a deep breath, he tries to reason with Steve.

"People are going to die, Steve. Innocent people. I can't let that happen."

Silence is in the air as he stares down the man he once knew; the man he once loved. The blonde's eyes are completely blank, and he can hear his heart beating evenly. Bucky can't believe how calm Steve is right now and how empty he looks.

"Please don't make me do this."

He sees Steve lower his head slightly, getting ready to dodge any attack thrown his way. Fighting it is.

Bucky whips his shield at Steve, who blocks it and it bounces back to Bucky. Steve has his gun drawn, firing shots at him. The bullets bounce off the shield, but one manages to clip him in the side before he hits Steve in the face with the shield.

Steve is pulling out the knife he used in their previous fight. His suit is full of weapons, many that Bucky is sure he can't see. Bucky is able to push him off long enough to begin the process for the chip, but Steve is right back in his face, making him drop the chip on the ground. He sees it as it slides to the very end of the ledge, teetering on falling.

Steve tackles Bucky right off the ledge of the walkway, down onto the short landing pad below. He gets up to throw a punch, but Steve is flipping him over, sliding him down the space right to the chip. Steve follows and knocks the chip out of his hand, landing on the floor forty feet below them. Bucky is lucky enough to hit him in the face with his metal fist, following up with a kick that sends Steve over the edge, falling to the bottom level of the carrier. Bucky jumps down to retrieve the chip before Steve can.

Running over to the where the microchip has fallen, Bucky bends down to grab it, but is knocked over by the shield Steve just threw at him. He might not remember it, but the man can yield that shield from muscle memory alone. Steve is over in an instant, shooting at Bucky who blocks the bullets with his reacquired shield. He throws it back at Steve, who knocks it away.

They reengage in hand-to-hand combat. Steve stabs his knife into Bucky's shoulder, and Bucky follows by head-butting him three times before Steve throws him aside. Steve dives to the floor, securing the microchip in his hand. Bucky jumps on top of him, wrapping his metal hand around Steve's throat and hoisting him into the air. The sounds of Steve choking remind him of the days Steve would cough until he couldn't breathe. It reminds him of when a smaller Steve would run too much and his asthma would flare up. He wants to comfort and protect him, but he can't do that when Steve's trying to kill him. Throwing him down to the ground, Bucky secures a tight hold on Steve's arm, pressing his other hand into the blonde's face to shove it away. It creates a tight force on the joints and bones, preparing them ready to snap at the slightest shift in position.

"Drop it. Drop it," he grunts. Bucky dodges Steve's pathetic attempts at hitting him with his un-trapped arm. Realizing he won't drop it on his own, Bucky has no other choice than to dislocate his shoulder. The screams alone are enough to make Bucky want to commit suicide. Nothing in this world pains him more than Steve screaming in pain, especially pain caused by him.

Steve still refuses to drop the microchip, even after having his shoulder dislocated. Bucky wraps himself around the back of Steve, pulling Steve on top of him to get him in a chokehold. His metal arm is used to keep a tight hold on Steve's arms, while his legs wrap around Steve's to pin them to the floor. Bucky's other arm is coiled around Steve's throat, pulling tighter and tighter until the bigger man's body goes limp and is unconscious. Bucky can actually feel the pulse in his throat slow to a steady beat as he chokes the air out of him. The sight of drool coming out of his mouth as he's gasping for air brings tears to Bucky's eyes. He's doing this to him. He's causing Steve more pain.

The chip finally slides out of his relaxed hand onto the floor. Bucky shoves Steve's limp body off him, grabbing the microchip to take it up and implant it to end this once and for all. He jumps up onto the landing pad him and Steve fell on earlier, and is about to jump up the walkway when a resounding gunshot goes through his thigh near his butt. _Steve's awake_.

Bucky is able to accomplish getting onto the walkway without any further injury to his body. He hears Hill talking through his earpiece telling him thirty more seconds until Project Insight launches. Nothing like the weight of the world on his shoulders to get his ass in gear. He pulls the chip out from his uniform, raising it up to where it needs to be inserted but not sliding it in.

He feels blood trickling out of his abdomen through his suit. It feels like how he imagines getting punched in the gut with his metal arm would feel like. It fucking hurts and knocks the wind right out of him. This mixed with the shot to the leg has Bucky sliding to the ground, unable to move. He knows he is not going to make it out of this alive. He told Steve a long time ago that he is with him 'til the end of the line, and god dammit he is going to keep his promise. He also knows that just because he made a promise to Steve over seventy years ago does not mean that millions have to die now because of it. Gathering the strength to move, Bucky pushes himself off the floor to face the machine holding all the other chips. With only a second to spare, Bucky switches out the chips, letting Hill know it's done.

Bucky knows what he's asking when he tells Hill to fire the carriers now. He has a duty that goes above his country, above the military, and above God. That duty is to protect one Steven Grant Rogers from anything or anyone that could cause him harm, even himself. He's had to do it before. Bucky remembers Steve being so stubborn and wanting to go outside to get justice for any wrong doing, but Bucky had to literally tie him down at times to prevent it. That might have also been where Steve's little kink of being tied down during their make-out sessions came from (he told Bucky that one night when they were kissing). He will do anything to keep Steve safe, even if it means him dying.

Screams flare up from the bottom level as Steve is pinned by a giant piece of metal that fell in the carrier when they started being attacked by the other ships. He cannot stand the sound of Steve in pain any longer. If he hears one more scream, it will shatter his heart completely.

Bucky is moving closer to where Steve is pinned. He can see the blonde's wild eyes roaming for anything that can protect him from what he perceives as his death sentence. Steve is afraid of Bucky… He doesn't think he's ever seen Steve afraid of anything before in his whole life. Bullies, the war, sickness, or any of the other multitude of things that could hurt him. Steve always looked at him like Bucky was the best man on the planet. Now he's fearful of him. Forget the screaming, Bucky's heart shattered from the knowledge that he instilled fear into Steve.

The carrier is falling to pieces as Bucky crawls over to where Steve is pinned. He knows that Steve is afraid and sees him trying to push the metal bar off of himself before Bucky can get there. In that moment, he vows to make anyone involved in what happened to Steve pay, if they're not dead already.

Using all of his strength, Bucky lifts the bar high enough for Steve to slide out of.

"You know me." He will make Steve remember who he is, if it's the last thing he does.

"No I don’t." Steve throws a punch at Bucky's head with his non-broken arm.

They are both worn out and tired from fighting each other. Hell, Bucky is tired from life since being defrosted. He can tell Steve's beat too. Whatever Hydra did to him messed him up.

"Steve. You've known me your whole life." Bucky watches the internal fight in Steve's mind through his eyes. He recognizes the look in his friend's eyes that means he is remembering something from their past.

The Soldier strikes out again with a grunt, hitting Bucky square in the face.

"Your name is Steven Grant Rogers."

"SHUT UP!" Another devastating hit lands on the shield, pushing Bucky back a foot.

He turns to face his best friend again. He can barely stand, let alone fight. That's okay though, because he's done fighting Steve. If Steve killing him will set him free, then Bucky will die happily.

"I'm not gonna fight ya," he says, dropping his shield into the river below through the blown out glass windows. "You're my friend."

Steve tackles him to the ground, dishing out blow after blow to his face.

"You're my mission." Steve reigns down, punch after punch. "You're." Punch. "My." Punch. "Mission." Punch.

Bucky can hear Steve's heart beating fast, feels his sweat drip down onto his face. The fight is leaving him by the second. Neither of them has anything left in the tank. They're beat. He sees Steve raise his arm back like he's going to punch again. It's now or never.

"Then finish it. Cause I'm with ya 'til the end of the line."

Something snaps inside the Soldier's head at the sound of those words. _Bucky_. Images of the man pinned below him play in his mind. Steve's mother had just died, and Bucky was there trying to comfort him, letting him know he didn't have to go through it alone.

His breathing is rapid, arm still raised in the air and confusion mixed with pain and recognition on his face. He's hasn't felt anything near this in over seventy years. All that keeps running through his mind is the name Bucky.

The floor gives out below them as a piece of the carrier crashes into the floor. Steve watches as Bucky's lifeless body falls from the carrier into the river below. _NO_ , his mind is shouting at him. _SAVE HIM_. He remembers falling off the train; remembers the look on Bucky's face as he fell to his supposed death. He needs that man. He doesn't understand any of it, but he has some primal level of knowing that Bucky must be saved.

Steve lets go the beam he was holding himself on, diving down into the river to grab the man that fell before him. Dragging him out of the water, Steve deposits his body on the shoreline, making sure that the dark haired man is breathing. He wants to stay, but knows he can't. Shield or Hydra would capture him and lock him away or kill him. He needs to figure out who he is, or was. The Winter Soldier doesn't want his identity back, but the other man inside him screaming does. Hydra stole it from him, and he wants to reclaim it as his own. Nothing is his, but soon the name the other has been calling him will be. It's going to take time, but he will uncover the truth about himself.

Looking down at the man, he thinks _mine_. He doesn't remember it yet, but Bucky has always been Steve's, and vice versa. The other voice inside the Soldier's head is yelling to not hurt the man, to protect him at all costs. That is what the Soldier is going to do. He takes one last glance at the beautiful man laid out before him, then turns his back to leave. He will see him again.

\--

It smells like death mixed with Sam's body spray. He hears a heart monitor beeping a steady rhythm to his left, along with some sort of music that he has never heard. Pain registers in his head, stomach, and leg. He can feel his bones sliding into place to heal themselves, and the bone growing back where bullets shattered them. Opening his eyes, he looks down at himself first, then over to his right where he spots Sam dozing off in the chair. _Must have been here all night_. He doesn't know who fished him out of the river, or the status of Steve, Shield, and Hydra, but that's okay for now. He'll have Sam inform him of everything later. But for now, he has his new friend here watching over him, and that's all he can ask for. Because he is still a little shit, Bucky cannot refrain from teasing Sam.

"On your left."

\--

"So, you've experienced this kind of thing before."

"You get used to it," he tells Fury, looking down at the director's fake grave in the cemetery.

"We've been data-mining Hydra's files. Looks like a lot of rats didn't go down with the ship. I'm headed to Europe tonight. Wanted to ask if you'd come."

As much as he appreciates Fury offering him the chance to destroy Hydra bases and be a spy, he has other important things to do, like locating Steve and making sure he's okay.

"Something I gotta do first."

"Alright then. If anybody asks for me, tell them they can find me right here," he says, pointing to his grave.

Bucky reaches out to shake the man's hand, wishing him good luck in his pursuit.

"You should be honored. That's about as close as he gets to saying thank you."

He and Sam turn in unison to see Natasha walking up to them with a file in hand.

"Not going with him?"

"No."

"Not staying here."

"I blew all my covers. I gotta go figure out a few new ones."

"That might take awhile."

"I'm counting on it," she says smiling at him. "That thing you asked for," pulling out the file in her hand. "I called in a few favors from Kiev. Will you do me a favor? Call that nurse."

"She's not really a nurse." No, no. That nurse turned out to be Agent 13 of Shield, and now a CIA agent.

"And you're not a Shield agent."

Natasha leans in to embrace Bucky in a hug and give him a small kiss on the cheek. He's going to miss her while she's gone. They've become close ever since the attack in New York. She helped him get acquainted to the new world, helped him settle in to his apartment, came over at a moment's notice if he didn't feel like being alone. She's one of his closest friends, and he likes her. He makes her promise to tell him all about her adventures when she returns.

Her last words before departing are, "Be careful James. You might not want to pull on that thread."

Opening the file, he immediately sees a picture of Steve frozen in some kind of tube. That must be the reason why he looks the same as he did in 1944. Below it is a picture from when Steve was first enlisted in the army.

"You're going after him."

"You don't have to come with me."

"I know. When do we start?"

It's not going to be easy, but Bucky will find out the truth about Steve. He will learn everything Hydra did to his best friend, and then he is going to find Steve and help him beat whatever they did to him. He will get the love of his life back, even if he has to take the whole world down in order to do it.

\--

The museum is crowded with people, but nobody pays him any attention. He doesn't look like the man people say he is. His hair is longer and he grew facial scruff along his cheeks and throat. Not to mention everyone thinks he died back in 1944. He pulls his baseball cap down further to cover his face just in case.

Walking up to the exhibit, he hears the machine tell him the story of James Buchanan Barnes and Steven Grant Rogers. He looks exactly like the man in the pictures and videos, but acts nothing like him anymore. The only thing he knows for sure is that he would rather die than be taken back by Hydra. Once he learns who he is, the Soldier is going to find the man he fought and he will get the answers he's looking for. He will find out who we was, no matter what happens. He will be more than a mindless assassin once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeek! What will happen to Steve? Come back on Monday to find out. Next chapter is where I really deviate from the movies, so you'll just have to read to find out what happens to our favorite super soldier.
> 
> A special thank you to all who have commented and left kudos. Seriously, it means a lot to me to know that people are enjoying this fic and giving me their input. I truly do appreciate it, so thank you.


	5. Ghost Of Who I Used To Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finds Steve and brings him to Avenger's Tower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this chapter, and I seriously hope you all do as well. Let's just say poor Steve and poor Bucky.
> 
> ***READ THE TAGS!*** This chapter mentions and rape, as well as violence and punishments. Please be warned if these are triggers for you. I did update the tags, but if I missed anything, please let me know.
> 
> As always, a special thanks to my amazing beta, Kristin. She worked incredibly hard this weekend on this chapter and it wouldn't be as good as it it without her!
> 
> Enjoy chapter 5!

The museum provided useful insight into who he used to be. _Captain Steven Grant Rogers_. The program at the museum informed him that he and Bucky were best friends on the playground and battlefield. He was supposedly injected with a serum, created by a Dr. Erskine, who was murdered by a Hydra agent immediately afterward. He learned that he and Bucky were inseparable and moved in tandem with one another seamlessly. _We're connected. Protect him. Love him. Go back to him_. The other voice in his head, Steve, is telling him. He doesn't know what to make of it. Hydra ordered him to kill Bucky, but he purposefully did not complete his mission. His programming failed and the other man surfaced on that helicarrier. For once, the Winter Soldier was powerless, and the museum made him realize why. Steve barely remembers what happened before Hydra - he fell from a train looking directly into Bucky's eyes. He remembers the man looking heartbroken, the only reason for his entire existence taken from him. Steve reflects on experiencing similar feelings during the fall.

Hydra thought they took his memories away, but all they did was suppress them. Steve is randomly remembering different aspects of his life, from times when he was skinny and when he was much larger. He recalls snapshots from his past life, but they only come to him in pictures and not actual memories. His mind is trying to heal itself, trying to put the pieces of the puzzle back together, but most pieces are still missing. He has to know why, and the only people who can tell him that are Hydra and Bucky. _Hydra first_. They will pay for what they did to him, for what they made him into. The museum showed him that he used to be a righteous person. Hydra stole that from him. They made him into a monster. Well, they're about to find out what happens when their monster is off its leash.

The base in D.C. has been compromised and demolished. The Winter Soldier knows that the remaining bases in the United States are not of importance at this moment. The Soldier knows that he must first go to Russia - he thinks he spent the longest time there. He will make them squeal like the little pigs they are and they will tell him everything he wants to know.

\--

Steve forgot just how cold Russia is. He remembers - wondering if that is why the Russians named him 'The Winter Soldier'. Before the Red Room, he had just been 'The Assest'. The Russians found that lacked flair, therefore, they came up with 'The Winter Soldier'. _Probably because it's so fucking cold and feels like winter all year round_. He hated this place, but oddly enough it feels like home to him. Not the good kind of home like New York does, but home in the sense that he spent a good portion of his life here and the people and places are familiar.

There are Hydra bases located all throughout Russia. The main base is located in Moscow, but other smaller bases are in St. Petersburg, Novosibirsk, and Yekaterinburg. The plan is to raid the smaller bases first to gather information before destroying the mother base. He'll get the information he needs and then burn them to the ground.

The base in Yekaterinburg provided little information on himself, as either the Winter Soldier or as Steve Rogers. The Winter Soldier is beginning to think the only person who can tell him about his former self is Bucky Barnes, the man from the helicarrier. _You know him_ , the annoyingly vocal part of his brain tells him. The agents at the base told him that the other bases would have more information about what he did for them. No point in keeping the building standing or the people alive, so he killed each person in the facility before lighting the whole building on fire, watching it burn with a glint in his eyes. _One down, three to go_.

The base in Novosibirsk is slightly larger and has more heavily armed personnel than Yekaterinburg. It matters not, for the Winter Soldier breezed through it with the grace and precision that he is known for. The bastards never stood a chance. One technician begged him to let her live if she told him what happened in the Red Room. He stared at her for minutes before the silence got to her and she started spilling out all of the information she had on him.

 _You were made to be their slave. They programmed you to do what they wanted and not to fight back. You had no choice but to kill everyone. If you started remembering, they would wipe you and freeze you until you were needed again. They tortured you beyond anything a normal human could survive. But you're strong, and you survived everything they did to you. Please, don't kill me_.

The part of his brain that he refers to as Steve told him not to kill her, but the Soldier in him told him that he needed to. Without hesitation, he aimed the gun at her head and pulled the trigger. He rationalized with his other self that she had a quick, painless death, and that he should be happy. The Winter Soldier could have tortured her for hours before she would have died from blood loss, but he didn't. He showed mercy to someone he deemed unworthy of it, and that bothers him. The other side is making him soft and forgiving - he hates it.

St. Petersburg is almost as big as the base in Moscow, but it does not have the head of the Red Room in it. The Winter Soldier interrogates each human being he lays eyes on until one of them tells him something he wants to know. They hold out longer than the agents in the previous cities, but like all who endure his torture, they eventually crack. One of the agents told him everything he knew about the Winter Soldier program - Steve was not happy to say the least. The agent informed him of how every wipe would happen, the exact details of what the wipe would do, and how it would make Steve's memories recess into his unconscious and not surface unless highly stimulated by something from his past. _New York. Howard_. The agent also told him some information about the cryo freeze machine. There really isn't much to say about it other than it kept him sleeping and frozen as time continued on. The Winter Soldier slit the man's throat after their conversation and burned that facility to the ground as well. He knew the Red Room had to know he was coming to Moscow next - three of their main facilities burned to the ground in the matter of a month must have tipped them off to his arrival.

\--

"He's in Russia, Sam. We have to go."

"It's gonna be cold, man."

"Man up and deal with it. I'm going after him and I'd prefer to have you with me. If you don't want to, I understand. Just tell me now."

"Oh, I'm comin' with you. Someone's gotta watch your six while you do something stupid."

"Knew I kept you around for a reason," he said, smiling back at Sam for what felt like the second time in a month.

"And here I thought you kept me around for my devilish looks and dazzling personality."

"Mediocre looks at best, bud."

"Please, these eyes make men and women swoon," he said as he batted his eyelashes at Bucky.

"I'm sure they do, Sam. I'm sure they do." _Not like Steve's eyes_.

"When do we leave?"

"First flight out to Russia. Let's pack and move out."

\--

Moscow was huge to say the least. It was more built up than other parts of Russia; more modern buildings and nightclubs, more hospitals and medical facilities, restaurants, coffee places, tons of alcohol stores, and so much more. It also includes the main Hydra facility, hidden high up in the mountains. It is a remote location to ensure none of their assets escape and make it to the city before their handlers could bring them in. It also ensured no civilian would stumble upon it and possibly live to tell their secrets to the government.

He remembers Karpov, his former handler. The Winter Soldier remembers killing a man in the training room just after he was defrosted because Karpov ordered him to. That was his first time killing someone when he was no longer Steve Rogers or The Asset. That was his first kill as the Winter Soldier. _The Russians made me. They gave me a mission. They made me kill_. His thoughts are swirling through his brain trying to process the oncoming memories. Shaking his head, the Winter Soldier clears his mind and straightens his shoulders to look as menacing as possible as he sneaks into the facility.

No one notices his enter, at least no alarms go off. He was with the Red Room for decades - he knows the ins and outs of this facility better than most. Karpov even had him map it out to suggest the most efficient escape routes in case of emergency.

The Winter Soldier is able to progress through the majority of the building with mild interference. He killed a few technicians and agents along the way, but nothing compared to what he did in the previous locations. It appears as if only three fourths of the agents are working today, which is strange. Red Room employees, whether they are technicians, scientists, or guards, do not get days off, especially so many of them at a time. As he walks into the room that used to be his, he realizes it's a trap, but it is too late. Lukin is waiting for him and says a trigger word before the Winter Soldier is able to strike out.

"Вниз."

The Winter Soldier collapses on the floor in front of him, suddenly unable to move his body. The last thing he sees before blacking out is that smug smile on Lukin's face. He really hates that smile.

\--

"Looks like your boy has been here already. There's nothing even left for us to scour through."

"He was here, and that's what matters. This must have been the Red Room. The file Natasha gave me said that he spent decades with the Russians. It has to be what this building was."

"Do you think is he still in Russia?"

"We're gonna find out." Bucky is determined to find Steve and bring him back the states, to bring him back home where he belongs. All he's ever wanted was for Steve to be safe, and he is most certainly unsafe being in Russia and visiting the Red Room.

\--

"The prodigal soldier has returned. You've been making a mess of our other facilities. Did you really think we would not be prepared for you?"

"What happened to me," he asked, blinking awake and seeing a cold medical lab surround him. He tries to move, but his body is strapped to a metal table with his limbs securely held down by reinforced titanium cuffs. He is trapped and defenseless.

"We made you into something better. You should be grateful. All Hydra wanted to do was experiment on you and make more super soldiers. Us, we only needed one. And you helped shape our organization, helped train the Black Widow, performed countless assassinations for us, and changed the course of history. That is what we did to you, you ungrateful piece of shit."

The Winter Soldier growled in response, suddenly aware of how he was strung along like a puppet, made to do only what they said. And that's exactly what it was - awareness. The Soldier hadn't known before that what he was doing was bad or how they manipulated his mind into submission. The Winter Soldier only knew to obey orders.

"You have been a bad soldier and need to be punished. I know it has been a while, but I'm sure you remember the punishments, dear Styopa."

Steve's body shuddered at the memories of being cut open, whipped, burned, electrocuted, and worst of all, frozen. He hates the cold more than anything. He remembers how unbearable it was during his time in their freezer. He did his best to never make mistakes that would lead him there. Yet, here he is, laying on a metal table about to be punished for his foolish thinking.

"How long has it been since you've been touched?"

 _No, no, no, no , no. This can't be happening. I remember. Please, no, not again_. Steve remembers they used to deprive him of touch for months and then would gently swipe their fingers around his cheek making him drop to his knees for them.

"Answer me, Soldier." Lukin pressed a button on the remote next to his hand, making the table send jolts of electricity through Steve.

After catching his breath, Steve replied in perfect Russian, "Полтора месяца. Вашингтон, Ди-Си.Гидра использовала меня."

"I see. Let's see how you deal with touch." Lukin reached his hand out to caress Steve's cheek, causing the blond to shudder at the feeling. "That's right, you've missed touch. Do you want more," the man asked as he laughed at Steve's reaction.

Steve couldn't help but whimper and nod at Lukin. It has been far too long since anyone had touched him. Since Bucky had touched him - even if it was punching him in the face. It was still touch.

"Our pretty boy soldier needs touch. We can take the trainings and missions away from you, but we can't take the whore out of you. Pathetic." Lukin pressed the remote button once more and watched as Steve's body convulsed on the table. "Let's see how long you can go without touch this time before it drives you mad. Goodbye, Styopa."

"No, no, no. Please, come back," he whimpered. He knew it was showing weakness, but Steve didn't care at the moment. Lukin touched him and then stripped it all away. He was left feeling cold and needy.

\--

"This is the third Red Room base we've been to this month. Each time there is nothing left. Maybe he remembers and went on a crazed mission to destroy everyone who ever had him." Sam is tired to tracking his way through Russia. It is cold and unfamiliar, but mainly it's just cold.

"There's only one left. Natasha said their main base is in Moscow. We have to go if there's a chance he might be there. I'm not losing him again, Sam. I can't." Bucky is tired too, but he will do anything to get Steve back. He only found out a month ago that his best friend is alive. There is no way in Hell, Hydra, or the Red Room that Bucky isn't going to retrieve him and take him home. "We have to keep moving. Moscow is a two-day trip. We'll be there by Thursday."

"When we get back, I am taking the hottest shower imaginable."

"I'll light the fireplace for you, ya big baby. Let's go. We're losing sunlight."

\--

The Winter Soldier knew not to beg, knew that begging only made it worse. Lukin would leave him in there longer if he begged. The Soldier is not stupid. He knew burning of the Red Room would bring attention, and that's exactly what he wanted. He wants answers, and if being held alone in a room will get him those answers, then so be it.

The human part of him, Steve, is yelling for him to escape. He wants to go back to Bucky in New York. He remembers something about his old life - Bucky used to laugh at him for wearing newspapers in his shoes, and his mom's name was Sarah.

His head hurts from the constant disconnect between the Winter Soldier and Steve. His programming is telling him it is bad to remember, and each new memory burns his brain like a wildfire. His human side is telling him that he needs to remember, he needs to fight. It's too much for him. His brain is beginning to overload with conflicting information. His system isn't built for this and he's malfunctioning. He thinks maybe the memories are ones that Hydra or the Red Room implanted. The only thing he knows for sure is he knows nothing at all. He hasn't noticed until now that wet lines are streaming down his face. He has been crying from the pain in his head mixed with the pain of touch deprivation. A moment later he is being shocked again, longer this time than it was before. It's all too much and he passes out again.

\--

"We're only two days away, Sam. Word is Steve is being held prisoner at the Red Room in Moscow. Natasha sent the schematics of the building to my phone. We need a game plan if we're going in."

"I came too far to turn back down. Let's go get Steve and leave this God forsaken country."

Bucky and Sam looked over the layout of the building on the bus to Moscow. They strategized what room would be best to enter through, where they are most likely keeping Steve, and the quickest and safest way out of there. They have the advantage of a surprise attack - no one is expecting a rescue party for Steve. The element of surprise is on their side this time.

\--

Steve desperately wants to touch himself anywhere, but he can't. His hands are strapped down away from his body so that no contact can be made. It's absolutely maddening. The Soldier is glad no one is touching him. It means they aren't punishing to the worst of their capabilities. Steve hated the mental and sexual punishments the most, while the Winter Soldier despised the physical punishments. One side craved touch while the other rejected it.

It has been four days since Lukin left him alone in this room, and all he wants is to move. His body is covered in sweat, piss, and blood. His whole body feels disgusting. There is no way Lukin is going to touch him like this.

 _Could really use a shower_.

 _Status: functional_.

If touch depravation doesn’t drive him insane, the two differing voices in his head will. There is too much noise in his head. All he wants is to silence the voices, and there is one way to do that. He musters the courage to cry out and beg for Lukin. Just as he planned, another jolt of electricity is coursing through his veins, shutting the voices up until the regains consciousness.

\--

"We're here. Remember the plan?"

"I got it. We're going to get him, Bucky. We'll bring him home."

"I hope. I have to. After everything he did for me, everything he went through for me, I owe him this much. He might not remember me, but I will do everything to make sure he's safe."

"Stark texted and said Clint will be here with the jet in an hour. We need to move fast."

"Let's go."

The two silently crept in to the building through a secret entrance Natasha told them about. They decided that if they ran into anyone, the best option is to incapacitate them (Sam's idea) or kill them (Bucky's idea). Sam is a good man and Bucky wouldn't ask him to do something he isn't comfortable with. If that means Bucky kills them and Sam knocks them out, then so be it.

They run into a little trouble along their path, taking out enemies quickly before they have a chance to sound an alarm. Based on the blueprints, the medical bay is just a few doors ahead. According to Nat, this is where they are likely to be holding Steve, wanting to punish him for causing so much trouble and chaos for them.

Bucky opens the door to the medical bay and stops in shock at what he sees - Steve strapped to the table, drool coming out of his mouth, and his body covered in sweat and blood. Steve looks absolutely wrecked. Bucky can hear him whispering for help, mumbling pleas for mercy. Sam walks right into him and follows Bucky's eye line to Steve. The sight makes Sam want to throw up.

"We gotta get him out of here. Come on, Bucky." Sam moves further into the room to stand by Steve, inspecting the restraints holding the bigger man down.

"It hurts." The words are barely audible, even with Bucky's increased hearing.

"I'm gonna get you outta there Steve, I promise." He and Sam begin cutting the shackles that bind Steve, hoping no one walks in on them in the process. After five minutes of cutting with a small laser, the restraints fall to the floor and Steve is free.

The Winter Soldier is immediately up and pushing Bucky back against the wall, fingers digging into his arm.

"You're my mission."

"I'm your friend. Please, Steve. You know me. My name is James Buchanan Barnes. You used to call me Bucky. We've known each other since we were kids. Please, you know me. You're my friend."

"I - I don't… I don't know anything. Wh- why?"

It breaks Bucky's heart to hear Steve sound so small and broken again. He hasn't heard that voice since the forties, since the night Steve found Bucky in that Hydra compound. Without thinking about it, Bucky moved his hands to cup Steve's cheek and jumped back as soon as Steve went to his knees.

"Oh God. Sam, help."

"What's happening to him?"

"I don't know, but we have to get him outta here. Help me get him up."

Sam and Bucky lifted Steve off the floor. Normally Bucky could do it by himself, but Steve is dead weight at the moment. As they start to move, he hears Steve whisper "safe" into his ear. Bucky doesn't know what to think about that, whether he means Bucky feels safe, that Steve wants to be safe, or what. He used to know what Steve wanted all the time, was able to read his nonverbal cues better than anything, but now he doesn't know what he wants. Steve isn't talking, just following along with his head down looking like a kicked puppy.

Rounding the corner out of the room, they are met with six armed agents. Before Sam or Bucky can do anything, something snaps in Steve and he grabs the guns from the two men's waists and quickly shoots each agent with fatal accuracy. The two men turn to look at him and see that he is no longer than man they found; he is the Winter Soldier.

"Follow me and you will make it out alive."

Bucky and Sam shared a quick look before following Steve's lead. Any time they came across agents, Steve would immediately kill them and keep walking. The man was striding like he was on a mission from God himself.

They are about to reach the exit when a man walks out of the room to the left of door, blocking their way out. Steve immediately freezes, unable to move at the sight of Lukin. His mind is frantic with thoughts of going back to the chair, knowing that he will be ordered to kill these two men. He doesn't think he could kill the one he calls Bucky. The voice inside him is screaming to keep him safe.

"Well, well, well. You came for the Soldier. I can't allow you to leave with him."

"His name is Steve, and he is coming with us."

"Вниз."

Steve drops to his knees next to them, hands behind his back and head down. Bucky recognizes the look of complete submission and grabs the gun the Steve dropped and shoots at Lukin, who clearly wasn't expecting this quick of a reaction. The Russian had no idea Bucky was injected with a version of the serum Steve was, and it enhanced his reaction time.

Three bullets straight through center mass on Lukin, who drops to the floor with a shocked look on his face. The same look still on his face when he dies. Steve is whimpering on the floor beneath them, looking like he wants to crawl over to Lukin's body.

"Let's go. Clint is waiting half a mile from here." Bucky and Sam lift Steve's body again, holding him up by the shoulders as they swiftly escape through the door and out into the wilderness to find Stark's plane.

Bucky risks a glance towards Steve and wishes he hadn't. Steve's face is completely blank, devoid of any emotion or thought. Bucky desperately wishes he knew how to help his friend. Thankfully, Sam grabbed a couple folders from the medical room that can hopefully shed some light on what procedures they performed on Steve.

Bucky and Sam manage to walk Steve into the plane without a great deal of trouble. Steve is malleable and pliant at the moment, doing anything the others ask of him. It's not ideal, but it does make it easier to strap his seatbelt on and make him as comfortable as he can be on the flight back. The trip is silent; Sam sleeps and Bucky watches Steve as he stares ahead into nothingness, the same blank expression on his face.

 _I hope Steve is still in there. Please God, let him be in there_.

\--

The plane lands on top of Avengers Tower and Bucky wakes Sam with a nudge to his leg. Bucky knows Steve has been awake the entire flight, just silently staring into nothingness. He didn't ask Steve any questions and the blond didn't say one word, or look in their general direction. Bucky has no idea how Steve is going to react to the team, especially Tony since he might remind him of Howard. Steve didn't even acknowledge Clint once the entire flight back, so he might not acknowledge the rest of the team.

Sam is leading the way in front of them, with Bucky and Steve following behind, and Clint pulling up the rear just in case anything were to go sideways. Natasha, Tony, and Bruce are waiting for them when they get inside. Sam minutely shakes his head at them, silently letting them know that it's not quite Steve yet.

Bucky asks what floor he should take Steve to, and Tony tells him that Steve can have the floor below Bucky's.

"Thanks," he sincerely mutters, leading Steve past the team and to the elevator. He looks over and sees that Steve has quickly assessed each new person, including Clint, and files that information away for later. It's strange to see the man he loves being so guarded and calculating. He never used to be like that. Steve was always sweet and caring, and trusted people, or at least gave them the benefit of the doubt more than he should have. This man though? This man next to him does not trust anyone, not even Bucky, and that hurts.

Natasha strides into the elevator with them, and he can practically feel Steve tense at having another person in there with him. The red head informs him that he should take Steve to the medical wing to get checked out and make sure he doesn't have any pressing injuries. If it were possible, Steve's face closes off even further, pressing any emotion down into the depths of his mind, leaving his face blank and expressionless once again.

No one has touched Steve since Bucky and Sam walked him out of the Red Room and got him strapped into his seat on the plane. Bucky is worried that Steve is going to drop to his knees again at the slightest touch. On the other hand, he's also worried Steve might lash out at the doctors, which he supposes is why Natasha is with them.

Stepping into the medical wing, Steve freezes at the sight of people in white lab coats moving around, prepping different tools and machines. He hates machines and he hates the table in the middle of the room even more. Curling his fist into a ball, he squeezes tight so that he can focus on pain instead of what is about to happen to him. His new handlers must be mad at him and are going to punish him. The Winter Soldier knows he deserves this. He deserves any form of punishment for trying to escape and aid these people. It must have been a test and he failed miserably. The Winter Soldier never fails, but this brunet messed with his head and made him fail. The Winter Soldier only hopes the punishment will be quick and they will wipe him as soon as possible so he does not have to remember his failures.

"Steve, hey, look at me. It's okay. No one is going to hurt you. They just want to see if you have any physical injuries that need to be looked at. Okay?"

He didn't realize his whole body was shaking. _Careless mistake. The Winter Soldier does not shake. Do not flinch or look scared. They will punish you_. Steadying himself, the Winter Soldier walks over to the table and lays down, muscles taut and tense, looking as uncomfortable as one can.

"Steve, no one is going to hurt you. You're not in trouble. We just want to make sure you're okay."

"Status: functional. Winter Soldier can go another thirty-six hours without eating before dropping below minimum functional levels. Sleep is not required for another seventy-two hours before fatigue will begin, affecting minimum functional levels. Mission ready."

And here Bucky thought his heart couldn't shatter into any more pieces, he was wrong. Steve is the Winter Soldier and doesn't understand that he's not in trouble. Turning to Natasha, he asks what he should do.

"Let me try something." She moved in front of Bucky to get a better view of the man lying on the table.

"Мне нужно чтобы ты успокоился, Солдат. Лечение необходимо. Сообщи врачам о любых повреждениях. Ясно?"

"Да."

"He should be okay."

"What did you say to him?"

"I told him he needs to relax and let the doctors work. It bordered on being an order, so he should follow it, but he still has a choice not to."

"You gave him an order," he growled.

"It was the only way to make sure he wouldn't kill any of them when they get close."

The doctors slowly moved around Steve, being cautious not to make any sudden movements that might send the super soldier off on them. It was tricky, but everyone made it out alive. The doctors told Bucky and Natasha that Steve is malnourished, needs to sleep, and most likely endured some form of electrocution before they rescued him. The doctors also informed them they didn't know any more beyond that for sure due to Steve's healing capabilities. They also want to run diagnostics and brain scans to see what exactly Hydra did to him, and if there could be any way of reversing it. Mostly, they want to see if there is any permanent damage that his brain cannot heal from.

Bucky walked back over to Steve on the table, reaching out to touch his shoulder. "It's okay, Steve. They're done. You did so good."

Steve physically flinched from the comment mixed with Bucky touching his arm. It reminds him too much of what Lukin did to him, not to mention what Hydra used him for in between missions.

Bucky pulled his hand away as if burned by the flinch. He didn't know what to do. How can he help Steve if the man won't talk to him or let him touch him. All he wants to do is wrap Steve up in his arms and never let go. "I'm sorry."

Steve's face closed off and grew expressionless. His handlers never apologized. It was always the Soldier's fault if anything went wrong. He doesn't understand what kind of people his new handlers are, but deep down the Winter Soldier hopes they're better than Pierce, Rumlow, Lukin, and Karpov. Anyone is better than those men.

"I - I don't want to touch you again if you're not comfortable with it. Are you able to get up on your own?"

The Winter Soldier moves with as much grace as Natasha does, silently sitting up and standing next to the table. His shoulders are down and his head is up, ready to be given another order.

"I'm gonna take you to your room, okay? Maybe even have you eat something small and easy on the stomach, like soup. Is that okay?"

"Status: functional. Does not require further substance until levels drop."

Natasha walks with them to the elevator to make sure Steve does not try anything on Bucky. If he's still acting like the Winter Soldier, he might try to lash out against them.

"When was the last time you ate?"

"Six days, twenty-seven minutes, and twelve seconds ago."

"Six days? You've gone six days without eating?" He didn't mean to raise his voice at Steve when he sees him flinch, but he's so angry Lukin let him starve inside that cell. "I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you, I promise. It's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you."

Steve looks like he is awaiting punishment for upsetting his handlers. This is confusing to him; his past handlers didn't want him to eat unless absolutely necessary, but his new handler wants him to eat even though his levels haven't dropped completely. The conflicting orders are hurting his head, and he wants nothing more than to be wiped clean and given a new set of directions.

They arrive at Steve's floor, slowly walking out of the elevator to show calmness. Steve steps out of the elevator and immediately scans the room for any potential danger. The room is lightly decorated with old art work on the walls, and has new modern furniture scattered throughout. The floor has a kitchen, two guest rooms, a master bedroom, two bathrooms (one connected to the master bedroom), an empty office, and a living room filled with a nice couch and huge television.

"This is all yours, Steve. This tower is probably the safest place in the world for you. The windows are completely bullet proof, security is tight - no one in or out unless you want them to, or if Jarvis deems it necessary to let someone in."

Steve's eyebrows knit together at the name Jarvis. He doesn't know this man and wasn't introduced when he first arrived here.

"Oh, Jarvis is Tony's AI. Just like in those science fiction comics we used to read. Pretty cool right? If you ever need anything and don't want to ask one of us, you can always ask Jarvis. He's incredible."

"Thank you, Sergeant Barnes."

Steve jumps at the sound of Jarvis's voice, frantically searching for a body to match the voice. His fists are raised, ready to fight off any intruder.

"Steve, it's okay. Jarvis is a program Tony made. He doesn't have a body. Think of him like the world's best computer program."

"My apologies for frightening you, Captain Rogers."

Steve growls at the name and clenches his fists, not liking being called Captain.

"Maybe just call him Steve, Jarvis."

"Of course, Ms. Romanoff."

"Thanks, Jarvis."

"You're welcome, Sergeant Barnes."

"Bucky. Please call me Bucky."

"As you wish, Bucky."

Directing his gaze at the confused man in front of him, Bucky continues talking. "So, I promised you soup. Make yourself comfortable and I'll bring you a bowl."

Natasha followed Bucky into the kitchen to prepare a cup of chicken noodle soup. He can feel her gaze on him the entire time, not sure what her problem is.

"What, Natasha?"

"I just want you to be careful with him. Also, you shouldn't be alone in the same room with him for any length of time. He might try and kill you again."

"He's not gonna kill me."

"You don't know that."

"I do know that," he snapped. "He knows me. He might not know everything, but something or someone in him recognizes me. He's not going to kill me."

"We don't know what they did to him. Anything could trigger him at any moment, and it's not going to end well for any of us."

"I'm going to help him. He's my friend, Natasha. I will do anything for him, that includes fighting _anyone_ who tries to hurt him, including this team. Now excuse me, he needs to eat something because they fucking starved him. Unless you think he doesn't deserve food." He sent a daring glare her way, challenging her to try and stop him.

Natasha moved aside and followed Bucky into the living room where Steve was still standing.

"Soup's ready." Bucky handed the microwaved soup over to Steve who stared at it like he didn't know what to do. "Here, you eat it with this," he said, producing a spoon from his hand.

Steve looks at Bucky and sees the hurt and determination in his eyes for him to eat something. Slowly he takes the spoon and dips it into the bowl before lifting it up to his mouth. The Winter Soldier sniffs and eyes the soup cautiously as if these people might be trying to poison him. It wouldn't be the first time someone did.

"It's just soup, Steve. 'S not gonna hurt you."

Steve inserts the spoon into his mouth, swallowing the contents down into his stomach. For the first time since he left D.C., Steve feels warm inside. He keeps his face void of any emotion, not letting these people see that he likes it, just in case they take it away from him for that very reason.

"That's good, Steve. Real good." Bucky is proud that Steve is eating, but can't help but notice that every time he praises Steve, the other man looks like he wants to throw up while simultaneously wanting to melt in his hands. Something gnaws at Bucky, a feeling that Steve has an adverse reaction to the word good. It makes him want to kill anyone who ever used that word against him.

Steve finishes the bowl of soup and looks at it like he doesn't know what to do with it now. Bucky reaches his hand out for it and Steve jumps. _They're taking it. They know I liked it and will never give it to me again_.

"It's okay, Steve. I'm just going to put the bowl in the sink to wash for you. Is that okay?"

The blond simply nods in the response, letting the brunet take the bowl from him to put back in the kitchen. He watches as the other man quickly washes the bowl out, dries it off, and puts it and the spoon back where he got them. His handlers only let him eat MRE's or protein shakes. The shakes had all the nutrients and calories that he would need to work at optimal levels.

The Winter Soldiers moves his glance from Bucky to the red-head. He doesn't trust her and knows that she doesn't trust him. _Good, she shouldn't_. He would kill her without a moment's notice if she prompted him. The only person he feels remotely safe around is the man everyone calls Bucky. It's strange for him to feel almost comfortable around anyone, but for some reason, he does around the brunet. He knows there is more to them than the museum program told him, and he eventually intends to ask the man about them, but is too afraid the other will lie to him and give him false memories.

"Do you need anything, Steve?"

The blond stares at him in response. He doesn't need anything. He's functional and mission ready. The only thing he needs is a mission. _You're my mission_. His mind replays the memory and something clicks within the Soldier's head. Without any notice, Steve lashes out and tackles Bucky, pinning the smaller man beneath him. "You're my mission." He starts throwing punches at the man's face - some connect and some are blocked. The smaller man is trying to roll him over and buck him off, but Steve is too heavy and strong.

Bucky catches Natasha's movements out of the corner of his eye, and sees that she has a syringe in her hand aiming for Steve's neck. "No, no, no, no, no." He's too late.

Natasha plunges the syringe into the blond's neck, who immediately collapses next to Bucky. The others are busting through the elevator with weapons drawn when they see Steve's unconscious body next to Bucky.

"Everything okay?"

"Everything's fine, Clint. He had an episode. I dosed him with some of the tranquilizers you use, Bruce. He should be out for a while. We need to move him somewhere secure."

"The Hulk's playroom should work, if you don't mind lending it out, Brucie."

"It's fine with me. The room should hold him. We can put a bed in there for him."

"How did you get here so fast?" Bucky is standing up, looking from Steve's body to the rest of the team.

"Jarvis alerted us that his blood pressure was rising and that he might be reverting back to the Winter Soldier. As always, Jarvis was right."

"Thank you, Sir."

"Welcome, buddy. Someone carry sleeping beauty to the Hulk's room, while me and Bruce move a bed in there for him."

"Thank you, Tony."

"Don't mention it. Seriously, don't mention it to anyone. I can't have my reputation ruined by the public finding out I have a soft spot for old super soldiers. Now get him up there before the drugs wear off."

Bruce and Tony, along with Clint, got into the elevator and rode off first. Natasha stayed behind with Bucky to help him lift Steve and carry him into the elevator.

"Where did you get that?"

"I swiped one from the medical wing when we were there. Figured it might come in handy incase he went off the deep end. I was right."

"Why didn't he try before? I mean, he had the entire plane ride to kill me, plus the elevator ride to the medical wing, the whole time in the medical wing, and before I fed him soup."

"Some part of him might have recognized you, but something we did triggered him, or his brain reverted back on its own. Mind control is tricky, Barnes. We're going to have to study him to figure out what exactly they did."

"Will he ever remember me?"

"He might, he might not. It's too hard to tell. It's going to take time though. He probably won't remember right away."

"I just want him to know that none of this is his fault. He only did all those things because Hydra made him do it."

"Good luck with that." She chuckled as she looked at Barnes. "From what I've read about Steve and from what you've told me about him, he's stubborn and takes the weight of the world on his shoulders. He'll probably always blame himself. That is, if he remembers who he is."

"He will remember. He has to." They arrive on the floor that has the Hulk's massive play room. The bed is already set up with blankets and pillows. _Thank you, Tony_. He and Natasha gently deposit Steve onto the bed, tucking his body under the covers. Bucky leans down to whisper in Steve's ear, "I'm so sorry, Steve." Him and Natasha leave after that, letting Steve get the rest he so desperately needs.

\--

"So, what the fuck just happened?" Bless Sam for being blunt when he wants to be.

"He had an episode. Either something we did or said triggered him, or his mind reverted on its own. His mind doing it is the more likely option." Natasha told them the same thing she told Bucky mere minutes ago.

"Why do you say that?"

"Hydra forced an entire other personality into his brain. His brain is probably trying to heal itself, but is having trouble with conflicting information. His neural pathways are probably crossed and he keeps switching between Steve and the Winter Soldier. Until he fully regains his memories, he will most likely switch between being one or the other at the drop of a hat."

"Shit, that's messed up."

"When can we get a look at what they did to his head?"

"Jarvis already scanned his brain. J, pull up the image you took of the good Captain's head."

A 3-D holographic scan of Steve's brain is shown before them. It shows minor injury to various parts of his brain - probably from the electroshock he has received. Other than that, his brain appears normal.

"I guess his brain healed itself from most of the torture he endured. How long do you think the other parts will take to heal? And when they do, will he remember who he is, or will that take longer?"

"Bruce, this is more your area of expertise."

"I'm not that kind of doctor," he mumbled. No one ever pays him any mind when he says that. "The parts of his brain that are currently affected are probably only hindering his memories, not completely blocking them. I would have to know more about what they did to repress his memories to give you a better answer. According to the scan, he should have the majority of his memories back, but he clearly doesn't."

"So what do we do with him?"

"We fucking help him," he spat the group. Bucky is annoyed they would even think of doing anything other than helping Steve.

"Calm down, Barnes. None of us were thinking anything different."

"Bullshit, Natasha. Don't even try and tell me that you don't want to take him to Shield, or any other government agency, and turn him in. I know that thought's crossed your mind."

"If he doesn't get better, we may have no other choice than to turn him over."

"Let me make this perfectly clear to all of you. If any of you try and hurt him or turn him over to anyone, I will personally slaughter you." He leveled each member with his most terrifying death glare until he reached Bruce. "Except for you, Bruce. I can't kill you."

"Thank you for that." Bruce has nothing against Bucky or Steve, so he won't give them any trouble about that.

"I'm with Bucky Bear on this one. Steve's been through enough and has been passed around from agency to agency for far too long. Let the man live in peace."

"Sorry Tash, but I'm with them too on this. Steve didn't have any control over what he did, just like me with Loki. He shouldn't be punished for that."

Natasha's eyes softened at Clint's words, knowing how hard the man took it when the mind control was knocked out of him. "Fine."

"Good." Bucky felt relieved that the others were on his side. It would make life easier if he and Steve ever had to leave them.

"But in all seriousness, what are we going to do with him? It's not like he likes any of us, which is weird, because everyone loves me. I'm lovable. People's magazine wrote an article about it."

"He should be under constant surveillance. That way we can keep an eye on him and see if we can pick up on any triggers that might set him off."

"He's gonna be pissed when he wakes up and realizes he trapped him in a room he has no chance of escaping." Bucky knows how much the other man hated feeling trapped before the serum and Hydra, he can only imagine how he's going to feel about it now. It's not going to be pretty.

"Who is allowed near him? We shouldn't overcrowd him, but we should introduce ourselves and slowly start to integrate ourselves into his daily life. That way he gets comfortable around all of us."

"Me, probably Sam, Bruce, and maybe Natasha. Maybe. I'm not letting him out of my sights again, so I am definitely going in there. Sam was with me during the rescue so he has some semblance of recognition. Clint, you piloted the plane but I don't think he even glanced your way the entire flight, so you're a wildcard. Tony, he might associate you to Howard, which will annoy you and he'll pick up on it and might lash out. So you're a no go for now. Bruce, you're a doctor which means he might hate you, but at least you can check his vitals and stuff. Plus, it's not like he can really hurt you. And Natasha, I don't know how he feels about you. You're probably a wildcard too."

"We need to figure out what he knows and how much he remembers. Barnes, you should talk to him first. See if he'll open up to you. You're familiar in a way he doesn't understand, so he might be more chatty with you." Clint understands what it's like coming out of brainwashing. He can still remember everything Loki made him do, and he hates himself for it. But he hates Loki more, and he's hoping Steve will hate Hydra more than himself and the team.

"Got it. I'm gonna go check on him now. Those sedatives are probably wearing off."

"We'll be monitoring the video feed in case he goes ape shit again and tries to kill you. Jarvis has also been instructed to alert us at any time of day or night if anything seems off with him."

"Good." Bucky leaves them to discuss this further amongst themselves. He'd be foolish if he thought they would talk about anything different.

\--

His head feels calm and peaceful for once. There aren't multiple voices yelling at each other inside his brain, there's no noise around him, and the lighting of the room is slightly dimmed. Whatever they did to him and where they have him, he feels comfortable.

Opening his eyes, Steve surveys the room, noting that there isn't much other than the bed he's laying on and a trashcan. _How did I get here? Where am I? What happened? Bucky. Where's Bucky_? His mind is remembering the string of events that led him to this room. He remembers being shown a room, eating soup, and then… _Oh God_. He remembers lashing out at Bucky before the redhead dosed him with sedatives.

Sitting up, he uses all of his effort to remember anything from before. His mind is hazy and his memories are jumbled. He's not sure what are real memories and what are false memories. Steve can somewhat remember being in Russia to destroy the Red Room. _Moscow. Lukin. He wouldn't touch me. Bucky saved me. Why did he save me? He brought me here. He has a team_.

Steve wants to ask Bucky what happened to him, but he doesn't know how. How can he ask about something he doesn't know. He doesn't remember his past life; he only remembers his time with Hydra and the Red Room.

The Winter Soldier understands that he has never been out of cryofreeze this long without a wipe. His handlers would always wipe him roughly every two to three weeks if he had to be awake that long. He has no information or orders to follow other than what these people tell him. This is uncharted territory for the Soldier. He has never been without orders and he doesn't quite know how to proceed. Like the other part of him, he associates Bucky with safety. He does not understand why, but he does.  That doesn't mean he lost the urge to kill the brunet, but he feels calmer around him.

His head snaps up at the opening door, watching Bucky cautiously walk in. The man is trying to appear relaxed,  but the Soldier knows differently. He's scared of him. He listens as the other man talks.

"Hey, Steve. It's me, Bucky. Do you remember me?"

The Winter Soldier's eyes soften for a fleeting moment before they return to cold and steel like. "I know I was ordered to kill you. You're name is James Buchanan Barnes, but you prefer to be called Bucky. I know what the museum told me about you. All other information is unknown."

 _So he went to the museum? That rat bastard. And he still doesn't remember me. He's killing me_. "Do you remember anything else about me? Anything other than what the museum told you?"

"I, I remember… a train. Falling from it. You were there. Hydra dragged me through the snow. They did this to me. New York. Howard. I remember Washington, D.C. Pierce was my handler, and Rumlow was my secondary handler. I don’t' remember anything else. It hurts."

"I'm so sorry, Steve. I'm so sorry. It should have been me that fell, not you. I should be feeling that pain, not you. You didn't deserve this."

The blond stared at the other man, not knowing how to respond. On some instincutal level, he thinks he should comfort the man, but he is not sure how. The next best option is to stare blankly until he speaks further.

"You mentioned Howard. What do you remember about him?"

Steve's eyebrows furrow, not sure how to answer that question. "I remember… his face and guilt."

"Why would you feel guilty about him? I don't understand."

Steve's face shut down further, deciding it is best to not tell him he killed Howard. "Why are you here? What do you want from me?"

Bucky's brain suffered mental whiplash from the quick change in his friend. "I'm here because I care about you. You're my friend and I want to help you."

"Weapons don't need helping, only maintenance."

"You're not a weapon. You're a human being." He is practically begging Steve to understand that he's not a weapon, that he is human. _I'm going to kill all of Hydra for what they did to you_.

The Winter Soldier slid to his knees with his head down awaiting punishment.

"Steve, what are you doing? Talk to me, buddy. You're freaking me out."

"I have upset you. I deserve to be punished. Assets do not upset their handlers. They are punished if they do." He kept his head down while talking to Bucky.

"I'm - I'm not going to punish you. Oh Jesus, no, Steve. I will never punish you. You didn't upset me. I upset me. I'm so sorry. You won't be punished here. No one here wants to hurt you. I never want to hurt you. I only want to protect you and keep you safe. Please look at me, Steve."

The blond shifted his gaze from the floor to Bucky's face. Warm grey eyes met his hardened gaze. The man above him is emotional and does not understand the situation. _He says he won't punish me, but is that really true? It is true. Trust him. Bucky is safe_.

"I'm so sorry, Steve. I hope one day you will forgive me for everything that happened to you."

"You did nothing to me. You do not need forgiveness."

 _I wish that were true_.

Deciding to switch the subject, has asks, "How are you feeling? Does anything on your hurt?"

"Status: functional. Mission ready."

 _We definitely need to work on that_.

"Does your head hurt?"

"Yes."

"Does any other part of your body hurt?"

"No."

No matter what anyone says, Bucky can see parts of Steve bleeding through the wall of his blank expression. Steve used to hate doctors and people asking him if he was okay. This conversation is nothing new to Bucky.

"Would you lie to me if you were hurt?" It is awkward for Bucky to be having a conversation with Steve when the man is kneeling on the floor in front of him

"No."

"Okay, good. Would it be okay if I allowed Bruce in here? He's a doctor and he wants to check your vitals to make sure everything is okay with you. Does that sound alright?"

Steve is immediately up on his feet at the word 'doctor'. "You are going to experiment with me. Put me back in that chair." His voice sounds like bottled rage that is trying to keep from going off.

"No!  No one is putting you back in that damn chair. All Bruce wants to do is make sure that you are okay. He is not going to experiment on you."

The blond responds by glaring at him, not saying one word.

"I'm going to bring him in. _I_ want to make you are okay. It's important to _me_ that you are okay. I trust Bruce with my life. He won't hurt you."

Steve's glare loses some of its rage, but he still looks plenty upset about the whole ordeal.

"Please don't try and kill him. You might actually like him. He's a pretty swell guy."

Steve says nothing.

"Jarvis, can you please tell Bruce it's okay to come in."

"Of course, Bucky."

Moments later Bruce knocks on the door and Bucky lets him in.

"Hi Bruce. Come on in." Bruce walks in and Bucky shuts the door behind him. "Bruce, I'd like you to meet Steve. Steve, this is Bruce."

"It's nice to meet you, Steve." Bruce wisely does not offer his hand for the blond to shake.

Steve glares at the good doctor, not trusting him for a minute. He seems nice enough, but something about him is setting warning bells off in his head.

"I just want to take your blood pressure and check your vitals." Bruce moves closer to Steve and hands the super soldier his bag. "You can look at everything I have in there. Nothing in there will hurt you."

Steve grabs the bag from his hands and starts rummaging through its contents. There is a blood pressure arm wrap and pump, a device to check his ears and throat, and a listening device for his heart. He glances from the bag to Bruce, back down the bag, and finally back up to Bruce. He tosses the bag at the man and gives a curt nod, allowing the doctor to proceed.

"I'm going to touch your arm. Is that okay?"

The doctors at Hydra or the Red Room never asked if it was okay to touch him. They did what they wanted without any regard to what he wanted. Maybe Bruce isn't as terrible as his mind is making him out to be. "Yes."

"Okay." Bruce wraps the blood pressure cuff around his arm. "I'm going to start pumping. You are going to feel a tight pressure in your arm, but that is normal. It's supposed to do that."

"Fine."

"Okay." Bruce begins pumping and can see, along with Bucky, when Steve's body tenses at the pressure. It's not that it hurts, but it might remind him what his previous doctors did to him. "You're doing good, Steve. Just a second longer, and that's done."

Bucky noticed Steve made a disgusted face again when Bruce praised him. It was a simple 'good job', but it affected Steve. The man looked like he wanted to throw up again and drop to his knees at the same time. _Definite adverse reaction to praise_. He'll need to make the team aware of this.

Bruce goes through the same procedure with the other instruments, asking Steve each time for his permission to touch him. After finishing up checking his ears, throat, and heart, Bruce thanks him for letting him do that and leaves. He doesn't need to be around a ticking time bomb any longer than he needs to.

Bucky looks back at Steve after Bruce leaves and notices that man is tense and avoiding eye contact. "Hey, Steve. You're okay. You did good." He silently curses himself for praising Steve again. "Thank you for letting Bruce do that. I know it probably wasn't easy for you, but thank you anyways." The other man does not respond. "Do you want to be alone right now or is it okay if I stay?"

Steve does not meet Bucky's eyes, but he does relax his shoulders - not by much, but he does relax them. He almost looks like he's forced himself to relax, made to fool people. Bucky takes it as a sign to stay, so he does. He and Steve sit in silence for two hours before Bucky's stomach rumbles.

"I'm hungry. Are you?"

"Asset does not need to eat for four days."

 _Four days? I thought it was three before the soup_. The chicken and noodles must have been more filling than anything Hydra ever fed him.

"You really should eat, Steve," he says, letting out a long sigh. "It's not healthy for you to not eat, especially with your metabolism."

"Do you want me to eat?"

"Yes, I do."

"I will eat." The Winter Soldier figures he might as well eat and restore himself to proper fighting condition if he needs to be used for a mission or has to break out of here.

"Okay. I'm going to make you something and bring it down here for you. Be back in a bit."

Steve watches as Bucky leaves the room. Now that he is finally alone, Steve wants to test if there are any weak points in the walls. He walks around the room, running his hand up and down the walls to feel for any give in them or secret switches. None. Absolutely none. He plans on testing the sturdiness of the wall when he is alone tonight.

Bucky returns ten minutes later with a plate of food and they eat their meals in silence. Steve picks at his food and looks at it like it might actually kill him to eat it all. Bucky knows that his friend can easily eat ten time this amount, but decides not to press the issue. He's just happy that Steve is eating the sandwich he made. After they're done eating, Bucky stays with him for another hour. They do nothing but sit in silence. There are so many questions he wants to ask, but Bucky knows that Steve is not in the mood to talk right now. After the hour, Bucky gathers up the plates and tells Steve goodnight and he will be back in the morning.

\--

The team slowly introduce themselves over the course of the next two weeks. No one is allowed near him without Bucky being present. They tried that with Clint, but Steve wouldn't stop threatening to hurt him if he didn't leave. They didn't make that mistake again.

Steve is alright around Sam. The man chalks it up to helping Steve escape from the Red Room. Sam, like Bruce, has a calming presence around him. Steve remembers ripping wings off of the man in D.C. and kicking him off the helicarrier. It confuses him that the man harbors no ill will towards him for those actions, or if he does, he hides those feelings well.

Steve is cautious and reserved around Tony; he doesn't say one word to the guy and refuses to make eye contact with him. Tony read the documents Natasha released onto the internet when they took Pierce down. He knows that Steve killed his father. Howard's pride and joy ends up to be the one to kill him. The irony is not lost on him. Tony is angry with Steve for what he did, but understands the guy had no control over what he was doing. It still hurts like a bitch though.

Steve is slowly warming up to Bruce. He likes that the man is calm and peaceful. Steve also appreciates that Bruce will always ask for permission before touching him. He still thinks there is a darker side to the man, but for now, Steve is okay with him.

Steve is tense around Clint, knows that the archer is a spy for Shield. That automatically makes him not trust the man. He seems like he might be an okay guy to be around, but he's still a spy, and he is still dangerous. Not to mention, Steve remembers the day Clint tried to visit him without Bucky being there - the blond literally growled and punched the walls trying to get the other man to leave. He was about to assault Clint when the archer decided he caused enough damage.

Natasha is in a whole different ball game. Every time she is around Steve, his head hurts like it does when he remembers something about himself (or a small piece of a memory). He knows that she is dangerous - she has proven that much already. He gets the feeling that he hurt her, but can't quite remember why or how. Maybe she knows him and isn't saying anything. That makes him dislike her on principle. If she knows him, she should tell him.

Thor is odd. The God was not there when he first arrived, claiming to be off planet in Asgard. The man is loud and boisterous, and definitely strong. Steve listened to the man talk about all of the ways his hammer (which he has yet to see) is powerful and mighty, and that only the worthy are able to pick it up. Weird if you ask him. Steve can deal with weird. He knows Thor would put up the toughest fight against him, but he still oddly likes the guy.

\--

The only time Steve leaves the Hulk playroom is to go to the bathroom next door. Bucky and Bruce have brought him books and magazines, and even gave him a Starkpad to play with. It keeps the man occupied for long enough during the day; the other parts of the day he works out in his room (pushups, sit ups, shadow boxing, lunges, and other basic stretches and core workouts). He has not had a great deal of human interaction, even with Bucky visiting him every day. The team learned it was not a good thing for Bucky to not show his face once a day; he didn't visit one day and Steve freaked out in the room and started punching the walls and screaming that they did something to Bucky. It was not a pleasant day in the Hulk playroom.

Bucky thinks it would be a good idea to invite Steve to team dinner on the communal floor. Team dinner is a once a week phenomenon in the tower - whoever is there must be present and accounted for at the dinner table. Tonight happens to be a rare night where they are all gathered at the tower.

"Jarvis, please ask Steve if it is okay for me to come in."

"Of course. One moment please." Five seconds pass before the AI speaks again. "Steve grunted."

"I think that's his form of confirmation. I'm going in." Opening the door, he spots Steve standing by the bed with his shoulders hunched like he's pouting about something. "Hi, Steve."

The blond merely makes eye contact as his response.

"I'm curious if you wanna get outta this room and join us for team dinner? It's just all of us sitting around a table talking about our days and eating some delicious food. Figured it might give you a chance to stretch your legs and interact with us." _Please say yes, Stevie_.

 _It would be an excellent opportunity to observe and learn more about this group. Information could be valued for further missions_. "Fine."

"Great," he exclaimed, majorly failing to contain his excitement. "Dinner is gonna be ready in five minutes, so we should probably head up. Follow me."

Steve followed the brunet to the elevator, not understanding why the man is so excited for this dinner. _Maybe they'll try and poison me. Pierce poisoned me once_. He straightens his posture and holds his head high as he and Bucky walk out of the elevator onto the communal floor. It is the same floor he walked through when he first arrived to the tower.

He briefly scans the room to identify where each team member is and any potential threats. Clint and Natasha are on the couch with their legs tangled together, sitting next to Sam. _Intimate relationship between Clint and Natasha. Possible polyamorous relationship with Sam_.  Bruce and Tony are in the kitchen discussing robotics something or another. Steve tunes them out. Thor is setting the table with plates and silverware, and lining the table with different food dishes. _How domestic_.

The timer on the stove goes off causing Steve to tense and crouch in a defensive position, pulling Bucky down with him in case of an explosion. Steve glances over at Bucky to find the man is attempting to stifle a laugh while looking worried at the same time. Conflicting emotions are becoming a nuisance to Steve. He stands back up and notices the team giving him worried glances. _They're worried I'll hurt him. He's my mission. Don't hurt him. Protect him. Keep Bucky safe_.

Steve allows Bucky to lead him over to the table and informs him to sit anywhere he wants. Each seat offers different vantage views of the room, but they also each offer weak spots. Steve thinks it would be in poor taste if he sat at the head of the table (which has the best vantage spot with minimal weak spots). He opts to sit on the side of the table closest to the elevator.

The others trickle in as Thor brings the last casserole dish into the dining area. The food looks delicious, but Steve knows better than anyone (minus Natasha) that looks can be deceiving. He still doesn't trust these people and he's had terrible experience eating food that he did not prepare himself. The other part of his brain rationalizes he ate food that Bucky brought him each day. _That's different. That was Bucky_. This is food that was not prepared by Bucky, but by the other team members. _Just eat so you won't get punished_.

The team begins to pass the different plates and dishes around to one another so each person has a chance to try each food. When a dish gets to Steve, he simply gathers the bare minimum of food and passes the rest on. Each team member's plate is completely filled, while his is still half empty. He can feel worry radiating off of Bucky, but the other man chooses to stay silent on the matter.

Bucky is about to take the first bite of his food when Steve shoots his right hand out to grab Bucky's wrist, not permitting him to eat. The blond glares at each member at the table, daring them to try anything. He notices Natasha is already armed with a knife ready to attack if necessary. Steve looks over at Bucky, then to the food on his fork, then back up to Bucky and shakes his head.

"Steve, what's wrong? Tell me what happened."

Steve snarls at the team as he feels them tense and prepare themselves for a fight. He still has a tight grip on Bucky's wrist and isn't letting go until he knows the food is safe. He chances one last look to the fork in Bucky's hand and then back to the brunet, hoping the other man will understand what he means.

"Is it the food? What's wrong with it, Steve?"

"Poison." Natasha appears almost regretful as she says it.

Steve narrows his eyes at Natasha. She might have been the one to figure it out, but that only makes him distrust her even more.

"He thinks the food is poisoned. The Red Room is known for giving their Assets good food and then taking it away or poisoning it the next time. It deters Assets and spies from wanting real food."

Bucky shifts his focus from Natasha to Steve. "Steve, I promise you no one poisoned the food. No one is trying to hurt you. It's okay for you to eat it." He sighs when Steve lightly tightens the hold on his wrist. "Okay, we'll do it this way. Everyone take a bite of your food to show Steve that it is not poisoned."

Steve watches each person at the table eat from their plates except for Bucky. He does not want Bucky to eat until he knows the food is safe. When two minutes pass and none of them collapse or show any negative reactions, Steve releases his grip on Bucky's wrist and allows the other man to eat his food.

The rest of the team pick up their conversations from before and carry on like nothing happened, even though Steve senses they're all still tense from him grabbing Bucky. He is aware that Bucky and Sam have sent worried glances his way throughout the night.

Steve clears his plate of any food before the others even finish a quarter of their food. He was only allowed one minute to eat or drink whatever his handlers or technicians gave him. If there was any food left, they would take it away and not let him finish.

The conversation around the table flows naturally. Tony monopolizes most of the time detailing what project he and Bruce are working on in the lab. Tony also reminds Bucky that he is due for a check up on his arm. Steve glares at them, not saying a word the entire dinner.

After dinner is over and the conversation has died down, Tony and Bruce excuse themselves from the table to return to their lab. Clint and Natasha are next to leave, while Sam and Thor stay behind to clean up.

Steve stands and follows Bucky from the table, who makes sure to thank Sam and Thor for dinner and cleaning up. He walks behind Bucky into the elevator with their footsteps in sync. Bucky takes him back down to Steve's room (aka the Hulk room). The blond listens as Bucky thanks him for joining them for dinner and will hopefully get to do it more often. The other man seems thrilled at the possibility. Steve is personally indifferent to the idea since he doesn't like half of them, and the other half he only slightly tolerates. Steve nods in affirmation to Bucky's 'goodnight' and walks back into his room. _Cell. It's a cell they've condemned me to_.

He only freaked out once the entire night and that was in the beginning, so he knows that the others are counting that as a win for whatever reason. No matter how well the night went, Steve knows it is only going downhill from here. He has had nightmares every night since arriving at the tower, and knows that tonight will be the same. He only hopes he doesn't scream during them. He doesn't want to alert the others to his night terrors - it's a sign of weakness, and the Winter Soldier does not show weakness. He asks Jarvis to turn the lights off and slowly falls asleep to the sound of his heartbeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Вниз = down  
> Полтора месяца. Вашингтон, Ди-Си.Гидра использовала меня. = A month and a half. Washington, D.C. Hydra was using me.  
> Мне нужно чтобы ты успокоился, Солдат. Лечение необходимо. Сообщи врачам о любых повреждениях. Ясно? = I need you to relax, Soldier. Medical treatment is necessary. Tell the doctors if you are injured in any way. Understood?  
> Да. = Yes
> 
>  ^^^ thank you to leosapiens for the correct Russian translations!
> 
> Gaaaahhhh, poor Steve and Bucky. I love giving them all the feels.
> 
> Chapter 6 will be posted on Friday. It is probably half the length of this chapter, so it'll give your eyes a break. I really enjoy next chapter and can't wait for you all to read it on Friday.
> 
> Thank you again for reading and leaving me kudos and wonderful comments. You all are the best.


	6. Nightmares Are Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve has a nightmare and Bucky tries to help. Things don't go according to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a wonderfully shorter chapter than the last couple. I love this chapter so much - Steve gives me the shivers and I want to hug Bucky.
> 
> ***READ THE TAGS!*** This chapter includes flashbacks of rape as punishment, as well as violence. Please be warned if these are triggers for you. If I missed anything in the tags, let me know.
> 
> As always, thank you to my amazing beta Kristin, who makes these chapters actually look nice and be grammatically correct. She is amazing and I love her.
> 
> Thank you to leosapiens for the correct Russian translations.

_"You worthless piece of shit, Asset. Why do they even bother with you. You can't follow orders and are no good to us. You fail at the simplest tasks and expect us to treat you kindly? You're going to learn what failures are treated like."_

_The man pushes the blond's head back onto the table hard enough to dent the metal. He has a knife in his right hand while his other is roaming the Asset's naked body._

_"Please, don't… I'll be good. I promise."_

_"Your word means nothing. You are nothing. Just a piece of meat, a weapon for us to use, a toy when we want to play. You will learn to behave and be good for us."_

_The man brings his fingernails harshly down Steve's chest over and over again until he draws blood. The knife in his other hand is being used to carve Hydra patterns into the blonde's thighs. The man's left hand moves further down his stomach to his groin._

_"NO! Please, please, please, don't. I'll be good, please don't. Don't. No." Steve is pleading for the man to stop and cries when the agent's hand wraps around his dick and squeezes._

_The knife is gone and the man slaps him hard across the face. "You are not to talk unless it is to beg me for more. The more you talk the worse this will be for you. Now lay there and take it like a good little toy."_

_Steve is on his back and the agent pushes Steve's legs up so that they are on the table by his hips. The agents straps his feet down, and now has a wide open view of Steve's hole. Before Steve knows it, the agent is pushing his hard dick into Steve's ass completely un-lubed._

_Steve cries out at the intrusion, struggling to get away as the man above him slaps him again across the face and tells him to shut up. Steve can't help but beg him to stop. No one but Bucky has ever touched him like this. The knife is slicing down his ribs with every cry - his punishment for making noise._

_The agent continues to thrust into him, smiling at his toy below. "I'm going to come all over you and make you walk around like that to show the others what you are."_

_"No, no, no, please. Don't… NO!"_

Steve wraps his hand around the arm that is shaking him and throws whoever it is to the floor. Jumping on top of the body, Steve lashes out and breaks the nose of the man beneath him. His heart rate is pounding and sweat is trailing off his face, dripping onto the body under him. He lands four more punches before the voice that is speaking cracks through the fog of his nightmare.

"Steve, please stop. I'm not gonna hurt you. You're my friend. You were having a bad dream. I shouldn't have touched you and I'm sorry. That was my mistake."

"Bucky?"

"It's me, Steve. It's Bucky. I'm here."

Steve scrambles off the bloody man on the floor at a lightning pace, hitting the wall behind him. "I'm sor- I'm… Please don't…" His voice breaks at the last words, still feeling raw from his nightmare.

Bucky slowly gets up and walks over to his friend, murmuring that it's okay and he's not mad. Out of habit, Bucky rakes his eyes over Steve to check for any injury that might have occurred and sees none.

"Buck." Steve's voice is shaking and hoarse from the nightmare.

Without thinking, Bucky leans in and kisses Steve on the lips. The kiss is filled with passion and assurance, wanting to let Steve know that everything is okay and that he is safe.

Steve, who is still reeling and panicking from his dream, pushes Bucky off him as he sinks further back into the wall. His eyes are wild, and he is unsure of what's happening. He can't handle any intimate contact after the nightmare he just had.

"Steve, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have. Please calm down, I'm sorry."

He doesn't want to listen anymore, doesn't want to be in this room or this tower. Quickly moving past Bucky, Steve bolts out of the room and heads toward the nearest exit. He knows that Bucky is right behind him trying to catch him, but Steve is faster. He gets in the elevator and presses the button for the gym, knowing there are stairs that will lead him to another elevator, taking him to a floor from which he can escape.

"Steve, Bucky would like to know what floor you are on. Your heart rate is elevated and it is within my protocols to inform him of such details."

"Tell him I want to be alone in the gym. I had a nightmare and want to be alone for a while."

"Of course, Steve." Twenty seconds pass before the AI speaks again. "Bucky would like me to tell you that he is sorry and does not want you to stay down here all night."

"Thank you, Jarvis."

So far his plan is working. Bucky believes that he is working off the nightmare in the gym, and for now, Jarvis thinks that as well. After two minutes of standing in the gym, Steve walks to the other elevator, cautious to avoid each camera in the area, and presses the button for floor thirty. He asked Jarvis two weeks ago what all this building was used for, and the AI informed him of the different departments at Stark Industries, and that floors thirty to thirty-five are nothing more than rooms for meetings. Jarvis was kind enough to show him the basic blueprints of the building, and Steve remembers seeing windows that he can open in the meeting rooms.

Once he arrives on the floor, Steve finds the closest window to the street below, opens it and jumps out. He needs to get away from being their prisoner, needs to figure out who he is and what he wants. Steve and the Winter Soldier are both in agreement that he needs to get away from Bucky. Steve doesn't want to hurt him and doesn't want to taint Bucky with the evil that is in him. The Winter Soldier doesn't like how weak the other man is making him and wants to get away to gain his strength back.

*

"Jarvis, how is Steve doing?" Bucky feels like shit for kissing Steve and giving his friend the wrong impression. He knows they used to be lovers before, but Hydra made Steve forget. He took advantage of his friend in a moment of weakness, and Bucky believes that makes him just as bad as Hydra.

"I am not sure. He is no longer in the gym. Scans show that he is no longer in the building."

"WHAT?! Where is he?! Where did he go?! How did this happen?!"

"It appears he left the gym two minutes after entering. He does not show on any other camera. I have alerted the rest of the team and they are on their way to you.

 _I can't believe he left_ …

"What the hell happened, Barnes?" Natasha looks furious as she walks up to him, the others behind her in tow.

"He - he bolted."

"Why?"

"Jarvis alerted me that he was having a nightmare, so I went in to check on him. He looked like he was in pain so I woke him up and he attacked me."

They each give him the 'I can't believe you did that, you idiot' look.

"I know, I know. It was stupid and I shouldn't have touched him. He backed off as soon as he realized it was me. He was shaking and not sure of anything, and I… I fucked up."

"He likes you the best, metal head. Did you give him and order or something that made him freak out?"

"No, Tony. No orders."

"Then what, Barnes?" Clint has had zero cups of coffee and is in no mood to play games.

"I kissed him."

Bucky swears he could hear a feather drop with how quiet it got.

"You kissed him?"

"Yeah. I didn't know what else to do and it just happened. He looked devastated, like I just kicked a whole shelter of puppies or somethin'. I can't believe I fucking did that…"

"What happened next?"

"He panicked and bolted out of there. I asked Jarvis where he went and he said the gym. A couple minutes later and he was gone."

"J, pull up the surrounding cameras on the street. Maybe we can track him and find out where he went."

"Of course, Sir."

Twenty video cameras appear in front of them, and only one shows Steve.

"He looks so scared." Bucky is never going to forgive himself for betraying Steve.

"Jarvis, can we follow him from there using any other security video?"

"No, Sir. It appears as if he climbed on to the roof of the building next door and disappeared."

"Keep an eye out for any sightings of him, Jarvis. If his face shows up on any camera, I want to know about it."

"Of course, Sir."

"What if he goes back to them, or what if they find him and capture him? I can't lose him again. I just got him back." Bucky's world is falling apart once again. He had Steve and was making progress with him, then this nightmare happened and he lost him all over again. Bucky doesn't think he can handle Steve losing his memories again.

"We’ll find him, Bucky. Clint, Sam and I are going to search on foot. Maybe we can track him that way. Meanwhile, Jarvis is scanning every camera looking for him. We'll find him, I promise."

"Please find him. We have to find him before they do."

"We will."

\--

It has been a week since Steve disappeared. The man is living up to his reputation of being a ghost - Jarvis nor Natasha have found him yet.

Bucky has gone deeper into his depression. It was bad before he ever found out Steve was alive. Waking up to a new world, a new century with all new people - it was too much for him. He adjusted and started doing somewhat better, even made a new friend (Sam). Then he found out Steve was alive and being used as a mindless assassin for Hydra. That dug the knife even deeper into his depression. He should have been the one to fall from the train, not Steve. Then Steve went missing after the fight on the helicarrier to destroy old Red Room bases. Bucky's depression improved knowing where he was and what he was doing. When he and Sam found him in Moscow, Bucky wanted to cry at how broken his friend looked. It took time, but Steve was slowly getting better. Then Bucky had to ruin it all by kissing him.

Bucky spends the week in his room, not going out for anything or anyone unless it is Steve. Sam checks up on him and brings him food. Natasha and Clint give him updates about their search for Steve. Bucky feels useless, which makes him feel even worse than he already does about himself.

After a week spent worrying about Steve, a blessing in disguise comes in the form of an attack on the city. Jarvis alerted the team that swamp monsters were attacking New York. Only in 2016 could Bucky ever imagine hearing that swamp monsters were invading the city.

Bucky is thrilled to have something to distract him from thinking about Steve. He and the rest of the team gear up and head out to where the monsters are centralized. Bucky and Natasha are ground support while Tony and Sam are air support. Sam flies Clint up to a rooftop to call out patterns and snipe the monsters from there. Bruce stays in the plane until he is needed. There's no need to unleash the Hulk unless they absolutely have to.

The sky turns dark and thunder booms in the distance. Lightning bolts strike a group of the monsters as Thor flies in to where Bucky and Natasha are.

"Good to see you, big guy."

"I have come to help."

"Glad to hear. They're coming from every angle. Take out as many as you can. Tony and Sam are sky support, with Clint on a roof taking them out from there."

The battle rages on for longer than Bucky would have hoped. These monsters are stronger than they look and are attacking from every which way. Clint tells them through the coms that there is no discernible pattern, they are moving at random. It's not that the monsters are hard to kill, but there are so many of them. It begins to feel as though Bucky and Natasha will be over taken on the ground.

A shot courses through the air and kills one of the monsters trying to sneak up on Natasha.

"Thanks, Hawkeye," she says.

"It wasn't me."

"Then who was it?"

"I don't know, Widow. Whoever it is seems to be helping.  These things are going down left and right."

Natasha shrugs at Bucky and tells Clint to keep an eye out for whoever is helping them.

"Sergeant, behind you," Clint calls through the coms.

Bucky turns around with his shield raised, ready to block and attack whatever is behind him. Before he can do any of that, he watches as a fist is punched through the swamp monster's chest, tearing its heart out when the arm pulls back. The monster falls to the ground, revealing a very pissed off looking Steve. Or Winter Soldier. Bucky's not really sure which one is more present at the moment, but he doesn't really care. All that matters is that Steve is in front of him. He watches as his friend crushes the heart in his hand, the blood spattering onto his face, making Steve appear demonic.

Bucky wants to thank him for saving him, but doesn't get the chance. Steve is already swiftly moving around Bucky to destroy any monster in a twenty-foot radius of him. It is bloody and brutal, and Bucky feels like he's going to be sick. This isn't just taking out the enemy, this is vicious and unnecessary violence. He can only stand there and watch as Steve breaks the necks of the monsters, rips their hearts out, tears limbs from their bodies before killing them, and using enough force to punch a hole through their faces.

Tony announces that he and Sam cleared out a huge chunk of the army, while the others are just finishing up their sections. Bucky can vaguely hear that Clint is talking to him on the coms, but his mind is too focused on watching the terror Steve is inflicting on these monsters. This is Steve being cruel. No. This is the Winter Soldier being cruel. That is the only word Bucky can think of to describe what he is witnessing.

The team arrives finding him frozen in place. They all watch as Steve rips the heart out of the last monster standing and squeeze it until it bursts.

Bucky can see Steve is covered in blood and guts from head to toe as he turns to face the team, dropping the destroyed heart from his hand. Bucky, along with the others, tense as Steve calmly walks towards them. He isn't sure if Steve is going to attack or what.

When Steve gets to him, Bucky tenses as Steve places his hands on his shoulders.

"Safe," Steve says to him.

Bucky doesn't know what else to do but to tell him, "Yeah, I'm safe. Thanks, Steve."

The team stares in silence before Tony announces that they should probably leave.

Everyone is silent on the flight back to the tower. No one but Bucky and Natasha dare look at Steve, the others afraid of what they'll see. Steve stares ahead in silence. His face has returned to its usual blank, emotionless stare.

\--

Once they land safely back at the tower, Bucky ushers Steve to his room to clean him off in the shower. Steve is covered in monster guts, and Bucky gets the feeling that if left to his own devices, Steve probably wouldn't worry about showering.

Bucky leads him into his bathroom, making sure to leave the door open so that Steve does not feel trapped. He asks Steve to undress and has enough tact to turn away as his best friend undresses in front of him, without any of the shame or uncertainty of his body that he used to have. That's just another trait Hydra took from him.

Bucky keeps his voice soft and calm when speaking to Steve - he doesn't want anything to sound like a command. He turns the shower on to a hot temperature that will ease their sore muscles and wash away the grime from battle. It pains his heart to see Steve follow his every word - being silent and complacent with a faraway look in his eyes.

He undresses himself and shuffles them into the shower under the hot spray. He stands behind Steve and picks up the soap to lather it in his hands. He announces exactly where he is going to put his hands on Steve before he moves them to his body. His movements with his hands are light and clinical. Bucky doesn't want Steve to think this is anything other than a shower. He doesn't rush through the process but he doesn't take his time either. Bucky wants to make sure that every inch of Steve is free from the earlier battle, that every nasty death is washed away from him.

After he is satisfied that they are both clean, Bucky guides Steve out of the shower and towels them off. It reminds him of when they lived in Brooklyn back in the thirties - Bucky would dry Steve's small body off and wrap him in a warm blanket after he dressed him. This memory is now bittersweet as Bucky has to dry Steve off because the other man is too out of reality to do anything for himself.

Bucky gives Steve clothes to wear so he isn't walking around the tower naked. Bucky stares at the man who is supposed to be his best friend, who is now nothing more than a confused former Hydra assassin. Hell, he could still be out to kill Bucky and he wouldn't know because Steve doesn't say anything. He hasn't said a word to anyone since the single proclamation to Bucky after killing all of those swamp monsters. Bucky is fairly certain he will have nightmares tonight. He knows that this isn't really who Steve is, but he never thought he would live to see the day when Steve is vicious for the sake of being vicious. All Bucky wants is his best friend back.

The team discussed if Steve should be put back into the Hulk's playroom to sleep, but Bucky argued against that idea. He argued that Steve saved him and the rest of them against those monsters; he clearly wants to keep Bucky safe. Sam and Thor are on Bucky's side, while Tony and Natasha are for him staying in the Hulk room. Bruce decidedly stayed neutral and didn't take a side. Bucky told them that this could be a trial run to see how Steve handles being out of that room. Not that it mattered any way because Bucky had the majority of votes.

Since Steve is staying on his floor, Bucky showed him his new room after they got dressed. It had a comfy bed, two dressers, a nightstand, a spacious closet (not that Steve had any clothes to put in there), and a desk. The room is styled much like Bucky's and the rest of the floor - old time New York, mixed with modern features. It was Tony's attempt at helping Bucky connect to the past while integrating him into the future.

"This is your new room, pal. I hope you like it. If you need anything, there's a kitchen on the floor, a tv out in the living room, or you could ask me or Jarvis for anything. Okay?"

Steve says nothing as he continues to stare at the bed in front of him.

"Okay, well g'night, Steve. Sleep tight." Bucky instantly regrets those last words as Steve's whole body tightens. "No, I - I didn't mean it literally. I just meant, I meant to sleep comfortably. Better?"

Steve's shoulders slightly slump in response, hoping it is enough to make Bucky happy.

"Good." _Shit, I forgot about his mixed praise response. Fuck my life_. "I'm gonna go to bed. Like I said, if you need anything just let me know. Please try and get some sleep." Bucky fights the urge to embrace his friend in a hug and kiss him goodnight. He leaves the room, not closing the door completely so Steve doesn't feel like he has to stay in that room all night if he doesn't want to.

Bucky walks back to his room and shuts the door three quarters of the way in case Steve needs him for anything. As soon as he gets to his bed, he collapses and falls asleep in seconds. He is worn out from the battle and needs a good night's sleep to rejuvenate. Hopefully he will feel better in the morning and be better equipped to talk to Steve.

\--

"Mmmhmm, baby, don't stop. Just like that. Oh, God, please don't stop. Feel's so fuckin' good," he mumbles, not completely conscious yet. The need to come wakes him from his dream and is startled to feel someone sucking him off for real.

"Steve, what the fuck are you doing?" _I thought it was a dream. Oh God, he was giving me a blowjob for real._ Bucky tries to push him off, but Steve grabs his wrists and pins them to the bed beside Bucky's hips.

"I thought this is what you wanted." Steve uses the seductive voice the Red Room taught him.

"No, not like this. Please, Steve. I don't want you to do this." His voice is pleading, trying to get Steve to understand how wrong this is. God knows what Hydra did to him, and Bucky cannot and will not take advantage of him like this. He still feels horrible about kissing Steve over a week ago.

"Steve, buddy, ya gotta listen to me. I don't want to take advantage of you. Your mind is all messed up because of whatever they did to you. Y-you can't consent properly right now. Please." The last word came out broken, revealing how hurt Bucky is at this whole situation. He and Steve used to be lovers, and he doesn't want to hurt Steve by doing anything he can't completely consent to. Even when they used to play and do scenes together, it was always consensual. But this? This definitely is not. He doesn't know if Steve feels like he owes him for anything, or thinks that he's his handler and is obligated to do this.

Steve huffs in dissatisfaction. He was hoping to please Bucky and make him feel good. He vaguely remembers them being together in a relationship. He knows on some level that he used to do this for Bucky. It doesn't make sense to him that the other man doesn't want it now. _It's because I'm Hydra trash. He doesn't want me because of what I've done. He's too good for me now. He can't want me after knowing everyone I've killed. This was a mistake. Abort mission_.

Bucky reaches out to touch Steve to try and comfort him, but Steve flinches away and immediately bolts from the room. He calls after him trying to get him to come back and talk, but he's already gone.

"Jarvis, where is Steve going?"

"It appears that he is going to the gym."

"Make sure his dumb ass doesn't runaway this time."

"I will. Shall I inform any of the others about this?"

"No, please don't. Ugh, maybe Natasha. She knows more about this shit than I do."

"I've informed her. She would like me to tell you that she does not appreciate being woken up in the middle of the night and that you owe her one."

"Add it to the list of many favors I owe that woman."

"Dually noted."

Bucky falls back on his bed in defeat, he knows he won't sleep the rest of the night because he'll be worrying about Steve. He thinks back to the 'dream' he thought he had. Steve's mouth felt so good on him, all nice and warm and welcoming. It's been a long time since he's had any form of intimacy, the day before Steve fell from the train all those years ago to be exact. If he is honest with himself, Bucky has missed sex, or more importantly, he misses sex with Steve. There has been the occasional blowjob here or there, but no sex since waking up from the ice. Steve has been the only one that sex mattered with, and he didn't want to disgrace what he and Steve used to share by going around having casual sex in this new world. It is going to be a long night for Bucky.

\--

Two broken punching bags lay on the ground twenty feet from where Steve is pounding into the third one. He thought he was doing the right thing by trying to please Bucky. He'd done it before in their past life, so why wouldn't the man want it now.

 _He doesn't love me. I'm nothing but a mindless assassin to him. How could he love me after what I've done. He deserves better than me_.

He hears her enter the gym and knows that she is watching him. She tries to be stealthy and quiet, but Steve's hearing is enhanced and he can hear her heartbeat from where he is standing.

"What?" He continues to punch the bag as the redhead moves closer to him. He remembers a much younger version of her from the Red Room. He trained her to be a killer like him.

"Figured you might want something that hits back."

It was a challenge plain as day to him. Steve and the Winter Soldier are not ones to back down from a challenge. He stops hitting the punching bag and walks over to the boxing ring. He flinches as he thinks that Bucky wouldn't want him to really hurt her.

"Don't worry, I won't kill you," she says coolly, eyeing him up.

He wants to tell her that she should be worried that he will kill her, but he thinks better of it. He stands ramrod straight in hopes that she will attack first. He remembers her being patient like a spider - a black widow - and lets her opponents walk into her trap. He was never really patient, so he decides to strike.

Natasha dodges the blow and counters with a punch to his ribs, which he easily evades. They trade blows back and forth, though more of Steve's hits are landing. He is not using his full strength because he thinks Bucky would frown upon it. The redhead knows this and tries to use it to her advantage, but Steve is stronger and almost as quick. He catches an elbow she throws and twists it behind her back while sweeping her legs and pinning her face down on the mats.

"Дурной Паучок," he whispers. He moves off of her to let her stand as they take their positions once again.

They are right back at each other's throats trying to gain the upper hand. Natasha doesn't have to hold back and uses all the dirty moves she knows to try and pin him. She jumps up to wrap her thighs around his neck, but he catches her and slams her into the ground. Her body makes a loud cracking sound as she is driven into the mats. Steve might not be using all of his strength, but he isn't opposed roughing her up a bit. After all, he doesn't trust her completely.

Natasha pins him the next round. Steve was trying to put her in a chokehold, but Natasha managed to slither from it and kick his legs out. When he hit the ground she was immediately on top him with her hand to his throat declaring her victory.

The two of them spar for another hour in the ring. Steve pins Natasha more than she pins him. The serum gives him an advantage over her and makes him less likely to go down when she shifts her weight to try and knock him off balance. He trained her and knows the majority of her moves. He files away the fact that she has received further training, and has since become a more worthy opponent.

"Do you remember me," she asks, sitting up on the mats and patting the spot next to her.

"Да."

"All of it?"

"Да."

"Want to tell me what happened with Bucky tonight?"

Steve didn't respond to her question.

"Did you try to hurt him?" Her voice is calm but Steve can sense the underlying worry.

"No." He looks at her like she's just accused him of lighting a litter of kittens on fire.

"Did he hurt you?"

"No."

"Did he kiss you again?" She is searching his face for any clues to guide her questioning.

"No," he replies. One word carries so much meaning for him. He wants Bucky to kiss him, but he doesn't completely understand why yet. He knows they were in a relationship, but he doesn't have those memories back yet, or the feelings associated with them.

"Did you kiss him?" She smirks at him when his cheeks turn the barest shade red. "You kissed him, and what did he do?"

"I did not kiss him."

"Then what? Try and have sex with him? Steve, you can talk to me. You and I have had sex before. This shouldn't be that difficult to talk about. Spit it out, Steve."

"I sucked his cock while he was sleeping."

"What did he do," she replies without missing a beat.

"He pushed me off and told me he didn't want me."

"To be fair, you did force yourself on him."

Steve glares and almost lashes out to hit her for that. "I wouldn't hurt him. We used to… do that. I think."

"You think?"

"I remember doing it before for him. I don't remember everything, but I remember it happened. He doesn't want me anymore." His voice is soft and quiet, almost as if he were confessing a terrible sin.

"He doesn't want to take advantage of you or force you into a relationship that you might not want. You don't have all of your memories back. He probably thinks that doing anything sexual with you is not consensual right now because you don't know who you are."

"Maybe he doesn't want dirty Hydra trash." His words are bitter and laced with anger, his fists clenching by his sides. "I've killed more people than I can count. How could he want someone like that?"

"Oh, Steve, that is not true. He doesn't think that about you. He loves you. He looks at you like you put the sun in the sky. Bucky could never think anything bad about you."

"It's what I am. I'm nothing more than a murderer. He deserves better. Anyone deserves better than that."

"None of that is your fault, Steve. Those murders are on Hydra and the KGB. They brainwashed you and took away all your memories. They made you into a weapon. Bucky knows this, and trust me, he does not think you are trash. You shouldn't think that about yourself either."

"If you say so, Паучок."

Steve and Natasha leave the gym on good terms with each other. He almost completely remembers her and trusts her to an extent. She's still a spy and could turn on him at any moment, but he at least feels comfortable around her now. He knows that he can talk to her when he needs someone who understands what he's been through and the horrible things he's done.

When he arrives on Bucky's floor, Steve heads straight for his own room. He doesn't want to talk to Bucky about what happened. No matter what Natasha said, he still thinks he isn't good enough for Bucky. He lies down on his bed and falls asleep to a memory of him and Bucky walking home from the cinema in Brooklyn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Дурной Паучок = Silly little spider  
> Да = Yes  
> Паучок = Little Spider
> 
> My poor babies in this chapter! Next chapter is literally a monster compared to every other chapter in this fic - seriously, chapter 7 is roughly 19k words, but it's 19k words of awesomeness (at least I think so).
> 
> I am currently writing outtakes (kinda like deleted scenes) for this fic. After chapter 8 is posted next Friday, then I'll probably follow the same schedule in posting the outtakes - though I'll probably post multiple ones at once. I'm going to makes this fic a series, and part 2 of the series will be the outtakes.
> 
> Thank you all again for reading, dropping kudos, and your awesome words of encouragement/love in the comments. You all are the best and I hope you enjoyed this chapter and hopefully will enjoy the remaining two chapters.


	7. Fondue Deprogramming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I know this seems bad, but this is actually good."
> 
> They all turn to look at Natasha like she's crazy for even suggesting that this could be good.
> 
> "Think about it. Tony just triggered him. It's another word that we know is a trigger. It brings up the discussion of deprogramming, which we should have worked on when you first brought him in."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is an absolute monster - seriously, it's like 19k words!
> 
> ***READ THE TAGS!***This chapter contains mentions of rape, suicide attempt, violence, and sex***
> 
> A SPECIAL thanks to one of my best friends, Kristin, for being the best beta on the face of this planet and making this chapter look amazing and presentable. Seriously, you are awesome and I love you.
> 
> Thank you to leosapiens for the Russian translations!

This past week has been difficult for Bucky. Steve hasn't spoken one word to him since the whole blowjob incident. In fact, Steve hasn't spoken to anyone since Natasha that evening. Bucky has noticed (he swears on his life he is not stalking Steve in the tower) that his friend has ventured out of his room more and began exploring the upper levels of the tower. A small swell of pride blossoms in his heart knowing that Steve is getting more comfortable living here.

Everyone, including Steve, is on the common floor, or as Tony likes to call it, the team bonding floor. Bucky is in the kitchen with Tony and Bruce while Natasha and Clint are sitting at the table waiting for food. Thor is on the couch watching the discovery channel and getting a good laugh at how far behind the planet is on technology.

Bucky hears Natasha tell Steve 'good morning' as the blond walks out of the elevator to join everyone. This is only his third time being around the entire team outside of battle. It's a huge milestone to Bucky. Steve is standing uncomfortably between the kitchen and the table, not knowing where to go or who to be around.

"Steve, buddy, mind coming in here and reaching a box for us. Me and Bruce are short and Bucky can't reach. You're the tallest, except for Thor of course. That man towers over us all. Did you know Asgardians are not the biggest species in the universe. Thor said there are giants and frost people. It's incredible really."

"Tony, you're rambling." All Bruce wants to do is drink his coffee and eat his muffin in peace.

"Right. Anyways, come and reach this."

Steve is instantly on the ground at the word come and Tony snapping his fingers. He is on his hands and knees, slowly starting to crawl into the kitchen.

"Um, I think I broke him. Help, please." Tony feels guilty for triggering him, but there is no way he could have known saying that would elicit this type of response.

"Stevie, hey what's wrong? Talk to me please." Bucky is at his side on the ground in a second, putting himself on equal footing with Steve to dissipate the power differential.

Steve continues to crawl into the kitchen until he reaches Tony. He shifts so he is standing and reaches for the box Tony was talking about a minute ago. He grabs it and hands it to Tony, his eyes on the ground the entire time. After he hands him the box, Steve returns to a sitting position on the ground. He is kneeling with his butt touching his heels, head down and hands on the tops of his thighs.

"I know this seems bad, but this is actually good."

They all turn to look at Natasha like she's crazy for even suggesting that this could be good.

"Think about it. Tony just triggered him. It's another word that we know is a trigger. It brings up the discussion of deprogramming, which we should have worked on when you first brought him in."

"Deprogram, as in what people do to computers. He's a living person Nat, not a damn machine." Bucky is furious that any of them would think less of Steve because of what happened.

"I know that, but that is how Hydra treated him. They took out the old and plugged their own programs in. He knows what they wanted him to know. They programmed him to be the world's best Assassin, James."

Bucky knows it's serious when she uses his given name. Being called James reminds him of the scolding he'd get from either his or Steve's mother for messing something up or getting into fights.

"What do you suggest we do?" Bruce may not know Steve personally, but during his first month here they became good acquaintances. Neither one attempted to kill the other, and that means a great deal to Bruce.

"You're probably not going to like it."

"Why won't I like it?" Bucky crosses his arms over his chest in a defensive stance.

"Because we need to run through a list of commands and trigger words the Red Room is known for. I know them better than anyone. Clint was there during my recovery so he can help. We know the process and know exactly what to do to get the programming out of his head. It's not going to be pretty and it's going to take some time." She appreciates Clint edging closer to her as a means of comfort. They both know what it's like to be unmade and put back together.

"How much time?"

"I don't know exactly. It depends on how deep they programmed him. Considering he has the serum and hasn't healed from some of it, I'm guessing it's pretty deep. This will take at least a couple of weeks with sessions every day."

"Will it hurt him?"

"Yes. It is going to be painful, but it'll all be worth it. After I'm done though, we still have to worry about whatever triggers Hydra put in him. That's going to be the tough part."

"Anything I can do to help? I know I'm not good with people, but I excel with machines and programming."

"The Red Room might have placed a chip or some kind of code in his brain. See if you can figure out what it is."

"Already on it. I'll be in my lab. Play nice, kids." Tony leaves, grabbing Bruce by the hand to figure out whatever coding might have been used on Steve, who is still kneeling on the ground.

"Why is Steven on the ground? I do not understand. Is it magic controlling him?"

"No, Thor. This isn't exactly what Loki did. It's more repeated punishment to drill an idea or command into someone's brain. They wired him to be like this."

"I wish to hurt whoever would dare do this to such a warrior."

"You and me both, big guy." Bucky is already planning on dismembering each person involved in doing this to Steve.

"I'm going to get him to follow me to the Hulk's playroom. He won't be able to do much damage there."

"Okay."

"Встань," she commands in Russian.

Steve immediately stands but keeps his head facing down.

"Следуй за мной," she says. Natasha knows that this is degrading to the man, but it's the only way to get him to listen.

Steve follows Natasha to the elevator and down to the Hulk's playroom where they begin his deprogramming.

\--

The first week Natasha flies through basic commands like sit, come, up, down, follow, and stay. These are the easiest commands; therefore they are the easiest to break. By the end of the week, Steve does not follow one of these commands unless he wants to. Better yet, he does not feel the need to crawl or act like a dog when someone speaks one to him.

The second week is more difficult. Natasha goes through the tougher commands such as obey, puke, eat, and hurt. The last command had a double meaning that no one thought about. When Natasha said hurt, Steve would either try to hurt whoever was in the room or try to hurt himself. That took a week and a half to break him of.

He's still on edge and has an itching feeling to hurt someone, but he has a better sense of control now. He assumes he will always have an itch to hurt something or someone because of what Hydra and the Red Room did to him. They turned pain and hurt into key elements of who he is.

The third and forth weeks are physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing for everyone involved. Natasha, Clint, Bucky, and Thor all leave the room with various bruises and scratches. Natasha is doing her best to work Steve through the sexual commands. These are by far the most gut wrenching commands Bucky has witnessed. He hates what they forced Steve to do for them. Those people made him their personal sex object, and Bucky wants to rip every one of their dicks from their bodies.

Steve was programmed to pleasure both sexes of different sizes and shapes, which is why she invited Clint and Thor in. They each vary in size (both height and dick size) and are different builds. Clint is shorter but has incredible arm and core muscles. Thor is just huge in all capacities. Steve wouldn't let Bucky in for these sessions; didn't want the other man to look upon him with pity and disgust.

She goes through a litany of commands such as "suck", "eat", "lick", "bend over", "open up" (both mouth and ass), "swallow", "spit", "use your hands", and "mouth only". She also has to use commands involving his position; on his knees, on his back, spread eagle, tied up, etc… Each position is assigned a command which makes the deprogramming process slower. They never allow Steve to actually follow through with the commands - they stop him before he does anything. They're not Hydra, they aren't going to force him to do anything sexual without proper consent.

The two weeks almost make Bucky shy away from sex all together. He remembers Steve had it rough growing up, always being a potential victim and sometimes an actual victim of sexual abuse - Bucky made the people who hurt Steve ended up in a hospital bed. Steve had never wanted sex with people after that. He remembers one night they were sharing his bed, and Steve was curled up next to him for warmth. He remembers Steve telling him that night the only person he would ever want sex from is Bucky. After that night, Bucky was the only one who ever touched Steve in a sexual manner. That is, until Steve fell from the train and Hydra captured him. It makes Bucky sick to think about.

The fifth week is spent trying to break the commands "torture" and "kill". This time, only Natasha and Thor are present in the room. Steve wouldn't allow Bucky to enter the room for these commands. He didn't want Bucky to get hurt.

These two commands took a little longer than most, and they spent two and a half weeks deprogramming them from Steve's head. Thank Odin that Thor heals fast, he suffered quite a few injuries from these meetings. Natasha also suffered her fair share of bruises, cuts, sprains, and fractured bones (only her wrist was fractured).

Six  weeks total and Steve is completely deprogrammed of the Red Room commands. He wishes he knew the Hydra triggers, but he doesn't remember. They wiped him too many times, leaving his mind void of any important, grounding memories.

Steve has become more social with the team. He eats with them, and watches movies and tv with them. He doesn't always speak or acknowledge their existence, but none of them expect him to. He still avoids Bucky most of the time. He doesn't want to talk about what happened over a month ago. He can't handle Bucky's pity or rejection, so Steve avoids him all together. If they are in the same room, Steve manages to position himself near another team member or walks away.

Steve has become more familiar with the tower and fancies being out on the balcony or the roof to gaze at the city. He vaguely remembers what it used to be like and attempts to compare it to the present. The city has changed so much over seventy years. Steve knows he is not completely healed or even close to remembering everything, but he is getting better and that's all that matters to him. Well, his recovery and Bucky. Bucky will always matter to him more than anything, even when he doesn't remember the man.

\--

Natasha called an emergency team meeting after speaking with one of her connections regarding the remaining Hydra bases.

"What's this about, Red? I was in the middle of a project."

"Hydra."

"What about them," Bucky asks. He can see Steve tense next to him and he hopes that he can kill some Hydra scum soon for doing this to his best friend.

"One of my contacts informed me of a Hydra base in upstate New York. Didn't know if anyone wanted to go dismantle it and see if we can recover any information about Steve."

Steve tensed even more at the sound of his name.

"When do we leave?"

"Today is as good a day as any," Sam said, stepping up to Bucky's right side.

"Give Jarvis the address and I'll have him scan the building for the layout."

"I'm going with you."

Everyone turned to face a deadly looking Steve Rogers.

"Absolutely not. I'm not letting you near them ever again. They did enough to you, and I won't risk them trying to capture you again."

"You won't let me?"

Bucky thinks if this were a cartoon, steam would literally be blowing from Steve's nostrils and ears, and his eyes would be as red as blood.

"You won't fucking let me." Steve didn't care if the team took a cautionary step back, he was pissed. His fists are clenched and his hands are shaking with fury as he takes a menacing step closer to a wide-eyed Bucky. "Hydra didn't let me do anything they didn't want me to. They took my freedom and choices away from me. And you are going to stand there and say you won't let me do something I want to do,  just like they did?" He knew it was a low blow, but he doesn't care, Bucky has no right to tell him what he can and cannot do.

Bucky winced at Steve's words as guilt wretched his stomach. He is doing the same thing Hydra did. He's going to be sick.

"Listen carefully James Buchanan Barnes. I will do what I what, when I want. You and your merry band of misfits here can shove it up your asses if you think you can stop me or try to control me." He moved closer to Bucky so that they are only a foot apart. "And don't you _ever_ tell me you won't let me do something or try to order me around."

Bucky wanted to cry from hurting Steve, but he is also mentally rejoicing because Steve just stood up for himself in front of all of them. His friend has recovered enough to be able to say no and make choices for himself. Bucky could cry with happiness that Steve is finally getting better. He's healing.

"I'm with Steve on this one, mainly because I don't want him to murder me in my sleep." Tony is always good for breaking awkward silences.

"The address is in a little town outside of Rochester. The specifics are on my phone Jarvis."

"I retrieved the address and am scanning the layout of the building. It will be up momentarily."

"Two stories high with three sublevel floors below. It's fronted as a library and they keep their records in the basement levels." Steve is talking in his flat Winter Soldier voice. "Winter Soldier, status: not fully functional. Repairs needed."

"Steve, buddy, look at me. Steve, please look at me. There you go. You are at Avengers tower in New York. The year is 2016. You're safe, pal."

Steve's face crumpled at the sound of his best friend's voice. "Bucky?"

"It's me, Stevie, I'm here. I ain't goin' anywhere. I'm with ya, remember? 'Til the end of the line."

Steve knows what Bucky wants to do and beats him to it. He wraps his arms around Bucky in a tight hug, holding the man as close to him as he possibly can. Kissing is too much for Steve right now, but hugging is acceptable.

Bucky wraps his arms around Steve and hugs right back with as much force and emotion as Steve is. This moment is seventy-five years overdue.

"Hate to break up the love fest boys, but we have a Hydra base to destroy."

Steve pulled away from Bucky but remained close enough to touch if he needed that physical contact again.

"We should be ready for anything. The base may be filled with Hydra agents or it could be abandoned. Suit up." Bucky took a good, long hard look at Steve who is staring back at him with stubbornness and determination in his eyes. Bucky knows he cannot do a damned thing to stop Steve from coming with them. He remembers what Steve was like before, once an idea is in his head, he has to do it and nothing will stop him. It warms his heart to know these parts of him are still there, even if they are buried under a mountain of Hydra programming.

\--

Tony lands the plane carrying the Avengers half a mile away from the Hydra base. Thor, Tony, and Sam take an aerial approach while Bucky, Steve, Natasha, and Clint take the ground. Tony signals the team on ground that nothing appears to be amiss from his view. He does have Jarvis running a scan of the building to see if there are any occupants and how many levels there are.

Bucky and Steve enter through the front while Clint and Natasha take the back entrance. Neither team is met with much resistance - a few loner Hydra agents here and there. When they clear the first floor they swiftly move to conquer the basement level. Thor and Sam are charged with clearing the second floor and then proceeding as backup for those in the basement.

The team groups together as they move to the lower basement level where the records are held. As they're clearing each room, they come across the punishment room, as Steve calls it.

"That room has a chair…"

Before moving any further, Bucky marches into the room and tears the chair apart, completely dismantling it and leaving it in a pile for Tony to incinerate with his laser blast from the suit. He storms back out directly to Steve, pulling his best friend in a hug.

"That chair will never hurt you again."

Steve wraps his arms around Bucky, returning the tight embrace. "Thank you."

Down the hall there is a loud cracking noise coming from one of the other rooms. They move to investigate and find none other than Rumlow destroying evidence.

"Well, well, well, look what the dirty Hydra trash sent in," Tony says to the man.

"Oh no, you got it wrong. You brought the Hydra trash with you," he says looking directly at Steve.

"Fuck you, Rumlow. Surrender now and we won't kill you." Bucky is one insult to Steve away from killing the agent himself.

"There's no way out of this Brock."

"That's where you're wrong, Romanoff. How are you going to focus on me when you're busy stopping him," he states, nodding his head Steve's way. "Спутник."

Steve instantly straightens his body and turns to the nearest person, who happens to be Clint, and attacks. Steve, or more the Winter Soldier, is only able to fracture Clint's left leg before Bucky engages his friend in battle once more.

The two super soldiers fight while Thor makes sure Rumlow does not escape the room. Bucky has Steve's arm in a similar position from when they were on the helicarrier fighting all those months ago. Steve does not resist in his effort to escape and leaves his friend no choice but to break his arm.

Bucky wants to puke from having to break Steve's arm, but he can rationalize it as a means to save both Steve and the rest of the team.

Steve doesn't stop resisting, and Bucky manages to put him in a chokehold to try and calm his friend down.

"What's the word to stop him Rumlow," Natasha asks with Tony behind her holding his hand up, ready to send a repulsor blast his way if need be.

Rumlow's laugh is gritty and menacing, like he is the only one who knows the secret to the answer.  "And why would I tell you people? I could not say another word and he would have to follow out the command to kill you all." Looking over at Barnes, he continues. "He remembered you, ya know. Your pal, your buddy, your Steve. Even cried your name out when someone fucked him."

"Fuck," Tony huffs under his breath.

"You're going to tell me because you value your pathetic little life more than anything, and if you don't tell me what I want to know, you know you will die here and now."

"Fine, fine, fine, have it your way, Widow." Rumlow turns to where Bucky is barely managing to keep Steve in the chokehold and says, "Ржавый. Один. Грузовой вагон."

Steve instantly stops moving, his whole body going completely limp and his face expressionless.

Bucky releases the blond, but regrets it immediately as Steve starts viciously clawing and cutting himself. Horrified, Bucky realizes that the order was for Steve to kill himself.

"Hail Hydra," Rumlow smiles as his words cut through the air.

Natasha pulls the trigger on her gun, killing Rumlow before he can give Steve any further commands.

Clint thankfully pulls a tranq arrow out and shoots Steve.

It takes three seconds before Steve's movements slow, leaving him knocked out moments later from the sedating drugs kicking in.

"Thor, fly Steve back to the jet and have Banner put the restraints on him just in case he wakes up mid flight." Natasha turns to Tony next. "Stark, start the jet and be ready for transport as soon as we get there. Fly Barton back with you and have Banner take a look at his leg too. The rest of us need to grab these boxes and take them with us. I'll search the computers for any information and have Jarvis get in too. Let's move."

Bucky watches as Thor flies his unconscious friend back to the jet. He feels terrible for having to break his arm, but it was the only way to stop him from killing them. Worse, Bucky hates what Hydra programmed him to do, what they made him do and what they did to him. He hates Hydra with every fiber of his being. He only wishes he were the one to pull the trigger on Rumlow instead of Natasha.

Bucky, Natasha, and Sam finish gathering information from the computer to begin carrying boxes of information and records out to the jet. Once there, Bucky immediately sits next to the table where Steve is unconscious and restrained. He blames himself for every single bad moment that has happened to his friend since he left for the war back in the forties.

Bruce is hovering over Steve's body, examining him for any injuries that need immediate medical attention. He also injects Steve with another dose of the sedative so keep him under until they can get him back to the Hulk's playroom.

"Bruce, do you… do you think he will… still try and kill himself when he wakes up?" His palms are sweating with how nervous he is.

"I'm not sure. This kind of mental alteration is not in my skill set. It's difficult to say whether he'll still be under Hydra's influence or not."

Bucky sighs, rubbing his hands over his face. "I just want him to be okay. He deserves to be okay."

"I know you do. What I can tell you is, I set his arm so it will heal properly. With the rate his body is going, his arm should be completely healed in a day or two."

"That's a relief. He has the better serum, he heals faster."

Bucky tunes out whatever else anyone says and Bruce looking over Clint, his only focus is the man in front on him laying on the table. The man he failed.

\--

The team arrives back at the tower and Steve is taken directly to the Hulk's playroom with his wrists bound in heavy-duty cuffs made to withstand his strength. The team observes Steve through the tv on the communal floor - Jarvis streaming the live video feed from the Hulk's playroom.

They watch as Steve slowly blinks himself awake, taking in his surroundings and the fact he is handcuffed, despite his arm that is still healing. He looks fine, but it's hard to tell.

"Do you think he's clear?"

"Not sure, Bucky. We'll find out soon enough." Sam doesn't have high hopes, but he needs to give Bucky something positive.

Moments later, Steve stands up and walks over to the wall, eying it up like it is an enemy.

"Why is he gazing at the wall like it is battle," Thor asks.

"Not sure, big guy."

"Oh my God, gas him," Bucky yells as he watches Steve begin to bash his head against the wall, attempting to fulfill Rumlow's suicide order.

"Jarvis, gas him."

They watch as the blond super soldier falls to his knees, looking around trying to find the source of the gas. They watch as he gives a weak effort to bash his head one last time before he collapses to the ground, finally unconscious.

\--

 _My head hurts… Why does it hurt? Rust. One. Freight car. I need to kill myself_.

Steve tries to sit up but is unable to. He looks down and sees that he is completely restrained on a table in the Hulk's playroom.

"What?"

He tries to break the metal straps holding him down, thrashing as much as he can on the table, but to no avail. His thoughts are erratic, and his heart rate dramatically increases as he starts to panic.

 _No, no, no, no. This can't happen. I need to complete my mission. I need to self destruct_.

"BUCKY," he screams, hoping that if he sounds as though he is in pain, his supposed friend will come and release him. He needs to complete his mission. His arm hurts, but it doesn't matter. He needs to get out of here.

"BUCKY LET ME GO! PLEASE HELP ME! I NEED OUT. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! HELP ME GOD DAMMIT! IT HURTS! HELP ME! BUCKY!"

He screams for hours until his voice is gone and he is unable to utter more than a croak. Steve is exhausted and screams himself to sleep as his mind is waging war with itself and with his body by not following orders. His entire body is in pain, and for once, he welcomes sleep.

\--

_"Complete your mission at all costs."_

_"Do not fail us."_

_"Obey your orders"_

His eyes flash open and he immediately takes in the features of the room. He notes that he is still strapped to a table, only this time Bucky is there with him. The other man is sitting in a chair next to the table, sleeping and completely unaware that Steve is awake.

"Bucky?"

The brunet startles awake at the sound of his name, clearly not expecting Steve to be alert and coherent.

"Steve? Hey, you okay?"

His head hurts with the need to complete his mission - he has to follow through on his orders. If he doesn't, his handlers will punish him, they’ll make him regret disobeying.

"Why am I still strapped to a table?"

Bucky winces at that, not happy that Steve is like this, but he understands its necessity.

"Do you remember what happened?"

Steve doesn't answer, just looks at Bucky expectantly. He has to be sure he wasn't dreaming.

"We went to investigate a Hydra base in upstate New York. Rumlow was there… He said some things… some commands. He told you to kill us. Then you hurt Clint, and we fought. I had to break your arm, again. I'm sorry, Steve. Rumlow said another word and then your stopped moving for a second before you tried clawing at yourself to hurt you. Natasha killed Rumlow and Clint shot you with a sedating arrow. You woke up and tried banging your head against the wall. We gassed you to stop you, then you woke up and started screaming, before fell asleep again. And now we're here."

Steve can see how uncomfortable Bucky is with everything that he described. He's hoping the man will be amenable to his release, allowing him to complete his mission.

"Why am I still strapped to a table," he asks.

Again, Bucky winces at that. "We can't let you go until we know the programming is out and you won't try to hurt yourself. We just wanna make sure you're safe, Stevie. I need to make sure you're safe."

Panic sets in as Steve realizes that he is trapped and at their mercy.

_It's Hydra. This is my punishment. I failed. I couldn't complete my mission. I need to get out, I need to go. I need to die._

Steve begins to thrash on the table, as much as he is able to being strapped down and yells at Bucky.

"This is what you want isn't it? You're just like them," the words spew out of his mouth with venom. "You want to torture me and play with my mind. Disgusting. You said you were my friend."

That last one hits a cord in Bucky who is currently freaking out at the sudden change in demeanor. "Steve, what's happening? None of that is true. I want to help you. I wanna help ya get better, Stevie -"

"Stop calling me that! You don't get to call me that. You let them do this to me, Buck. You didn't protect me. You did this to me."

Bucky feels like his heart was just ripped from his chest and shattered beyond compare. He knows he should have been there to save Steve. The thought's been eating him ever since his friend fell from that train. "Steve, I -"

"You can help me now though. You can make it up to me by letting me go. You can save me now by letting me go. It's all you have to do."

Bucky can't help the tears that spill from his eyes. His best friend is in such pain and he can't do anything but sit by and hope for the best. He has to leave. He can't stay in this room any longer and listen to Steve punctuate on every guilt Bucky has. It's too much. Deep down he knows that isn't Steve talking, but it still hurts. The Winter Soldier knows how to read people and use their weaknesses against them, and Steve is most certainly Bucky's weakness.

He can hear Steve, no, the Winter Soldier, cry out his name begging to be released as he runs out of the room. Once he is at a safe distance, his legs give out and he breaks down on the ground. He's curled in on himself, making himself as small as he can be - and cries his heart out.

\--

Over the next three weeks, anyone who goes in to visit Steve is met with insults and threats. Natasha was first, hoping a familiar face would help. She was very wrong.

_"Стив."_

_"Natalia, help. You care for me, please help me. They won't let me go. I need to escape, I need to be free."_

_"Calm down, Стив. I can't let you go, you know that."_

_"They're going to hurt me. Punish me. We've both seen firsthand what their punishments are like. Please don't let them hurt me."_

_"No one is going to hurt you."_

_"I thought you loved me. We had something. You said we could be together. Let me go and we can."_

_A dark smile spread over her face. "Oh, Steve. Trying to use that against me? That's pathetic, even for you. I thought the fierce Winter Soldier could do better than that."_

_"Fuck you. When I get out, I'm going to tear you apart in every way I know that scares you. And then I'll do the same to your little bird boys."_

_"Well, you have fun with that. Unlike you, I'm going to go. Enjoy the table."_

Tony tried visiting a few days later and ended up getting drunk that night.

_"I killed your father. He was driving with a woman and I shot out his tires, made it look like an accident. I orphaned you."_

_Tony hit him twice in the mouth, anger taking over him._

_"That's right. Get it out, Stark. Hit me, come on!"_

_Stark willingly complied and hit the Soldier repeatedly until his mouth was filled with blood._

_"Come on, little boy. Hit me, kill me!"_

_Tony stopped his punch midway and stared at the blond. That was his play all along - get him angry enough to kill him. Instead of death by cop, this was death by Stark. He left immediately after and drowned himself in a bottle of scotch that night_.

Clint's visit ended up being nothing but death threats thrown his way. He didn't care - people have made similar threats to him in the past and he's still here. He understands what it's like to be brainwashed, to have someone else controlling him, which is why he doesn't take anything Steve says personally. Plus, he knows that when Steve is better, the poor bastard is going to feel a shit ton of guilt about saying all this to the team, especially what he said to Bucky.

After returning from a quick trip to Asgard, Thor goes to visit Steve only a week after Clint did.

_"How are you, Steven?"_

_"I'm good, Thor. I feel a lot better."_

_"Do you still wish to die?"_

_"No. I guess the programming wore off. I feel good. Ready to get out of this room."_

_"Steven, I am over a thousand years old. My brother is the God of Mischief. I know that you are lying. I wish you to be honest."_

_"I'm not lying, Thor. Get me out of these cuffs and I'll prove it."_

_"I am sorry, Steven. I cannot do that. I wish you better. The ones who did this to your mind will pay. You have my word as Son of Odin. Hydra will no longer harm you."_

_"Fuck you, Thor. You try to be all mighty and say you'll protect me, but you couldn't even protect your brother."_

_A loud strike of lightning could be heard outside. "That is enough. I care how you speak. You have no right to speak of Loki that way."_

_Thor left Steve angry and writhing on the table._

Bruce intelligently avoided going in to visit Steve. He didn't want to be provoked and accidentally unleash the Hulk on the poor guy. Bucky avoided so much as looking in the direction of Steve. He felt broken and exposed after their last encounter.

Sam was the last one to see Steve in the room.

_"Hey man, how's it going?"_

_Steve only glared at him._

_"That good, huh? Well you look like shit. I brought lunch if you eat that sort of thing."_

_Steve opened his mouth for Sam to feed him, desperately hoping the food was poisoned and would kill him._

_"I can see the wheels turning in your mind. Hate to disappoint, but no poison. We're not gonna hurt ya, man."_

_Steve spit the food out at him. "When I get out, I'm going to break every bone in your body. I'll use your precious wings to cut you open and dissect you."_

_"Sounds like a party. Let me know when and I'll be sure to eat some good food beforehand." With a that, Sam left Steve to stew in his own Hydra filled thoughts._

About four days after Sam visited Steve, Tony, the beautiful genius that he is, figures out how to deprogram Steve. He and Jarivs scoured through every piece of information that was retrieved from that Hydra base and found a clue as to what they did to Steve and what types of words they used.

"I figured it out. I'm a genius and everyone should bow down to me," he announced when walking onto the communal floor.

"Figured what out?"

"Oh you know, just how to deprogram our favorite brainwashed super soldier assassin."

"What? How? Tell me." Bucky was up and alert in an instant, grabbing on to the miracle Tony was throwing his way.

"Jarvis and I scanned through every piece of information we got from Hydra. They destroyed most of the important bits, but they left behind key words and instructions that didn't go to anything else. It was incredibly random and I disregarded them at first, but then one of the words coincides with what Rumlow said to Steve. I'm ninety-five percent sure I have his command list, not to mention the user guide for him."

"You're a fuckin' genius, Stark. Does it say how to deprogram him?"

"That's where it's a little tricky. To get the programming started, they kind of imprinted on him."

"Imprinted? Like a baby duck?"

"Yeah… We need to find a way to delete that imprint and get him back to his baseline setting."

"He's not a computer," he growls. Bucky knows Tony means well, but sometimes he wishes he had a better filter.

"I know. This is how it reads though. It's how I have to think of it."

Bucky's shoulders slump and hangs his head. "I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just want to help him."

"We will," Natasha assures him.

"Jesus fuck, Romanoff, make some noise next time. I'll sue you if you give me a heart attack."

"Whatever. We need to make a plan, how are we going to use this to deprogram Steve. The sooner the better. His mind is getting worse the longer he can't complete his mission. He'll snap soon if we don't stop him."

"Let's go then."

\--

After three days of careful planning and hypothesizing, the team has their plan to deprogram Steve. The methods are a bit too 'A Clockwork Orange' for Bucky's taste at times, but they do help. It takes three weeks before the programming is completely gone from Steve's mind. Natasha even tests each of the commands on the list they found and is thrilled when Steve doesn't respond to any of them. Steve is thankfully cleared to leave the room that has been deemed his space for the past month.

He might be cleared to leave the room, but Steve stays exactly where he is. He hasn't left the Hulk's playroom in three days. He just sits there and stares at the walls, occasionally looks at the door as if contemplating leaving.

On the forth day, Steve musters up enough courage to peak his head out of the room and roam the hallways. If he hears any of the others approaching, he ducks back into the room to hide. He doesn't want to see them, too embarrassed for some odd reason. He doesn't understand why he feels ashamed - he doesn't know them that well and shouldn't feel bad for what he said or did to them. After all, they did technically hold him prisoner for a month.

Each day Steve becomes bolder and more explorative in his journey through the tower. He mostly avoids anything living out of fear of being punished. He is exploring a lower level floor when he comes across the gym.

_I know this place. I've been here… Hurt. Shame. I did wrong… Bucky._

The memories of the last two month come crashing back into his consciousness as he grips his head tight and falls to his knees.

"Bucky," he whispers.

"Steve? Steve what's wrong?"

He looks up to see Bucky kneeling down next to him, worry etched across his features. Steve stares at him in terror before bolting back the way he came, ending up in his room. He can hear Bucky call out for him, but his head hurts too much to care about the other man.

That night he curls up into a ball on his bed and cries. He doesn't understand why, but he doesn't care. All he knows is that he needs to do this, and so he does.

\--

The first person Steve actually interacts with is Thor of all people. Steve is roaming around the halls, creating a mental map and remembering each detail in case it were to become important. Just as he rounds the corner, he hears the booming voice of the God speak to him.

"Steven, how are you?"

Steve stares and arranges his body in a forced state of relaxation. He'd rather appear relaxed than show he is preparing for battle if need be.

Thor notices. Of course Thor notices, he is a mighty warrior and God for Valhalla's sake.

"I wish you no harm. I merely wish to know of your state."

Something minutely relaxes in Steve. He doesn't know what it is, but he likes the blond God. He knows the other could realistically hurt him if he so desired, but he doesn't, and that means something to Steve.

"I am… I - I don't know." The flinch is completely involuntary, but it does not go unnoticed by the God.

"That is okay. I will not hurt you for not knowing, and I will not let any other bring harm upon you."

"I am sorry." Each word hurts to say, but somewhere deep within in, he knows he must apologize for what he said.

"I do not understand. For what are you sorry?"

"For what I said to you."

"All is forgiven, Steven. I know you would not have said such things if not programmed to react in such ways. You need not apologize to me for anything. I hold nothing of what you have said or done since you were captured in the forties against you. They were not your words or actions, but those of whomever had you."

Steve eyes him skeptically; not fully believing that Thor could just forgive him like what he did was nothing.

"You are oddly accepting of what I have done. I have murdered troves of people and yet you don't blink an eyelash in disgust. Why?"

"Because it was not you, but Hydra or the room of Red that had you. I blame them, not you. You were used as a weapon, Steven. You had no control or say in what happened. You were a prisoner and it shall not be held against you."

"I, uh… Thanks." Steve isn't sure how to feel exactly, but this interaction makes him like Thor even more so now than he did previously. Not only that, he has begun to build a slight trust in the blond.

"You are more than welcome, Steven. If I can help in any way, please let me know. Have a good day."

Thor leaves Steve standing there as he goes off to do whatever Gods of Thunder do when they are not in battle.

_Thor is an ally. Can be trusted until further notice._

"Sir, Sergeant Barnes is nearing."

"Thank you Jarvis."

Steve hastily retreats back to his room before Bucky is able to find him lingering in the hallways. He still doesn't fully understand why he feels ashamed, but he knows that feeling is strongest with Bucky.

\--

The sound of his stomach grumbling is enough to jar him from the light sleep he was in. As it goes every morning, Steve pops his head out and scans the hallway to make sure the coast is clear before leaving his room.

He rides the elevator to the communal floor, to get to the kitchen. Upon arriving, he spots Clint, Natasha, and Sam eating breakfast at seven in the morning.

"Morning. How are you feeling," Sam asks.

Steve, much like he did with Thor, stares at them while he assesses their threat level at the current moment.

"We're not going to hurt you, Steve. We're just eating breakfast."

"There's extra in there if you're hungry, dude."

Steve glances from Natasha to Clint, eying the sandy blonde with scrutiny. He hurt him.

"I -" he thinks better of saying anything yet. Food first, then apologies.

He glides into the kitchen to find extra scrambled eggs and bacon in the pan. He grabs the pan and eats the food straight from it. He was never given utensils with Hydra, he doesn't need them now. Finishing the food quickly, he sets the pan in the sink - he's seen others do that after food has been cleared - and goes back out to join the others that are still at the table.

"I am sorry."

Natasha looks shocked more than any of them. She wasn't expecting him to apologize, at least not until he had his memories back.

"Mmhmm... You better not have plans to rip my wings off again."

"You pack a mean wallop, but it's all good. I've had worse injuries. No biggie. Just please don't hit me again. Please and thank you."

"Okay," he replies. He looks over at Natasha and notices her attempting to calculate the situation.

"I am sorry to you as well, Паучок." He is hoping the Russian pet name will help ease the situation.

"Forgiven," she says.

As he turns to walk away, he hears Sam call out for him, stopping him in his tracks. Turning around, he sees them all looking at him, and he pointedly raises an eyebrow in question.

"Do you like to read?"

Steve has to think about that for a moment. He is not sure if he likes to read or not. He might have in a past life, but Hydra and the Red Room never let him read unless it was a file for a mission.

"I was just thinking that I could show you the library, ya know, if you wanted."

Steve nods his head in affirmation, and his lips ever so slightly quirk up when he sees Sam's face soften into a smile.

"Great, let's go."

Sam guides him to a cavernous room filled with books upon books upon books. Steve's eyes go wide as he takes in the massive room, turning around in full circle to look at it all.

"If you ever want, feel free to come in here and read, or even just to sit and think. It's one of my favorite rooms."

Steve nods his head at Sam as he walks over, scanning the selection of books in front of him. He gingerly takes one from the shelf and turns it over to read what it is about. The book is "The Martian" and is about a man who is stranded on Mars. He looks back over at Sam and glances between him and the book. Thankfully Sam picks up on his unspoken question.

"You can take it with you if you want. You don't just have to read it here." He might be harboring a few ill wishes against Steve but Sam knows the other man is important to Bucky, so he's trying to help him out. Doesn't mean he still doesn't want to punch the guy every once in a while. He broke Sam's wings - that's not something that is easily forgiven.

Again Steve nods his head in acceptance and clutches the book to his chest as he follows Sam back out of the room. They part ways and Steve heads back to his room - the Hulk's playroom - still not comfortable sleeping on the same floor as Bucky. He spends two hours reading the book before sneaking back to the library and grabbing another. This is how Steve ends up spending his nights.

\--

The only people Steve still wants to apologize to are Tony and Bucky. He feels no need to say anything to Bruce considering they never interacted after the Hydra base. He is still not ready to face Bucky yet, but he is ready for Tony. The only problem is he has to seek out Tony since the genius won't leave his lab.

The doors open and his ears are immediately flooded with loud ACDC music.

_How does he accomplish anything with this noise?_

He walks up behind the man and watches as Tony tinkers with what looks like to be Bucky's arm. He stands there for twenty minutes before the other man turns around and yells in terror.

"CHRIST ON A POPSICLE STICK, ROGERS. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING JUST STANDING THERE LIKE A CREEPER?"

Steve recoils his body away from Tony in fear or being hit. He didn't know it was wrong to watch him. He opens his mouth to apologize but no words come out. He is looking at Tony in fear, uncertain how he will react.

"No, shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. You just scared me is all. I didn't hear you come in and then I turn around and you're there. I shouldn't have yelled. Steve?"

Steve wants nothing more than to go to his knees and receive punishment for upsetting Tony, but he knows he shouldn't. The programming has been deleted, but even the mighty Avengers cannot take away his repeated exposure to abuse and manipulation.

"Steve, hey, buddy, look at me. I need you to focus, okay? Don't go to the evil, dark place. That's right, focus on me. You're okay. You're in my tower, it's 2016, you're safe."

Taking a deep breath in, holding it for ten seconds, and then releasing it, Steve looks at Tony. The man looks panicked but is keeping it together on the outside.

"I'm fine."

"Thank God. That could have been a disaster. So, what's up? What brought you down here?"

"My legs and the elevator."

"I legitimately cannot tell if you are joking or not. Jarvis, did he make a joke? Did you make a joke?"

"Not that I know of."

"Right, well, okay. Did you need something?"

"I, um, I wanted to… apologize. For what I said to you." God, every time he does this he feels like a scolded school boy.

"What did you - oh. That… Right, well, um, no harm no foul. It's behind me. Already forgotten about."

"You're lying."

"Yes, but don't blame me. I'm emotionally stunted, according to people. Hide my feelings and all."

"Don't ever lie to me," Steve says, his voice cold and dejected. Turning on his foot, he stomps out of the lab, leaving Tony looking confused by what just happened.

Steve has been lied to enough in his life; he doesn't need anyone else lying to him. He needs the truth, and there are only a few people in this tower he trusts enough to be honest with him. One of those people he still has yet to talk to.

Deciding he had enough human interaction today, Steve goes back to his room to read the pile of books he has stored beside his bed. He can wait another day to speak with Bucky.

\--

Steve planned on speaking with Bucky today, but his brain has a different plan for him. Ever since working through his programming, he has slowly been regaining his memories. Each time he remembers something new, his head feels like it is being split in two. Today happens to be remembrance overload day for Steve. He has not left the confines of his room and has not moved from his bed for hours.

Another memory crashes through as he grunts in pain from it. Today's memories are of his past killings - everything he's ever done for the Red Room and Hydra. He remembers as far back as 1960, but nothing really beforehand. He'll intermittently have glimpses of a small, sickly blond haired kid with a guy who looks like Bucky. From what he knows, that small kid is him from another life, before Hydra, before the war.

It hurts to remember, so Steve spends the whole week curled up on his bed, fighting through the pain as he remembers more about himself.

\--

The onset of memories has ceased for now and Steve takes the opportunity to leave his room for the time being. He doesn't remember everything, but he knows the last memory he had is an extremely important one. He needs to find Bucky.

"Jarvis, where is Bucky currently at?"

"Sergeant Barnes is currently on the communal floor. Shall I alert him you are coming?"

"Uh, yeah, sure. I need to talk to him."

"Of course." There is a brief silence before the AI speaks again. "I've informed him and he is awaiting your arrival."

"Thanks."

"You are welcome."

Steve rides the elevator up to the communal floor. His nerves are getting the better of him as he paces in the elevator and twiddles his thumbs. When the doors open, the only person in the room is Bucky. He cautiously walks over to where Bucky is sitting on the couch looking at him.

For a  few moments, they both stare at each other. Neither knows what to say out of fear of hurting the other. Finally Steve breaks the silence.

"I'm sorry."

Bucky shakes his head in confusion. "Sorry? Sorry for what? I'm the one who should be apologizin'."

"I hurt you. I am sorry." Steve knows he should probably elaborate on what time he specifically hurt Bucky, but he figures this is an all encompassing apology.

"Steve, it's okay. I mean it's not okay, but I forgive you. I'm sorry."

"I do not understand."

"Steve, I'm sorry for keeping you down there. I'm sorry for letting you come with us to that stupid Hydra base. I'm sorry I ever let Rumlow near you, and I'm sorry for breaking your arm. I'm sorry I couldn't help you."

Bucky can't help but shed a couple of tears as he apologizes to Steve for everything that has happened to him.

"You do not need to be sorry. And going to that base was my choice, not yours. There wasn't a damn thing you could have done to stop me." He didn't realize his hands were shaking until he caught Bucky glimpse down at them.

Taking in deep breaths, he gets his breathing under control.

"I am sorry. I said hurtful words to you. I knew what would cut the deepest and I went for it. You should hate me."

"Oh Stevie, I could never hate you. And yeah, what you said hurt worse than any punch, but it wasn't really you. You were scared, and rightfully so, and still under orders to kill yourself. I know you had to do anything you could to complete your mission."

"Okay," he says for lack of anything better to say.

"Okay," Bucky repeats. He wishes he could push aside his emotions like Steve.

"I've been remembering."

Bucky's face lights up. "That's great, Steve!"

"If you say so." He manages to keep his face neutral, not wanting Bucky to know everything that he's remembered thus far has been death and torture.

Before Bucky can reply, Steve asks, "What happened to your arm?"

"I, uh, wait, what?"

"Your arm. What happened to it? I don't remember it being metal before…"

"Oh. It happened in a plane crash shortly after you… I thought you were gone. I crashed a plane carrying nukes that Johan Schmidt was planning to use on the U.S. The crash apparently severed my arm, but the cold arctic waters froze it and pretty much prevented it from getting infected. I wake seventy years later to a missing arm and a whole new century. Stark made me the metal arm. He repairs and updates it when needed."

"Why did you crash the plane," he accuses.

"Excuse me?"

"There had to have been another way to land it without crashing. Why did you crash it?"

"I tell you all that and you focus on me crashing a plane. Okay… Well Mr. Smarty Pants, I didn't think I had any other options. The plane had a nice hole in it anyways from that fucking cube and it was going to go down regardless. I did what I thought I had to."

Steve can see right through him. "You're lying. Maybe not fully, but you're not telling the whole truth."

"Because the truth hurts, Steve! I thought you were dead. I thought we were finally going to be reunited, and then I wake up to a new century, new people, new everything. And you were still gone. It didn't work. Is that what you want to hear?"

"You crashed it on purpose."

"Yes, you big lug. I couldn't live without you." _I still can't_.

"I remember."

This whiplash of a conversation is going to be the death of Bucky. Sighing, he asks, "Remember what?"

"They showed me a newspaper. I didn't believe them. Then they made me listen to the radio, and it confirmed what the newspaper wrote."

"What newspaper? What do you remember? I'm not following, Steve."

"You."

"Me? What about me, Steve?" The conversation gets more and more confusing as it goes on.

"I told them you were coming for me. They laughed. I told them for days that you were coming for me, and each day they laughed. Finally they showed me the newspaper. It said Captain America died in a plane crash. They told me it was you. I didn't believe them and they had me listen to the radio. It echoed the newspaper. You weren't coming. That was the day Steve Rogers died."

Bucky broke out in tears, the guilt of not being able to save Steve hitting him all over again. He could have saved him, he could have searched for him and brought him home. But no, he thought his best friend was dead. He left Steve with false hope, and when they took that from him, it killed him. He killed his best friend.

"Steve… I'm s', so sorry… I didn't know. I swear I thought you were dead. I should have searched for you. I should have saved you. I'm so sorry. Oh God, Stevie. I did this to you. This is all because of me. I - I."

"I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm sorry, Bucky. I shouldn't have told you that. I hurt you again. I keep hurting you." Steve meant what he said to be comforting, to let Bucky know that his Steve couldn't live without him too, but Bucky misunderstood the intention and  now he's crying.

"No, Stevie," he says in between sobs, "you didn't hurt me. This is all my fault. I should have caught you on the train. I should have been the one to fall. I'm so sorry. I don't deserve it, but please forgive me. I've missed you." He dropped to floor and brought his knees up to his chest, his arms wrapping around them, making him into a small ball.

Steve doesn't know or remember much about genuine human interaction, but he knows enough to get down on the ground behind Bucky and wrap his arms around the other man. He remembers that this is comforting to people.

"It's okay, Bucky. Please do not cry. I did not mean to upset you. You didn't do this to me. Hydra did. It's okay."

"Oh God, Stevie, I'm so sorry. Pl - please…"

"You did nothing wrong, Buck. I'm sorry I put you through this."

"No," he states, turning around in Steve's arms to face him. "You didn't do anything. None of this is your fault Steve."

"Shh. You're upset and sad. It's okay. It is my fault, but we can discuss that later. Let's get you to bed. That helps right? Sleeping?"

"Steve," he whines. Bucky flat out whines in Steve's arms as he clings to his friend for dear life.

"I'm going to pick you up now. Hold on." Steve scoops Bucky up and manages to gracefully stand, despite carrying a person in his arms. "I am taking you to your bed." He doesn't quite understand it, but doing this - helping Bucky - seems like second nature to Steve.

Bucky burrows his face into Steve's shoulder, ashamed of himself for not being the strong one here. It should be the other way around - he should be helping Steve, not Steve helping him. He cries into Steve's shoulder the entire way to his room.

When they get there, Steve sits on the bed and deposits Bucky in front of him. He continues to hold Bucky in his arms as the smaller man falls asleep crying and murmuring his apologies.

\--

The next morning Bucky wakes to the feeling of being surrounded by an oven. He is overheated, but it feels nice. He leans up but is immediately pulled back down. Disoriented, he looks down to see arms wrapped around his stomach. His gaze follows the arms back to their owner and sees Steve looking at him with an indecipherable look.

"What, what happened?"

"You fell asleep."

Bucky idly wonders if Steve is purposefully being obtuse or if he is genuinely like this now.

"How did we get in my - oh."

The memory of last night comes crashing down on him. _Steve. Steve told me he was sorry. He  thought I would save him. He told me when he died…_

"Oh my God, Stevie, I'm so sorry. I -"

"Stop. You are going to work yourself up if you continue. You have no reason to be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. I … am sorry."

"No, no, no, you have nothing to be sorry for, Stevie. I should have searched for you, I should have rescued you. Hydra did this to you because I wasn't there."

"They did this to me because they are sick bastards who want world domination and call it peace. They did this, not you. You didn't force me to kill all those people. You didn't torture me or take everything of who I was and turn it into something evil, something dark. You didn't break me. Hydra did."

Bucky stares at him, unable to form sentences or even get his tongue to move. He knows Steve is giving him the summary and skipping all of the details for now, but it still hurts knowing everything that has happened to him. He's not wrong though - Hydra took the goodness and bravery inside Steve, twistomg it to fit their own morals. He will never forgive them for that.

"I'm sorry, Steve."

"Stop apologizing. It's annoyingly repetitive."

"Okay." _I'll never stop being sorry Steve_.

The silence hung between them as Steve continued to hold Bucky in his arms, afraid to let go.

"Hey, Steve?," Bucky asks, lifting his head up to look his friend in the eyes. Steve's face is neutral, but there is something that could mimic a small flicker of hope in his eyes. "How much do you, uh, how much do you remember?"

Steve stared back at Bucky for a minute, almost not wanting to tell him how little he remembers. He knows Bucky wants his old friend back, but that's not who he is anymore.

Bucky is about to take back the question and apologize for asking, but Steve pipes up.

"I remember the murders and the torture. I know what I did to people and what Hydra and the Red Room did to me. I remember Natasha. She was young back then, just a girl. I do not remember anything prior to Hydra having me."

Bucky is unsure of what to say, so he doesn't say anything at all.

"I get glimpses of a small blonde boy, but nothing concrete. You are there sometimes as well, or, at least I think it is you. It looks like you. They're not really memories, more like pictures. They don't last very long. It hurts."

His head snaps up, eyes roaming over Steve's body searching for any injury. "What hurts? Steve, what hurts?"

"The memories."

Bucky stops dead in his search, knowing that he cannot see the pain Steve is describing.

"Each time a memory comes back to me, it hurts. My head feels like it is going to split into two. Some days I do not want to remember."

"Oh, Steve, I wish I could make your pain go away. You don't deserve this. It should have been me. They had me first, before your dumb ass came to rescue me. And then they got you. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Bucky. I saw the Smithsonian exhibit, I know it's not your fault."

 _Yes it is_ , Bucky thinks.

Steve unwraps his arms from around Bucky's chest, pulling them back into his lap and staring down at them. This is part he is not looking forward to.

"Bucky, look at me. There you go. I need you to know that I'm not him. I can't ever be the Steve Rogers you knew before. Never again. I've done horrible things, I've killed so many people. I'm not the same person you remember. I don't even remember the person you do. I'm not him, and I never will be. I need you to know that."

Bucky's eyes fill with tears at hearing those words leave Steve's mouth. They echo what he's known all along. Bucky knows that Steve is not the same person. Hell, he's not the same person he was before the war either. Everything has changed for them. Well, everything but one truth has changed - Bucky Barnes loves Steve Rogers with all his heart and will do anything to protect him. That is one aspect of Bucky's life that will never change. He's with Steve 'til the end of the line.

"I know, Steve… I - I don't want you to, ugh… I know you aren't the same, but neither am I. We've both been through so much shit in our lives that I don't know how either of us could ever go back to who we were before the war. I don't need you to be him. I loved the old Steve, but I also lo -"

Steve watches as Bucky has an internal battle with himself.

"I _love_ the new you just as much, Steve. I know we can't ever go back, we can't ever be the people we were. That's okay though, because I love you and I want to be with _you_. Not the old you or the version of you that Hydra forced you to be, but this you. I'll take you any way I can, Stevie. You're my best guy, and I'm with you 'til the end of the line, remember?"

Nodding his head, Steve whispers, "I remember."

"I'm always here for you, Steve, no matter what. I would start a war for you. I love you and I want to be with you any way you'll let me."

"How, how did we used to be," he asks, stumbling over his words.

"What?"

"You said you want me any way you can have me. How did we used to be?"

The reality of those words crash over Bucky. Of course Steve doesn't know. The man doesn't remember anything prior to Hydra. _Shit_.

"Oh, um, well…" God he's such an idiot. "I, um, I want to be with you."

"You're not answering my question." Steve shifts forward, forcing Bucky to lay down on  the bed as Steve looms over him. The brunet is trapped under the weight of one Steve Rogers. He's not going anywhere.

"Steve, what are you doing?"

"Answer my question and don't lie to me. I'm sick of everyone lying to me. What were we before?"

Bucky is practically squirming under Steve's glare. It's now or never he supposes.

"We were together." He's hoping that will satisfy Steve's need to know.

"In what way?"

"God, Steve, in every way. We were best friends ever since grade school. When we were older I finally mustered up the courage to kiss you. You socked me in the jaw and then kissed me back. Our moms used to say that we were destined to be together, that fate had something special planned for us."

"So we had sex?"

"Jesus, Steve." This is not the conversation he thought he would be having this morning. Nowhere near it. "Yes, we had sex."

Steve leaned forward and kissed Bucky. The brunet's lips are warm and plush against his, they are tender and loving where Steve's are harsh and demanding.

When his body catches up to his brain, Bucky pushes Steve back to break the kiss.

"Steve, wait," he says as Steve goes in for another kiss.

"What? Did I do it wrong?"

"What? No, you didn't kiss wrong. I don't even know if there is a way to kiss wrong. I just, I don't wanna force you into nothin' you're not ready for s'all. You don't have to do this out of some weird, misplaced obligation. If you don't want this kind of relationship, it's fine. I won't be mad. I ain't lyin' when I said I'll have you any way you'll let me. If you just wanna be friends, we can be friends. If you want, we can do more."

Bucky doesn’t know what he did to deserve the man straddling him.

"I want…" Steve stops to think about the fact he is allowed to want something now. Hydra never let him want anything. They stripped him bare and put their own wants in him. Now that he is free, he can want for anything in the world. Right now, all he wants is the man under him.

"You. I want you," he says, punctuating his words by rolling his hips down on Bucky.

"Oh God, Steve." Bucky is instantly turned on - Steve feels so good above him. But he doesn't want to rush this. He can't rush it. He would kill himself if he messed this up with Steve because he wanted to come like a damn teenager.

"Steve, Stevie, slow down. We need to talk about this. I don't wanna rush anythin', 'kay?"

"What if I want it," he asks, rolling his hips again.

"Oh Steve, feels so, s' good." His brain malfunctions as Steve continues to undulate his hips over Bucky's hardening erection.

"Wait, wait, Steve. No."

Steve immediately stops and pushes himself off of Bucky like he got burnt. "I'm sorry," he says with panic in his eyes.

"No, you're fine, Steve. You did nothin' wrong. I just wanna take it slow, don't wanna rush us into anything. We have all the time in the world. We should -" he never thought he would have to say this, but here it goes. "We should get to know each other, the new us. You don't even have half of your memories back, yet."

"I might never have them back," he growls, slowly becoming irritated that Bucky brought it up.

Bucky winces, knowing it is a real possibility Steve may never regain all of his memories. "I know. Doesn't change the fact that we should take it slow, okay?"

"Fine."

"Kissing and touching are fine though. We can do that," he says, hoping Steve will accept it.

"Fine," he answers, leaning forward and placing another kiss on Bucky's lips.

They stay like that for another two minutes, slowly kissing and learning the ways around the other's mouth.

Surprisingly, Steve is the first to pull away this time.

"I'm going to go. Good talk." He gets off of Bucky and the bed without ever breaking eye contact. "See you around."

"Uh, okay," he says lamely.

Steve stares at him for one last moment before leaving the room.

Bucky huffs out a breath he didn't realize he was holding until now. He lays there thinking about what his life has become and hoping he doesn't ruin whatever him and Steve are now.

Groaning, Bucky carefully sits up on the bed and glances down at his erection through his jeans.

"Cold shower it is," he says to himself as he makes his way to the bathroom.

\--

Steve and Bucky take their relationship slow. Bucky does his best to ignore pointed looks and jokes from his teammates, while no one even dares to tease Steve out of fear of losing a limb. Clint muttered a joke under his breath one time, completely forgetting Steve has super hearing, causing the soldier to crush the glass in his hand and glare at a quickly fleeing Clint. That was the last time anyone teased Steve about it.

Bucky has done nothing more than kiss and gently touch Steve over the past month. They sleep on the same floor now, and sometimes even in the same bed (mainly when one has a crippling nightmare and needs that physical comfort). It kills him remain abstinent, but he knows he's doing the right thing by taking it slow. He only wishes his dick would get with the program too.

Steve on the other hand wants more, but is doing his best to respect Bucky's wishes. Steve has had more than enough of making people do things against their will, that he can control himself until Bucky is ready. If it were up to Steve, they would have sex. That is one thing the Red Room pounded (pun intended) into him - how to be good at sex. He used to be Hydra's whore, and Bucky knows this, which is why Steve thinks it is understandable that Bucky wants to go slow and not force him into anything.

Steve has roughly seventy-five percent of his memories back. The memories from before Hydra come in jumbled and out of order. Sometimes he is a small, skinny kid, and other times he's bulky like he is now. It is confusing for him, but he has Bucky. Each time he remembers something he tells Bucky, when Steve doesn't quite understand it, or can't remember all of the pieces, Bucky will help fill in the gaps.

Bucky is giddy that Steve is slowly remembering himself, and gaining back the traits that Hydra forced into the recessed of his conscious. Bucky notices that Steve smiles more, even if half the time it is a forced smile. He knows Steve is trying, and that's what is important. This is not to say that Steve doesn't have his bad days, or days where he just wants to be alone to feel guilty about everything that he's done. On those days, Bucky makes sure he cuddles up with Steve at night, holding him in his arms until they fall asleep.

Steve has become more comfortable with the team as well. He still doesn't speak very often, but when he does he makes it count. The team has gotten used to this and have become proficient in reading his body language to better judge what type of mood he is in. Bucky and Nat are the best at this, but only because they've known him for so long.

Steve has started joining Bucky and Sam on their morning (and sometime afternoon) runs, even though Bucky hates running for fun. Sam thinks it's hilarious watching a super soldier run when he doesn't want to, and he made sure to let Steve know to bask in the laughter (which let's face it, Steve doesn't laugh but he will crack an occasional smirk). Sam quickly learned his mistake in letting Steve run with them because evidentally, the original super soldier can outrun them both and still have energy left in the tank.

The three of them run the streets of New York, always with disguises on. Each time Bucky laps Sam, Steve hears him say, "on your left," so he thinks it's normal to say that as you pass someone. Steve picks up his pace and passes Bucky and mutters, "on your left." Sam bursts out laughing and almost trips over himself in the process. Bucky looks like he is caught between laughing and astonishment. Poor Steve doesn't understand, so he keeps running and each time he passes his fellow team members, he breathes out, "on your left." Sam could not be more grateful to finally have someone who can outrun Bucky and put him in his place.

When they return to the tower, Steve assesses the shape the other two are in. Sam and Bucky are drenched in sweat, mostly from trying to keep up with Steve. As he passes them to get to the elevator, Steve mutters something about them never being able to survive the training with such poor stamina. Bucky and Sam stare on dumbfound as Steve brushes past them.

Steve takes the elevator to the gym to meet Natasha for their daily sparring session. The two of them realized Steve will always have the need to fight - he did when he was little and he still does now. Thankfully Natasha will spar with him to work out some frustration or even to burn off some extra energy. They take their positions on the mat once each is ready.

"Remember to tell me if you start to feel like him again, understand?"

"Yes." This is the deal they have - if Steve starts to feel like the Winter Soldier is taking over, he has to immediately tell Natasha during their spars and they stop. It happened twice and Steve almost ended up crushing Natasha's throat. That is when she decide to safety plan and put contingencies in place for their sessions.

Without any warning, Natasha attacks and Steve barely manages to dodge out of the way. Natasha quickly follows with a kick to his stomach, setting the tone for their session. They are both highly skilled fighters and match each other blow for blow. It is tougher for Steve because he has to hold back his full strength, not wanting to permanently damage or even kill her. And Natasha of course knows this and uses it to her advantage. After an hour of intense sparring, Steve is the one to call it quits.

"Nat, stop."

Natasha immediately releases her hold on his arm. "What is it?"

"I need to stop. I can feel him…"

"Okay," she says, moving closer to put a hand on his back, rubbing small comforting circles. "Do you know what triggered it?"

"I think it was the arm. For a second my mind went back to what they did to me, and I was afraid I was going to be him again."

"Oh, Steve, we won't ever let that happen. You're safe now, okay?" She waits for him to nod before speaking again. "I think Bruce is still here if you want to go see him. God knows that man is always up for meditation."

"Okay. Thank you, Natasha."

"Anytime, Steve."

The two part ways and Steve sets out to find Bruce, who is most likely in his lab still working on some scientific project that Steve doesn't really care about. Steve finds Bruce looking at the biochemical makeup of two distinctive individuals - himself and Bucky.

"What are you looking at," he asks in the way of announcing himself.

The smaller man jumps, turning around to face Steve, clearly not expecting anyone in his lab. "Um, I was just looking at the difference between -"

"Between me and Bucky," he finishes the scientist's sentence, raising a perfectly arched eyebrow at him. Steve hates being examined like this, it makes him feel less than human. It makes him feel like he did with Hydra.

"It's not like that. I was just looking at how the serum affected you versus how it affected Bucky.  That's all."

"Different serums, different effects. Do you want to meditate?"

"Um, sure. Let me just save this and shut it down."

"No." Steve looks angry, not a good combination when coupled with Banner, especially since Steve had been triggered earlier. "No more examining and experimenting with me and Bucky We're not parts in your lab to play with. No more."

"Okay," Bruce said with a calm voice, hands raised in surrender. "I'll erase all of this, okay? Please keep calm. We'll go meditate, just give me a second to delete this." Bruce turns around and makes it clear to Steve that he is deleting what he has on him and Bucky. He only wanted to examine the differences to create something that would help them heal faster if they were ever hurt in battle. Bruce wasn't there during Bucky's recovery after D.C., but he's here now and he wants to help.

"Okay, it's done, no more. You said you wanted to meditate?"

"Yes. I can feel him." Steve is worried that he'll revert back to the Winter Soldier, and it shows on his face judging by the look Bruce is giving him.

"Alright, let's go."

Bruce leads them to their normal meditating room, and they each take a seat on the ground. Whenever Steve feels triggered or has a bad nightmare, he usually finds Bruce as soon as possible to help clear his head. If there is anyone who knows control, it is definitely Bruce. They go through their metal exercises while also performing yoga positions. It is meant to relax the body, mind, and soul. Steve can feel himself becoming lighter, less like the Winter Soldier, and it brings a small smile to his face. Ever since they deprogrammed him, Steve feels victorious every time he stays in control when all his body and mind wants to do is revert back. Today is definitely one of those days.

"Thank you, Bruce. I needed this," he says as the two gather their things to leave.

"You're welcome. Even when I'm not around you can still come here and do this. Jarvis has the instructions and he can work through it with you."

"Thanks."

Bruce gives him a small smile before heading back to the lab, promising to not go through their biochemistry again without their consent.

Steve is left not knowing where to go from here. He already went for a run, he sparred with Natasha and meditated with Bruce. Some days he'll go to the shooting range with Clint and the two typically make it into some kind of competition, but Clint is not there today and Steve really doesn't want to be around weapons anyways (well, the Winter Soldier does, but he does not). Sometimes Steve will wander around Tony's lab and listen to the man ramble on and on about anything and everything, but Steve has had his fill of labs today. Thor is off-world, doing whatever a God does when he's not on Earth bumming it with mere mortals. Steve has come to appreciate Thor and his friendship; he is the only one who can keep up with him in the ring, and he doesn't have to hold back with Thor. It's freeing when the two spar - Steve can let loose in a way that he cannot with any of the other team members.

Steve knows he can always to go Bucky to talk or hang out, but he feels like he would be a damper on Bucky's good day today, so he decides on the library. Ever since Sam showed it to him, the library has been one of Steve's favorite hiding places. No one other than Sam really goes there, and the two rarely ever bump into each other. The library has become Steve's safe haven, in a way. Not to mention, the library has this one window providing an excellent view of the city and has amazing lighting that Steve utilizes to draw (he's picked it back up on the days when he really feels like Steve Rogers).

As a joke, Tony suggested that Steve read the 'Fifty Shades of Grey' series and the 'Beautiful Bastard' series. Not knowing what they are, Steve chooses the first Fifty Shades book and settles down in a comfy position in his favorite spot. He opens the book and begins reading. After the first five chapters, he knows what kind of book this is, but joke is on Tony because Steve remembers him and Bucky having a similar sex life (minus the creepy stalking part). He remembers Bucky holding his slim wrists down on the mattress while working him open, begging for release but not allowed to come until Bucky said so. He remembers Bucky being gentle with him afterwards, always giving him love and care and making sure Steve was warm. He liked that part, liked the feeling of being loved and protected. He's different now though. Steve knows he can't be his old self, can't be submissive like he used to. It's too similar to his time with Hydra and the Red Room. If he and Bucky were to do anything like that, even non-kinky sex, Steve thinks he would have to be in charge.

With a  new mission in mind, Steve closes the book and puts it back where he found it. He needs to talk to Bucky. It's been long enough and Steve wants the other man, wants to make love to him.

"Jarvis, where is Bucky?"

"Sergeant Barnes is on your floor in the kitchen. He is making a grilled cheese sandwich."

"Thanks."

Steve takes the elevator to their shared floor and finds Bucky exactly where Jarvis said he would.

"Hey, Steve. Want a grilled cheese?"

"Sure." Steve hasn't eaten since breakfast and he knows it upsets Bucky when he skips a meal so a sandwich it is.

"What's up? How was Natasha?"

"Fine. I went to Bruce after, then the library."

Bucky mentally flinches. He knows Steve only goes to Bruce after Natasha if he was triggered or feeling upset.

"Read anything good," purposefully not asking about Steve's trip to Bruce. Bucky knows Steve will tell him about it when he's ready.

"Sort of."

"Sort of? What did you read that was sort of interesting?"

"A book Tony suggested. I think he meant it to be a joke. It doesn't matter. I want to make love to you."

It is a miracle that Bucky doesn't drop the skillet in his hands. "What," he asks dumbfounded.

"I said I want to make love to you. Have sex."

"Oh, well, um, that wasn't what I was expecting… Uh, anything in particular get you in the mood?"

"The book. You know, I've wanted this for a while, Buck. I want it, but do you? I don't want to pressure you or force you into it." He looks disgusted with himself at that last part, remembering what Hydra did to him and what he did to Bucky a couple months ago.

"Hey, no, Steve, look at me. There ya go, buddy, you're okay. I do want this, and I'm ready. I know we've been taking it slow, but God do I want you."

Steve surges forward and slams his lips to Bucky's, the kiss is fast and rough. As if remembering what he thought about earlier, Steve pulls away and looks Bucky directly in the eyes.

"Before we do this, we need to talk."

"O-okay…" Bucky thinks he is honestly going to get whiplash one of these days with how quickly Steve can change.

"You know I'm not who I used to be, and you're not who you used to be."

"Right...?"

"It can't be like before… I can't be like that."

"Like what, Stevie?"

A warm feeling swells inside him every time he hears Bucky call him that. He loves that nickname and wants Bucky to call him that every day.

"I can't be submissive… I just can't. It's too much like what they did to me. If we do that, I, I would have to be in charge. At least for a while. Maybe we can try switching later, but I can't now…"

This time it is Bucky who surges forward and throws his arms around Steve in a bone crushing hug.

"Oh, Stevie, that's okay. We do this however you want. I want this to be good for you, and if that means you gotta take the reigns, then so be it. Doesn't bother me one bit. I told you, I want you any way you'll let me. I love sex. Don't care if I'm top or bottom, as long as I'm with you."

"Bedroom. Now." Steve tugs Bucky with him, quickly making it to Bucky's bedroom. Once inside, Steve looks at Bucky like he wants to ask a question, but is unsure if he's allowed or not. "Can I… Can I undress you?"

Bucky melts into a warm, fond smile, so proud of how far Steve has come. "Course you can, Steve." Bucky is calm and relaxed as Steve walks over to him, eyeing up which part of Bucky he wants to undress first.

Steve reaches Bucky and plants a small, soft kiss on his lips while his hands move around Bucky's waistline where his shirt ends. He kisses Bucky until the the shirt reaches his face, and Steve makes quick work of taking it off the rest of the way. Steve roams his hands up and down Bucky's torso, remembering each line and curve like it is the only thing in the world he ever needs to know, still peppering the other man with small passion filled kisses.

After a satisfactory sweep of his upper body, Steve moves his hands down to Bucky's waist where his jeans are snug against his body. Breaking away from the kiss, Steve kneels on the ground in front of him, quickly undoing the button and zipper of Bucky's jeans and tugging them, along with his boxers, down to his ankles. Bucky obliges the request and steps out of the clothes, kicking them as far away as possible.

Steve licks his lips at the sight of Bucky's hard cock, shooting a smirk up at the other man before wrapping his lips around the tip and gently sucking. Hearing the gasp from the brunet, Steve takes all of Bucky in his mouth, working him up and down while swiveling his tongue around it's girth.

"Ah, oh God, Steve. Keep that up and I'm gonna come, buddy. Oh God, that feels so good, you feel so good, Steve."

Steve, the little tease that he is, drops Bucky from his mouth and plants the slightest flickering kiss to the tip before standing up and shoving the other man on the bed.

"I'm going to kiss every inch of you and I want your hands on me the whole time. Then I'm going to open you up with my tongue and fingers, and then I am going to make love to you."

"Yes, fuck Steve, yes. All of it, please."

"Good," he says, leaning in to kiss Bucky's red, plush lips.

Steve does exactly as he promised. He starts with Bucky's face, kissing and nipping at his jaw before working his way down to the throat. That is Steve's favorite area to leave love bites, on the throat and collarbone where they are visible to anyone. Next he moves over to his shoulders, making sure to place extra small kisses to the slight scaring around Bucky's left shoulder where his metal arm meets flesh. Moving down the torso, Steve takes Bucky's nipples in his mouth, sucking on them before slightly biting and releasing them.

All the while Bucky is roaming his hands all over Steve's perfectly shaped body. It amazes Bucky that none of what Hydra did to him can be visibly seen. All of the scars and marks are gone as if they were never there. Bucky knows better, which is why he gently caresses every inch of Steve while the blond is kissing every inch of Bucky.

Steve gets to the spot on Bucky's stomach where he shot him all those months ago on the helicarrier. "I'm sorry," he says in between kissing the spot, feeling guilty for having shot his best friend.

"Hey, no, it's okay Steve. That wasn't you. That was Hydra. It's okay."

Steve makes a point to press extra kisses and murmured apologies to each place he knows he's hurt Bucky. Each time Bucky assures him it's okay and he's still here with Steve, but Steve will always feel guilty for hurting the one person in the world he never wanted to see harm come to.

Steve makes sure to pepper kisses on Bucky's dick and lick from the base to the tip, hearing the other man gasp and moan. "Mmm, I love it when you make noises. One of these days I'm going to fuck you so hard you're going to scream until you have no voice left."

"Oh God, Stevie. Please, I need you. Please, please, please."

"Shhh, not tonight. Tonight is about going slow and making love. We're going to take our time, okay?"

"'Kay, whatever you say, Stevie." Bucky is panting and sweating and Steve hasn't even done anything other than kiss him.

Steve smiles when Bucky groans in protest to him moving off the bed to grab the lube from Bucky's nightstand. "It's okay, I'm here Bucky. I'm right here," he says as he climbs onto the bed, positioning Bucky exactly how he wants him. "Let me know if it's too much or you need me to slow down, okay?"

"Kay." His voice shaky and weak from the buildup to this moment. He's already half wrecked and Steve hasn't even gotten to the main part.

"Okay," he says, placing one more swift kiss to Bucky's lips before sliding down with his face in between the other man's legs.

Just as he promised, Steve opens Bucky up with his tongue, slowly sliding it in, licking all around to get him loose. Each time Bucky moans, Steve nips at his entrance before sucking the same spot, making Bucky tender and needy. It is ten minutes before Steve adds his first finger, pushing in slow and easy. Desperate for me, Bucky urges him on, trying to move his hips back into Steve's hand.

Steve allows all the movement but goes at his own pace, adding a second and third finger to Bucky to open him even further. By the time he's finished, Bucky is begging for Steve to get in him, begging to feel Steve inside opening him up. Like a good boy, Steve obliges. He lines himself up and slowly presses in, relishing each gasp and moan that escapes Bucky's mouth.

The room is silent except for their hard breathing, soft moans, and gasps. Each man is one hundred percent focused on the other and nothing else matters to them. This is their first time since the nineteen-forties they get to be with each other, hold each other, and express their love for one another. This moment is way past seventy years overdue.

I love you's are said as Steve brings Bucky to climax before Steve comes inside Bucky. Their harsh panting is the only sound that is heard as each man regains his baring.

"That was perfect, Stevie."

"You're perfect, Bucky. Thank you."

"No need to thank me, pal. We can do that anytime."

"I meant what I said. I do love you. I know I'm not the same and I might never fully be one-hundred percent, but I know that I love you and trust you. You'll always be home for me."

Bucky didn't realize he was crying until Steve wrapped his arms around him and held him through it.

"It's okay, Bucky. I'm here. I've got you. I love you."

"I love… you too… Stevie," he says in between sobs. Bucky hasn't cried like this since Steve came back from that Hydra base in upstate New York. It feels like a weight has been lifted and Bucky can finally tell Steve exactly how he feels, knowing the other man feels the same way.

"I think I've loved you ever since you punched Patrick O'Donnell in the face on the playground when he was picking on me."

"Oh God, I remember that. You were so small and full of rage with a need for justice. He was only pickin' on ya cause ya stuck your nose out when some other poor sap was gettin' picked on. I think I loved you at that moment, as soon as I saw this scrawny little thing put his fists up to the biggest kid in class. You were a punk then and still a punk now."

"Jerk."

"Steve, will you do me a favor?"

"Sure. What is it?"

"Will you stay here with me tonight?"

"Of course I will, Bucky. Anything. Let me clean you up first." Steve quickly runs to the bathroom for a warm wash cloth and returns within seconds to wipe Bucky down. After they're both clean enough for Steve, he discards the cloth and gets back under the blankets with Bucky.

Bucky snuggles up against Steve, his head resting above Steve's heart as the sound of his heartbeat lulls him to sleep. Steve wraps his arms around Bucky's waist and tangles their legs together, holding him close like he never wants to let go, and falls asleep to the sound of Bucky's quiet snoring.

\--

Bucky wakes up feeling like an inferno. _Fuck, why am I on fire_? Feeling strong arms wrapped around him, Bucky remembers that Steve stayed with him last night. They made love and Steve stayed with him. Rolling over, he's met with a wide awake Steve staring at him.

"Mornin'" he mumbles.

"Morning, Buck. How you feeling?"

"Mmmm, toasty and comfy. Don' wanna move, Stevie." As if for emphasis, Bucky tightly wraps his arms around Steve, not wanting either of them to move.

Steve allows the cuddling for another thirty minutes before he hears Bucky's stomach growling at them.

"Come on, Buck. Need to get food in ya. Don't want you passin' out in the gym."

"Aw, come on Stevie, can't I skip the gym 'n stay snuggled with you? Please," he pouts, batting his eyelashes at Steve, hoping to charm the other man into staying.

"As nice as that would be, you have team training. Team, you know the one you are a part of. You gotta be there. If it makes you feel better I'll come with you and then after we can come back here for the rest of the day. Okay?"

"Ugghhh, fine. Food first, I'm starvin'." Bucky puts his arms out for Steve to pull him up out of the bed.

Bucky is in charge of making them breakfast. Steve is still unsure of food most days and will only eat food if Bucky made it or if he watched it being made. The man rarely even eats takeout food because he's worried it has been poisoned.

Bucky walks over to the table where Steve is sitting and plops their plates of bacon, eggs, and toast down. They eat in a comfortable silence, with Bucky occasionally playing footsies with Steve under the table. He can't remember the last time he felt this happy. Bucky thinks it might have been the night before he shipped out for the Army way back when. He spent that entire night with Steve, taking him out to the big science convention and spending the rest of the night at home making love to Steve until the smaller man couldn't take any more. He has Steve back with him now, and that warm fuzzy feeling of knowing the love of your life is right next to you is back. Bucky couldn't be happier, he has Steve and that's all the man will ever need.

Bucky watches as Steve clears the table and willingly goes with him when Steve tugs him to his room to get dressed for the gym. _Ugh, team training_. Bucky would rather stay in bed with Steve all day, but the stubborn prick likes routine and he's making Bucky go. He also realizes that this is a major step for Steve - Steve has never been in the gym with everyone there, only with one or two people at a time.

Begrudgingly he follows Steve to the elevator to take them to the dreaded gym where he's going to have to actually put forth an effort during training today. He'd much rather put his maximum effort into Steve in their bed.

When they arrive, Bucky sees that the whole team is there waiting for him, including Bruce who never steps foot into the gym unless it's for team training. He squeezes Steve's hand when he tells Bucky that he's going to sit on the sideline and watch. Bucky knows this is hard for Steve, being around the whole team with countless quick movements happening.

Bucky walks over the free weight area and decides to do those first while Natasha has Tony working on his hand-to-hand technique in the ring. Seriously, what an unfair fight, but if there is anyone who can teach Tony to fight, it is Natasha. Bucky rarely uses his left arm when using the free weights; he knows how strong the arm is and he wants to build up his right arm as much as possible.

Nat and Tony finish up, leaving Tony looking absolutely beat. He joins Steve on the sideline while Bucky and Clint move into the ring for their turn at sparring. Each team training they try to switch up the pairs, keeping everyone on their toes and to learn from the different styles each member brings to the table. The only person who doesn't spar is Bruce, for obvious reasons. Bucky is also the only person Steve refuses to spar with - Steve has told him that he never wants to hurt Bucky again, regardless of whether or not it's just sparring.

Bucky and Clint are both great at hand-to-hand combat and are evenly matched skill wise. Bucky is definitely stronger with the serum and metal arm, but Clint does an excellent job of keeping up and matching Bucky for hits and speed. Bucky makes the mistake of looking over at Steve who is laser-focused on their fight and is distracted long enough for Clint to land a particularly hard hit to Bucky's stomach, knocking the breath right out of him.

Before anyone can react, Steve is there wrapping his hand around Clint's throat lifting him off the ground. His face is cold and full of rage, similar to his reaction when the swamp monsters attacked. Steve is a scary mix between himself and the Winter Soldier right now, which does not bode well for Clint.

Quickly recovering after the hit, Bucky is up trying to get Steve to let Clint go.

"Steve, buddy, hey look at me. Steve, I'm okay. It was my fault, I got distracted. Steve, let Clint go, please Steve. He didn't do anything wrong, okay? That was all me. I'm okay, see. Give me your hand and you can feel that I'm alive and okay." He takes Steve's free hand and moves it over his stomach where Clint hit him. "See, I'm okay, Stevie. Come back to me, please."

Shaking his head to get the Winter Soldier out, Steve lets Clint go. Bucky hates that Steve looks so hurt and unsure of himself. Bucky knows Steve is going to punish himself for this. He has been doing really well with his recovery, and he'll hate himself for getting back into that mindset.

"I'm sorry," Steve whispers before running out of the gym.

\--

Bucky immediately finds Steve in his room after asking Jarvis where the super soldier ran off to. As soon as he finds Steve he almost wishes he hadn't - Steve is kneeling in the center of the room, which is exactly what Hydra made him do for different forms of punishment. Bucky can see the other man has made himself appear as small as possible (which is saying something with how big Steve is), and his whole body is shaking in fear as he begs for forgiveness. Bucky knows that the programming is out of Steve's head, but he also knows how easy it can be for Steve to revert back to the Winter Soldier and have those memories take over.

"Hey Stevie, look at me. You're not in trouble. I'm not gonna hurt ya, okay? You got nothin' to be sorry for, alright? Clint's not mad, the team isn't mad and I'm not mad. No one is mad at you and you're not in trouble." He moves closer to Steve, kneeling down so he is facing the other man.

"I'm sorry… please don't hurt me… please…"

Bucky is helpless as he watches Steve getting more and more frustrated with himself as he continues to beg. Hydra taught him not to beg for forgiveness, not to beg for mercy, and certainly not to ask for anything. As he works himself up, Steve is pulling at his hair, eyes pinched shut in pain as his mind works to battle the other man inside his head.

"Stevie, please look at me. It's not your fault. No one is going to punish you. We're not Hydra. Your name is Steven Grant Rogers, you're in Avengers tower, and it is 2016. You're okay, Stevie. No one is going to hurt you. I love you and I need you to come back to me, please," he begs. Bucky has no idea what to do to help Steve. Tears are trickling from the corners of his eyes as he fights to keep them at bay, but it's a losing battle.

Steve straightens his spine in an instant and goes completely silent as he stares at Bucky crying in front of him. His handlers never cried or showed any form of sympathy towards him. He was a weapon and they treated him as such. But Bucky is crying and saying that he is sorry. It's unnerving and he continues to stay deathly still with his gaze fixed upon the brunet.

"Steve, baby, I'm not gonna punish you. I love you and I'm never gonna hurt you again. No one here will. I love you, Stevie," he says with tears streaming down his cheeks.

Bucky pulls his phone out and texts Natasha to come to their floor, he needs her help. He is still murmuring tiny encouragements to Steve when Natasha arrives a minute later. He listens as Natasha kneels down in front of Steve and addresses him in Russian. He doesn't know what she is saying but he doesn't necessarily care at the moment because it seems to be having an effect on Steve - the blond is steadying his breathing and looking less like he is about to get punished. Bucky will ask Nat what she said later, but for now he is happy to see Steve slowly beginning to relax.

Natasha murmurs one last thing to Steve as she gently cups his cheek with her hand before getting up to leave without another word. She is gone as quickly as she came.

Bucky is right back down at eye level with Steve and wraps his arms around him, asking the other man to come to bed with him. He doesn't care if it's only eleven in the morning, he plans on staying in bed with Steve for the rest of the day, cuddling and showering Steve with love and praise.

\--

"Mmmmph," he grunts out, not quite liking the fact he is awake, but wanting to know where Steve is going as the bed shifts. "Steve, where you going," he asks with his eyes still closed. When he doesn't hear an answer he opens his eyes to Steve putting on a shirt and opening the door to their bedroom. "Steve?"

"I need to talk to Natasha. I'll be back."

And just like that he was gone, leaving Bucky alone in their bed to wonder why Steve couldn't just talk to him about this.

\--

Steve arrives on Natasha's floor, needing to speak with her about what happened in the gym and what she said to him in Bucky's room. He hears her call out from another room telling him to go there. He follows the voice, feeling surprised and touched when he sees the scene before him - Natasha set blankets and pillows around the floor, with cheese and crackers, and wine ready as well.

"This is not what I had in mind, but I'll take it," he says as he sits next to her on the ground. He grabs a pillow and hugs it to his chest as a means of comfort and protection. He grabs a few pieces of cubed cheese and crackers that she has laid out on a platter in front of them, munching on them as she speaks.

"Tell me what happened," she insists, knowing the blond will tell her everything that went through his mind in the gym and in Bucky's room.

"I was fine when we got there. I was a little on edge being around all of you at once in that environment, but I was still fine. Maybe it was too soon after what happened yesterday, I don't know. It got worse when Bucky stepped on the mats with Clint. I knew that realistically Bucky could protect himself, but when he got distracted by me, _me,_ Natasha, I snapped as soon as I saw Clint go for the shot. I wasn't even me when the hit connected; he was already at the surface taking over."

"You're doing good, Steve. What did it feel like?"

Thankfully Steve doesn't have the urge to throw up or get on his knees at the word good anymore.

"It felt weird, like I how I did when those swamp monsters attacked. It was like me and him came together for the same mission - to protect Bucky. He perked up at the violence and I was worried about Bucky, we sort of worked in tandem. All I wanted was to protect Bucky and all he wanted was to hurt someone. I guess we both got what we wanted…"

It is strange for Steve to be talking about the Winter Soldier as an actual person in his head, but that is what it feels like. Steve can always feel him waiting in the back of his mind for his time to strike and take over for a little bit.

"And how did you gain control in your mind?"

"Bucky." He blew out a breath he didn't even know he was holding. "It was all Bucky. I heard him and he sounded scared and worried. He didn't sound injured, but he sounded like he needed me and not the Asset. His job was done and I was able to take over again. I just wanted to protect him. I didn't mean to hurt Clint…." He hugs the pillow tighter, afraid that if he lets it go he will fall apart.

"Is that why you thought you needed punishment," she hypothesizes.

Steve nods his head in acknowledgement.

"I hurt Clint and I scared Bucky… I didn't mean to do either of those things. I don't want to hurt anyone," he admits. Steve has spent enough of his life hurting other people, all he wants to do now is live as close to a normal life as he can with Bucky.

"Why did you kneel in Bucky's room for punishment?"

"Because… I was repeatedly conditioned to do that. I know I was wrong, but the memories of what Hydra did took over, and it is the only way I know how to be punished. I was out of line and needed punishment…"

"No one here is going to punish you, Steve. We're not Hydra or the Red Room. We're not going to hurt you. You are allowed to make mistakes and have bad days. You're free from their captivity and torture. Trust me, Bucky would die before letting anyone lay a hand on you, and so would the rest of us. I'm fairly certain Thor would bring the power of the nine realms down upon anyone who hurts you - he's got a soft spot for you."

That gets Steve to smile. He likes Thor; the man is always vibrant and full of life but knows the dark side to it all as well. The God has seen horrors and has gone through many wars and traumatic moments, but he still lives on and does damndest to be the best man he can be. It gives Steve hope.

"I know. I like Thor too. I know you aren't Hydra, but sometimes I revert back or the conditioning kicks in like second nature. I'm going to have bad days and I'm not always going to be able to ground myself back to reality."

"And that's what we're here for. All of us will help you when you need it, especially Bucky. He seems to be the only one really able to crack through the Winter Soldier and reach you. He loves you and will always be there for you Steve."

"I love him too," he confesses.

He and Natasha finish eating and drinking before he leaves to go back to Bucky.

\--

Steve finds Bucky curled up in bed, his eyes are puffy and red and his nose is running. He was crying. Steve strides forward and slips into bed with Bucky, wrapping the other man securely in his arms.

"Shhh, I'm here Bucky. I'm here. I'm okay," he soothes, kissing the back on Bucky's neck.

"I'm sorry, Steve." He turns his body so he is face to face with Steve in his arms.

Steve kisses Bucky on his lips, assuring the other man everything is okay.

"Got nothin' to be sorry for, Buck. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry I left without talkin' to ya. I needed to talk to Natasha first. She understands what it's like and I needed that. I don't ever want to burden you with my shit. You shouldn't have to hear it."

"But I want to, Stevie. I love you and I want to be there for you. You can always talk to me about anything. I ain't ever gonna leave you."

"I am never going to leave you. I love you, Buck."

"I love you too, Stevie."

They lay there curled up in each other's arms for the rest of the day, not caring about anyone or anything other than feeling safe and loved with each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Встань = Get up  
> Следуй за мной = Follow me  
> Спутник = Sputnik  
> Ржавый. Один. Грузовой вагон. = Rust. One. Freight car  
> Стив = Steve  
> Паучок = Little Spider
> 
> POOR STEVE AND BUCKY! I promise I do want these two idiots to be happy.
> 
> I cannot believe that the last chapter is going to be posted on Friday!!! Thank you all so much for reading, your kudos, your comments, and all of the love I have gotten for this fic. I sincerely hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I hope you enjoy chapter 8 on Friday.  
> Again, be on the lookout for some outtakes being posted next Monday. These are kind of like deleted scenes that I like, but I didn't think they went well with the flow of the chapters. They will be posted with the same schedules as these regular chapters (Mondays and Fridays). The outtakes are going to be part two of this series, so that's where they will be posted.


	8. This Doesn't Have To End In A Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world finds out that Steve was the Winter Soldier.
> 
> Or
> 
> The team is awesome, Tony has a heart, and General Ross can suck it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness!!!!!! I can't believe this is the final chapter for this fic. Thank you all for reading, commenting, giving me kudos, all of it! I honestly appreciate you all, and I sincerely hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
> A special thank you to one of my best friends, Kristin, for putting up with all of my grammatical errors and actually making this fic look presentable. You are amazing and I love you! Thank you for all of your help on this one.

Autumn was always one of Bucky's favorite times of year. To him it meant the changing of leaves and a new look to the world around him. Unfortunately, before the war it also meant Steve was more prone to contracting some type of virus or other illness. He never went out much in the fall before the war, just for the simple fact he was busy taking care of Steve. Since waking up in the twenty first century, Bucky has made it a point to go out and explore the world around him, look at the changing leaves, and admire the beauty surrounding him. This has become one of his favorite traditions and he wants to share that with Steve, which is why he plans on taking his best friend to the MET (Metropolitan Museum of Art).

Bucky knows Steve has been cooped up in the tower  since having the Hydra programming out of his head. The blond didn't want to go out until he felt confident enough to not have a relapse and hurt anyone. It has been a few weeks since the incident with Clint, but Bucky believes Steve is ready to go out and see the world, and what better place for an art lover than a museum dedicated art. He set this little plan in motion by peppering kisses along Steve's neck and chest as he woke him up from a nightmare-free sleep. The brunet then cooked his lover a hearty breakfast full of eggs, sausage, bacon, and toast. He instructed Steve to get dressed in the clothes he laid out for him on their bed, and to look presentable after they finished eating. He then insisted the blond meet him in the living room once he was finished.

Steve entered the living room after 15 minutes and Bucky's brain short circuits at the sight of Steve in nice dress pants and a button up shirt, looking like an actual gift from God. He stands there staring with his mouth open like he wants to say something but his motor function hasn't caught up to his brain yet.

"Um, do I look okay?"

"Yeah, Stevie. You look perfect." He is still staring as the small flush of red tints Steve's cheeks. If that isn't one of the loveliest sights Bucky has ever seen, then he doesn't know what is.

"Why did you have me dress this way?"

Bucky walks over to him, intertwining their hands and looking him directly in his gorgeous blue eyes as he speaks. "Steven Grant Rogers, would you like to go out on a date with me?"

This time it is Steve's turn to stare in disbelief and awe. He has never been officially asked out on a date before. Sure, before the war Bucky had him tag along on his dates or found a girl to go with Steve, but it was never a formal ask. And here Bucky is looking at him with such earnestness and love, it makes his heart want to explode from happiness. He knows he doesn't deserve Bucky or any form of love, but for once he is going to be selfish and accept this gift of love Bucky is trusting him with.

"Yes," is all he can muster up at the moment for a response.

Bucky grins in response and pulls Steve into a tight hug. "I'm so glad you said yes. I have our date planned out. Do you want to know where we're going?"

"Tell me." As clear as Steve is, he would still rather know where he is going and be in the right mind frame but also map out vantage points and exits prior to going. Call him paranoid, but that way of thinking has kept him alive for the past 70 years.

"I am going to take you to the MET. I know you loved art before and I've seen you sketch every once in a while, so I figured an art museum would be okay." He doesn't know why, but he suddenly feels unsure of himself. What if he made a mistake and assumed Steve would still be interested in art when he could not want anything to do with that old part of his life.

"Of course it's okay, Buck. I think it's perfect. And I've never been there before so I'll get to experience it for the first time with you." He leans in and presses a soft kiss to Bucky's lips. "When are we going?"

"In about five minutes. I just need to brush my teeth and put my shoes on."

"Sounds like a plan."

\--

"And did you see the Court and Cosmos exhibit? And the Pergamon exhibit? It was absolutely fantastic. And I don't think anyone recognized us."

Steve was smiling from ear to ear as Bucky listened to him rattle off every single piece he loved in the museum and why. Bucky doesn't recall Steve saying this many words or sentences in his entire span at the tower as he does on their drive back.

"Seriously Buck, thank you for today. It was my first time in a museum since D.C…"

Bucky heard about Steve's little adventure to the Captain America exhibit way back when, but he never thought about it until now. He thinks about how far Steve has come since then and how much growth has happened over the course of a year. And wow, it has already been one year since the helicarriers, and Shield being Hydra, and Steve coming back from the dead. What a mind fuck to think about. Even after all of the shit they've been through since then, Bucky wouldn't trade it for anything. He has Steve and that's all he has ever wanted.

"No need to thank me, Stevie. I'm so proud of you and how far you've come since then. And I love you."

"I love you too, Buck."

Steve is silent for a moment before jumping right back in to his prior discussion, as they ride the elevator up the common room floor of the tower. When the doors slide open, the rest of the team is casually, not so casually, lounging about ready to hear how their date went. Everyone knows this was a huge step for Steve, going out into the big city without being triggered or reverting to the Winter Soldier.

"Huh, Stevie. Would you look at this? Everyone conveniently gathered on the communal floor, just lounging about doing this or that," he says loud enough for his team to hear.

Steve huffs and looks over at Clint and Natasha on the couch. "I expected better showmanship from you two," and goes back to blankly looking at everyone else.

"Hey big guy, how was your date? Did Cap over here try to coup a feel or make out with you or -"

"Tony…" Bruce shook his head at Tony and gave the two soldiers a shy smile. "I hope you had fun."

"We did. And to answer your question Stark, no we did not make out or try to 'coup a feel.' Unlike you, we can be adults."

Tony grabs his chest like he's been hurt, "You wound me, Cap."

"Yeah, yeah," he says walking further into the room, sitting down next to Sam who turns to talk to Steve.

"So what was it like going out for your first time as a non-brainwashed person."

"It was good. I've never been there before so it was nice to see it."

"Well congrats on today buddy. We're proud of ya."

Bucky looks at Steve and automatically knows he's annoyed.

"I don't need congratulating. I'm not a child who needs congratulating for acting like a human."

"Whoa, easy buddy. I didn't mean anything by it."

"Is that why you're all here," Bucky asks. He just thought they all wanted to tease him about their date and see how it went, but he's starting to see they were worried Steve might not do well on the outside.

"We just wanted to make sure everything went okay, that's all." Natasha should know better than anyone not to coddle a person, especially someone like Steve who hates pity and hates people worrying about him or doubting him.

"It's fine, Natalia. I didn't kill anyone or revert back or have any type of lapse. Glad to know you all had such confidence in me," he says, biting out those last words. He storms back to the elevator with Bucky quick on his heels to go down to their room, leaving everyone else behind to look at each other knowing they messed up.

When the doors to the elevator close, Bucky grabs Steve's hands and squeezes, telling him it's okay and they didn't mean it like that. He knows Steve is upset, and Bucky doesn't want this day to be ruined because of his stupid team members who don't know when to mind their own business.

Bucky pulls Steve onto their floor as soon as the doors open and lightly pushes him against the wall to kiss him. Once the blond has been thoroughly kissed, Bucky pulls away, giving Steve a small smile, hoping to brighten his spirits.

"Come on," he says as he tugs Steve to their bedroom. Bucky closes the door and takes Steve's shirt and undershirt off and unbuckles his pants to tug them down.

"On the bed, face down please." Bucky tries his damndest not to make anything sound like an order, especially right now when Steve is still upset. Thankfully, Steve complies and Bucky grabs a bottle of massage oil from their nightstand and moves to straddle the other man. He pours some oil onto his hands and begins massaging Steve's back, working out the tense muscles and knots forming.

Bucky has been thinking about their relationship for the past couple of weeks and he wanted to breach the topic today if their date went well, which it did. He and Steve both remember what kind of relationship they had before the war, and they haven't done anything like that since. Bucky also knows that Steve said that if they did start up this kind of relationship again he would have to be in control, which is just fine with Bucky. Steve has been hinting about doing a Dom/Sub type scene for the past week and a half and Bucky thinks they're both ready for it -  which is why he wants to discuss this and see if Steve is on the same page.

"Steve, baby, I want to talk with you about something." He waits to continue until Steve gives a sound of affirmation. "I've been thinking about this for a while and I think you've been dropping hints at me all week about this. And at any point tell me if I'm wrong or got the signals crossed and it won't be an issue and I won't be mad, I promise."

Steve's loose muscles begin to tense at the hint of anxiety in Bucky's voice, and he turns over and sits up so he is facing Bucky.

"What is it, Buck?"

"I, uh, I wanted to talk you about, um, maybe doing a scene." He can see the confusion on Steve's face before the blond realizes exactly what he means. "Yeah, that kind of scene. I know you said you would want to be in control, and that is just fine with me."

"You want me to top you?"

"Um, yeah, but only if you want," he rushes to say, not wanting to make Steve feel like he has to do it out of some kind of misguided obligation.

"I do. I want to."

Steve is looking at Bucky in what can only be described as love and awe. Bucky's heart melts on the spot as he surges forward to kiss his best friend.

"I'm so happy you want this too," he says in between kisses. He lets out a small gasp as Steve's hands sneak under his shirt, roaming free on his torso. "Mhmm, Steve hold up." He pulls away from the kiss and holds Steve at an arm's length. "We need to talk about this before we jump in and do it. We gotta talk about limits and safewords and what we're willin' to do."

Steve pouts for a flickering moment but eventually nods his head in agreement. "Okay, so tell me what you like and don't like," he commands, already getting into the role.

Bucky's stomach drops down to his dick at Steve's commanding voice. He hasn't heard that since his days in the Howling Commandos, and God has he missed it.

"Okay, first I guess I'll do, uh, likes. I um, I want you to pin me down so I can't move or tie me up. I guess I would like being restrained." This is hard for him to do, even though he has thought about his limits and researched different kinks over the last week. "Spanking is fine, but not hitting or punching or anything."

"No, never," the blond assures with such reverence. He never wants to hurt Bucky, and he will do everything in his power to make sure no harm ever comes upon his best friend.

"I know, baby. Okay, so um, calling me names is fine too, like slut or whore. You know I love dirty talk, so that's fine. Uh, toys are fine too as long as we discuss them before using them. Like no canes or anything, but a vibrator, dildo, flogger, and stuff are okay. Other stuff that I can't think of now we can talk about later if it comes up. No shittin' or peeing on each other, I definitely don't do that."

"Oh, God no, me neither." Steve discovered too many hard limits during his time with Hydra and the Red Room, and unfortunately he was with someone who liked doing this. He did not like it, but the Asset went along with it and took it like a champ. Never again will he ever do that.

"Good. Okay, no fire or weapons, like guns or knives. Temperature play is okay and wax is fine, but nothing that could seriously harm either one of us."

"Agreed, no weapons. I don't ever want to hurt you."

"I know, Steve. And I never wanna hurt you either." Bucky knows they've both done enough damage to each other and they never want to do that again.

"Other than that I can't think of anything. What about you? What are your limits?"

Steve is thankful Bucky asked, because he remembers some people don't ask the Dom's what their limits are, which is ridiculous. This is a partnership and both parties' limits and opinions matter.

"I agree with everything that you've said so far. How do you feel about blindfolds, or things that could temporarily block one of your senses, or playing with your fears?" Steve knows there's so much more to these scenes than just pain and pleasure, there is trust and fear involved and he doesn't take this responsibility lightly.

"I, uh, didn't even think of that stuff. Yes to blindfolds and yes to having something that can temporarily block my senses, but just like one at a time. I don't think I could handle not being able to _see and_ hear, ya know. So one sense at a time, I guess. I don't want to play with my fears. My only fear is losing you or seeing you get hurt. I don't think I could handle that again."

Steve wraps Bucky in a death hold of a hug, murmuring everything is going to be okay and he will never lose him again, he isn't going anywhere. "Shh, I'm here, baby. I'm not goin' anywhere. I would never leave you. You're mine and I love you."

"I love you too, Steve."

Steve continues to hold Bucky, rubbing his hands up and down the brunet's back while he talks. "Like I said, I'm good with everything that you've said so far. If something we do triggers me, I'll stop immediately and let you know so we can talk about it. Same goes for you. I want you to tell me if anything I do doesn't feel good or triggers you in any way. Which brings me to the topic of safewords. You ever hear of usin' traffic lights?"

Bucky nods his head against the blond's neck, still holding on to Steve for comfort. He lost his lover once, twice if you include him running after D.C., he doesn't plan on ever losing him again.

"I think we should use those. Green means go and okay, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. If either of us says red, then we'll stop the scene and discuss it. If both of us still feel up to continuing, then we will. I want us to have a safeword that stops it all. No matter what, if one of us says it then the scene stops immediately, we talk about it and go straight into aftercare. Does this all sound okay so far?"

"Yeah, it does. I like the traffic light idea. Easy to remember. What do you want the safeword to be?"

"I think we should each have our own, something that isn't used in normal conversation and can be easy to remember. Mine is Hydra."

"And mine is Shield. Neither of those should ever come into our bedroom, unless it's to stop the scene."

"And last but certainly not least, aftercare. I'm going to want to be, as close to you as possible after, to really make sure you're okay. I'm going to want to kiss you all over and hold you close to me. I'm going to feed you and make sure you're hydrated. Anything you need, I'm going to give it to you."

"That all sounds perfect. I want all of that. As long as you stay close to me afterwards I'll be okay. Can we shower together or take a bath too?"

"Of course we can, baby. Anything for you. I'll wash you and make sure you're taken care of. I love you so much, Bucky."

"I love you, Stevie."

The blond hooks his pointer finger under his sub's chin, guiding Bucky's lips to meet his. Steve lightly pushes Bucky to lie down on the bed, never breaking their kiss. He removes his shirt before pulling Bucky's off of him and tossing it to the ground. Steve goes back to kissing Bucky while running his hands up and down his chest, getting to know each and every spot on his lovers body.

Steve kisses down and across Bucky's jaw before moving to nip and suck on his gorgeously exposed throat. He tisks at Bucky when the brunet starts to move his hips, desperately seeking some relief.

"Uh uh, no moving, Buck. Stay still and you'll get a reward."

The brunet ceases all movement and Steve goes back to kissing his lover. Moving across the throat to the shoulder, Steve gently kisses the light scarring around Bucky's shoulder where skin meets metal. He knows Bucky tends to be self-conscious about the arm at times and Steve wants to show him he loves every single part of Bucky, no matter what.

"You are so beautiful," he murmurs loud enough for Bucky to hear.

"Steve," he whines, wanting the blond to do something other than kiss him.

"Be patient. You'll get what you want soon enough… Hey Buck, how do you feel about being marked?" He forgot to ask earlier when they were negotiating and discussing what they wanted.

"Yes, God, yes, Stevie. Please."

Steve smiled and bit down on the space between his neck and the metal on his shoulder, hard enough to leave a mark.

"Oh, God, Steve. Please yes, more. I need more."

"You need what I decide to give you," he says in his dominant voice. "Look at you, already a slut for more, huh?" Bucky said he liked dirty talk and name-calling.

"Anything, Steve, please. I want what you'll give me."

"I love when you beg," he states as he moves further down the brunet's chest and takes one of his nipples into his mouth to suck on, flicking his tongue around and lightly nipping at it.

Bucky arches into his mouth, unable to stop himself from moving.

"That feels so good, don't stop, Steve, please don't stop."

Steve removes his mouth from his chest and sits up, looking down at the other man.

"What did I tell you about moving, Buck. You didn't keep still."

"I'm sorry Steve, just feels so good."

Before Bucky knows what's happening, Steve flips him over so he is laying face down with his back exposed to Steve. Steve removes Bucky's pants and underwear, along with his own, and settles back down on the bed. He palms his hands over Bucky's ass and squeezes.

"You were bad, baby. I told you not to move and you did. I think that deserves a spanking, don't you?" He grins when he hears Bucky moan underneath him at the thought. "You'll get 5 and I want you to count them out okay, baby?" They hadn't really discussed punishments so Steve wants to check in before doing anything to see if it is okay.

"Green, very green."

Steve leans down and kisses his shoulder before pulling back and delivering the first smack on the brunet's plump ass.

"One," Bucky manages to say in between moaning.

Steve brings his hand down again on the other cheek, smiling in delight when Bucky counts and pushes his ass back for more. Steve makes sure the last three are delivered with increasing force, making Bucky choke out the last number.

"You did so good, baby," he praises, massaging the sore spots on his love's butt. "I want you to be as loud as you want for this next part."

Steve removes his hands, despite the sound of protest from Bucky, and spreads his cheeks apart, darting his tongue out to rim around his beautiful hole.

"Fuck, Steve! Oh fuckin' God, please."

Steve licks around Bucky's hole, teasing it as Bucky begs for more. He slowly pushes his tongue in to open him up further, as Bucky grinds down on his face. He continues to tease the brunet until his pleas fade into a constant litany or moaning and whining. Steve pulls away and grabs the lube from inside their nightstand. He slicks up two fingers and pushes them into Bucky's welcoming hole.

"Fuck," Bucky shouts, unable to keep himself from screaming. "Steve, please. Need you. Need you in me now, please."

"One more finger, love. Wanna make sure you're opened properly."

Bucky gasps as Steve adds a third finger and slowly thrusts them in and out. Just when Bucky is about to start crying in desperation, Steve removes his fingers and slicks up his own dick. Neither of them can contract any disease, so they both opted for not using condoms.

Steve flips Bucky back around so he is lying on his back. The blond moves Bucky's legs up closer to his hips, with his feet on the bed and knees bent. He leans down and kisses Bucky as he slowly enters the man, capturing each moan in his mouth.

Bucky's eyes roll back in his head with the pleasure of having Steve finally inside him. He didn't even notice his hands were gripping Steve's hips until the blond captures his wrists in one hand and pins them above his head on the bed.

"No moving," is all the blond says as he rocks his hips faster into the soldier below him. He chuckles when Bucky tries to move his arms, but is unable to with Steve pinning his arms down in a death vice. "This want you want? Want me holdin' ya down so ya can't move as I fuck you. Fuck, you feel so good, baby. So fuckin' good. Look real pretty too."

Bucky rolls his hips to match Steve's thrusts, and honest to God whimpers when Steve tightens his grip on his wrists as he speeds up with his thrusts. He places his other hand lightly around Bucky's throat, not hard enough to cut off air, but as a silent warning to stop moving his hips.

It doesn't take long for Steve to find Bucky's prostate and lines up so he hits it with each thrust.

"Fuck, Steve! Fuckin' there. Need, need it s' bad."

Steve knows Bucky is getting close when he begins slurring his words. It has been the brunet's tell ever since they were teenagers, when Steve would listen to Bucky through the walls.

"No coming until I tell you to."

"What? Fuckin' kidding me?"

Steve slows his pace slightly and looks right at Bucky to gage his reaction. "Color?"

Bucky huffs and answers, "Green."

Steve smirks and quickens his pace again. He removes his hand from Bucky's throat to grip his leaking cock and jack him off while Steve hammers into him.

"Fuck, 'm so close Bucky. Ya feel so fuckin' good, baby. Love havin' ya underneath me, lettin' me fuck ya."

"Steve, please, I need to come," he whines, as Steve is unrelenting in his pace.

"Not until I say. Can you do that for me?"

Bucky is beyond words right now and can only nod his head to signal yes.

Steve pounds harder into Bucky while he strokes his cock slowly. He knows the differing speeds are driving Bucky insane, but he also knows that this is going to be one the best orgasms he has ever had.

With a few more thrusts Steve is coming inside Bucky, yelling is name as he does. When he catches his breath, he glances at Bucky who looks like he is about to burst any second. "Come for me, Buck," he pants, still stroking Bucky's dick.

Bucky arches his back off the bed and comes all over his stomach, screaming Steve's name in pleasure. It takes him a few minutes to come back to himself, but when he does he sees Steve looking at him in amazement.

"You look so beautiful, Buck," he says after he kisses him. "How are you feeling?"

"Mmmm, feel good."

"You were great, Buck, did so good for me. I'm so proud of you."

Bucky preens at the compliment, happy to have made Steve proud. "Love makin' ya happy, Stevie."

"You do make me happy. You make me so happy. You've been here with me every step of the way. I love you so much, Bucky." Steve wraps Bucky up in his arms holding him close and snuggling up to him. Steve peppers Bucky's face with soft kisses, wanting to be as close to him as possible.

"I love you too, Steve. I love you so much. You make me happy. You're all I ever want in life. I promise I will never let anyone ever hurt you again. You're mine and I'm never going to let you go." Bucky snuggles even closer to Steve, burying his face into the blond's chest.

"Oh baby, you're never gonna lose me. I would start a war before I let anyone separate us. I love you and I would do anything for you. You are the only thing in this world that matters to me."

They lay there together for what seems like hours, gently kissing and holding each other. Steve could stay like this for hours, but he's starting the feel the come on their stomachs drying and becoming uncomfortable.

"Mm, we should shower. Come on, baby, let's get you cleaned up."

Bucky allows Steve to carry him to their bathroom and gently stands him up in the shower once the water is hot (not that it takes long in Avengers Tower). Steve takes his time washing every crevice of Bucky's body, massaging his muscles and kissing his lips. Steve reminds Bucky how good he was and how much he loves him.

Bucky is completely pliant against Steve, letting the blond do whatever it is that he wants. He shifts his body when Steve lowers his hand with the washcloth to clean Bucky's hole. Bucky is still sensitive there from earlier and does his best to be still for Steve, knowing the other man is taking care of him.

"Love you so much," he whispers as he cleans the rest of Bucky's body. When Steve is satisfied that Bucky is completely clean, he quickly washes himself down and rinses off, not wanting to break contact with Bucky for any length of time. Steve finishes and turns the water off, wrapping a big fluffy towel around Bucky to dry him with. He pats himself dry and guides Bucky back to their bed to sleep.

"Thank you, Bucky, for everything. I loved our date and I'm honored that you let me have you." He lies down on the bed next to Bucky and brings the covers up to their chins, securing them in the safety of their bed together.

"No need to thank me, Stevie. I would give you the world if you asked. You deserve everything in life. I loved our date too. Next time you pick the spot for the date."

Steve is beyond words, Bucky wants there to be a next date. He honestly doesn't know what he did to deserve Bucky, but he thanks his lucky stars that he has him. Steve owes Bucky his life, and he plans on spending the rest of his proving how much he loves the other man.

"Okay, Bucky. I will. Sleep tight now." They fall asleep wrapped in each other's arms.

\--

"Excuse the interruption," Jarvis announces to the two sleeping soldiers, knowing his voice will wake them up.

Steve instantly jolts out of bed in a defensive position ready to take on whatever threat is there. Bucky on the other hand, rubs the crust out of his eyes and asks what's going on.

"Mr. Stark informed me, he thinks it would be best if you two stayed in your room until further notice." The AI sounded apologetic but serious.

"Jarvis, why doesn't he want us to leave our room?" Bucky is suddenly on edge, not liking where this is going.

"It's about me isn't it," Steve asks, looking defeated, yet ready to protect Bucky with his life.

"I am afraid you are correct, Steve. General Ross is on the communal floor speaking with the other Avengers."

"Pull up the video and audio please, Jarvis."

"Of course, Sir."

Instantly, the two super soldiers are able to see the team (minus Thor) speaking with General Ross, who is accompanied by a plethora of armed soldiers. They listen and watch as the conversation unfolds.

"We know he's here. We have evidence suggesting he is still alive, and he must answer for his crimes."

"How do you know that's even him? It looks like a grainy picture of some random guy." Tony is trying to place doubt in the General's mind, but they both know that won't work.

"We have orders from the President to bring him in and make him pay for his crimes. He might have been a war hero once, but now he's nothing more than Nazi traitor."

A crack of thunder and lightning appear outside. Thor is nowhere to be seen, but the threat is still there.

"I'd be careful if I were you, General. Thor might not be here right now, but he knows what you're saying and I don't think he appreciates your tone of voice." Leave it to Sam to point out that the God is not happy to try and settle things down a bit.

"I don't give a shit what he appreciates. We're taking the Winter Soldier and you have no authority to stop us. Move out and find him." Ross' soldiers scatter like bats out of hell to find Steve.

"Let's face it, you don't want him on trial, you want to experiment on him and use him for your gain. Don't pretend you are any better than Hydra, General."

Steve is already gearing up for the fight. No one will take him away from Bucky. He's faced more soldiers before, in worse conditions. Now he at least has ally's, possibly friends in these people, and he hopes they would have his back in a fight.

"Steve, this doesn't have to end in a fight." Bucky trying his best to keep Steve calm and not let him get hurt.

"It always ends in a fight."

God, Steve sounds so incredibly tired; tired of fighting and tired of running. He's been fighting his entire life, even when he was small. All he wants to do is live a normal life with Bucky and be happy. But fate apparently has other ideas.

"Sirs, they are right outside," the AI informs them.

Steve pushes Bucky aside, not wanting him to be anywhere near bullets if they start to fly. His face is clear of all emotions and he looks more like the Winter Soldier than Bucky has seen since the incident with Rumlow.

The soldiers bust through the door and aim their weapons at Steve, barking orders for him to stand down.

Bucky slowly moves from where he is with his hands raised, trying to appear non-threatening, and moves in front of Steve, looking directly at the blond.

"Steve, baby, please don't fight them. Listen to me, this doesn't have to end in a fight. You're not him anymore. You don't have to fight ever again. Tony is already contacting the best lawyers in the world. He's going to make sure that you get out of this. There is no way a jury could ever believe that you did any of that stuff in your right mind. I promise you will be okay. Please don't fight."

Bucky knows it is a last ditch effort to try and calm his friend down, but he leans in and kisses Steve like there is no tomorrow. Thankfully, the other man relaxes into the kisses and answers Bucky's pleas.

"Okay," he whispers. "I won't fight them. I'll go with them and answer for my crimes. Please know that I love you, James Buchanan Barnes, with all my heart."

Steve kisses his lover one last time before moving in front of Bucky and offering himself to the soldiers. The same soldiers who look absolutely relieved they don't have to go up against the infamous Winter Soldier and Captain America.

Bucky follows them out, wanting to be with Steve every step of the way. When they arrive on the communal floor the team is there waiting, ready to follow them into the jaws of death.

"We'll take it from here," Ross states as he looks right at Steve with a disgusting hunger in his eyes.

"Actually, General, we're coming with you. And trust me, there's nothing you can do to stop us. I think the good Captain should ride with Steve to make sure nothing incredulous or unethical happens on the drive to the facility. The rest of us are going to follow you and stay at the compound with Steve until this is resolved."

Never let it be said that Tony doesn't stick up for his friends, because Goddamn he is doing his best to support Steve.

Ross looks like he might actually punch Stark, but thinks better of it. He grits his teeth and agrees to have Bucky ride with them.

Through all of this Steve is silent. He watches the scene play out in front of him, assessing each and every angle to break free and run. He also analyzes the different scenarios on how this can all play out in the coming days. The only outcome he wants is to be with Bucky, but he knows better than to think he deserves such an ending, and would be naïve to think it could happen.

Steve willingly goes with Ross and the soldiers to their car, which will transport him to wherever it is they are taking him - probably somewhere remote and away from prying eyes. Bucky is right  next to him every step of the way and he couldn't be more grateful for that.

Steve sits in the silence for the entirety of the three hour drive to a military base, which supposedly has a cell dedicated to holding Steve or any enhanced person. Bucky held Steve close the entire trip, whispering promises of a better life for them. Steve would love to believe everything Bucky told him, but he knows better than to hope for happiness. A happy ending was never in his cards.

Ross attempts to literally shove Steve into the holding cell, but his strength is no match for Steve and the blond doesn't even move at the push. If it were possible, the General would have steam coming out his ears, nose, and mouth when he watches Steve gracefully step into the cell and level him with a taunting look.

The cell door closes and Steve is completely alone in his cell. Realistically he knows that Bucky and the others are right on the other side of the glass watching over him, but he is not allowed to speak with them until a lawyer is present, which annoys him to no end.

The super soldier sits on the bed - if that's what they want to call it, more like a flimsy half mattress - and blankly stares at the reinforced see-through wall. The wall acts as a window for others on the outside looking in, but it is tinted on his side.

Hours pass and Steve hasn't moved an inch. At some point a guard provided a cup of water but Steve declined. He was smarter, and too paranoid to drink or eat anything Ross' men provide.

At the four-hour mark he stood and paced around the cell to stretch his legs and allow for proper blood flow to his extremities. He was forced to stay in a certain position for hours with Hydra and the Red Room, but he doesn't have to do that now. He knows he can move around whenever he wants and not be punished for it. Plus it gives Bucky and the team something to look at other than him sitting like a statue.

Steve keeps the routine of sitting and pacing for the entire day, well into the night. He refuses the food they offered, knowing he can survive with no food for over a week before his levels would drop below optimum. Steve hopes Bucky and the others are asleep, but doesn't put it past them to still be awake to watch over him. He knows Natasha is awake. He swears that woman doesn't actually sleep, just lightly rests every once in a great while.

It is a long night of sitting and pacing, and thinking about what is going to happen to Bucky. Steve isn't worried about himself, he hasn't been since he was deprogrammed. All Steve worries about is Bucky; is he going to move on after Steve is gone, will he visit him in this holding cell once he is convicted, will they try and hurt Bucky or will they leave him alone. All of these thoughts and more are running through Steve's head.

The night turns into morning and Steve stays seated when his cell door opens, revealing a professional looking team of men and women. There are four of them total, each equipped with a briefcase and a look of money in their eyes. _Lawyers_ , he guesses.

"Hello, Captain Rogers, my name is Allen Copefield. I am your attorney. I have already informed the General and his commanders the judge is allowing you to leave this disgusting jail and go back to the Tower under the watchful eye of the Avengers. You are not to leave the tower for any reason until the trial. There is going to be a world leader trial in four days, in New York, to decide which countries, if any, are going to press charges against you. Does this all sound fair to you thus far?"

"Yes." Steve wants this conversation over as quickly as possible so he can leave to go be with Bucky in the comfort of their own room.

"Good. I will meet with you tomorrow at Avengers Tower to discuss this case further. Pardon me for not doing that here, but I do not trust General Ross or his men, and would rather have privacy for our privileged conversation."

"Thank you." Steve is grateful this guy understands not wanting to be in this cell any longer than is necessary, and the fact Ross cannot be trusted.

"As I mentioned, you are to report straight to Avengers Tower and not leave until the trial. Captain Rogers, you are officially free to go. See you tomorrow."

Steve barely shakes his hand before leaving the god forsaken cell and directs himself right into Bucky's open arms. It has only been a day, but it feels like a lifetime for the both of them since they've been able to hold each other.

The rest of the team congratulates him on being free, and inform him Thor should be back at the Tower either tonight or tomorrow morning. Regardless, Steve is happy that he gets to be with Bucky and surrounded by people who care about him.

\--

Bucky immediately drags Steve by the hand to their floor as soon as they arrive back at the Tower. Bucky hasn't let go of Steve since the blond was released earlier this morning. Once inside the safety and comfort of their own home, Bucky has Steve pinned against their bed, kissing him with more passion than he thinks he ever has.

For the first time since being with Bucky in this new world, Steve doesn't mind Bucky taking a little bit of control and being the one to do all of the work. He lays back and lets Bucky do whatever it is he desires.

Bucky makes sure to kiss every last inch of Steve.  He knows the trial could not end well for Steve, which is why tonight he wants to make Steve feel as loved as he possibly can. Bucky takes his time and they have the most passionate, emotion-filled sex he thinks they ever had. He is soft and gentle, and worshipping Steve the way he was always meant to.

Bucky has Steve cuddled up next to him after they finished making love, refusing to let go if he can help it. He was planning on waiting to tell the blond, but he thinks he might not get any other chance if the trial doesn't go Steve's way.

"Hey baby. Look at me. There ya go, Stevie. I love you so much. No matter what happens at the trial, I'm gonna be with you every step of the way. 'Til the end of the line, okay. I wanna talk to you 'bout somethin'."

He waits as Steve snuggles even closer to him with his head propped up on Bucky's chest, giving him his full attention.

"I've been working on this for about a month or so, and I think now is the best time to tell you. I bought us a house."

Bucky watches as Steve's face shifts from being content to being blank and then to confused happiness.

"You bought us a house? Why?" Steve doesn't understand why Bucky bought a house when he lives in the Tower, but just the thought that he did it for them puts a smile on Steve's face.

"Cause I want us to live together away from everything. We've both been to hell and back, and I think it's time we have a break. We damn well deserve one. If, no strike that, when the trial goes your way, I just want to leave with you and not have to worry about anything else in life. I can still be a part of the Avengers and go help when they need me, but I want to spend all of my time with you. You're the only thing I truly care about."

Steve surges up to trap Bucky's lips in a kiss, holding his face with both hands so that the other man has no chance of escaping, not that he would anyways.

"Yes. Yes to all of it. I love you, James Buchanan Barnes, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you so fuckin' much, Bucky. I've waited my whole life to be with you and no one is going to take that away from me, from us. Of course I'll live with you."

There is nothing in the world that could make Bucky happier than knowing Steve loves him and wants to be with him for the rest of his life. He wraps Steve up in his arms and holds him close as he tells him all about the place he bought for them.

For the first time in a long time, both Steve and Bucky have hope.

\--

The attorney and a group of lawyers swing by the next morning as promised to go to over the case and upcoming trial with Steve. Normally there wouldn't be other people allowed in the room when they talk, but Steve allowed the team to be there. If he's being honest with himself, they help settle him and make him feel loved and supported. Thor is there too, which brings a certain happiness to Steve's heart. The two bonded many months back and they regard each other as brothers. It's comforting for Steve to know everyone here has his back.

The attorney informs him of exactly how the trial amongst the world leaders is going to go. They are not sure of what countries, other than the U.S., are actually planning on pressing charges and pursuing a trial of their own.

The day is filled with stacks of paperwork and prepping Steve to talk during the trial. The hardest part in all of this is convincing Steve of his innocence. Ever since he was deprogrammed, Steve has held the guilt of his actions in his heart, and blames himself for every action and every kill as the Winter Soldier. Bucky tells him over and over again that it wasn't him, but Hydra. The attorney told him it's good to have guilt, countries might go easier on him if he shows some emotion.

By the end of the day they have their game plan set. Now it is just a waiting game until the trial.

\--

" _Captain Rogers should be held accountable for all of the lives he took with Hydra. He should be stripped of his honors and thrown in jail or given the death penalty._ "

" _Captain Rogers was brainwashed and held as a prisoner of war for over seventy years. He should be given all of the comforts and freedoms that we have. He suffered enough and I hope the leaders around the world will see that_."

The news has been going wild since learning of the existence of Steve Rogers as the Winter Soldier. To be honest, crazier things have happened, like aliens from outer space trying to destroy them, but people like to make a fuss about every little thing in the world.

The Avengers traveled with Steve to the United Nations Headquarters where the trial is taking place. Bucky hasn't let go of Steve's hand since they left the tower this morning. They're standing just outside the room waiting for their turn to go in. The group of Ross' soldiers that were waiting with them finally signal the team to go in.

The giant room is filled with leaders from aroud the world, except for Russia - it was decided they wouldn't be invited due to their involvement with the Red Room and the Winter Soldier. The U.S. was fine with leaving Russia out; gives the U.S. a better chance of imprisoning Steve on their own soil.

The Avengers refused to sit away from Steve, especially Bucky, so they are all sitting in the front of the room waiting for Steve's fate to be decided.

Steve is nervous - there are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. He finally has Bucky back and these leaders could rip them apart to never see each other again. Realistically, Steve knows Tony has the best lawyers money can buy, but he is also happy Natasha forced Tony to hire two local New Yorkers on the team as well. Steve knows exactly who the one lawyer is, can see right through his disguise as an everyday blind lawyer. It gives the blond comfort to know another superhero is looking out for him.

The first country to speak is of course the United States. The President addresses the room, recounting all of the atrocious acts Steve performed during his time as the Winter Soldier. Not one good thing was spoken about Steve or of his service to his country during the war. The President finishes his scathing speech about how Steve is the devil and should rot for the rest of his life in a government maximum-security prison.

The room is silent for a moment before the blind lawyer, Matt Murdock, stands up to address the room.

"Ladies and gentlemen, you just heard one man speak half-lies and slandering words. The President just described an uncontrollable monster, a killing machine that will take orders from anyone - or at least anyone who knows the code words that were used on the Winter Soldier."

Matt levels the crowd with a hard glare, especially the President.

"What the President  failed to mention was how Captain Rogers became the Winter Soldier and the ways in which he had no control over his actions. Back in 1944, Captain Rogers along with the Howling Commandos went on a mission to capture Dr. Zola of Hydra. I'm sure you all know the story of Captain Rogers falling from the train after a blast from a Hydra weapon. What you don't know is what happened afterward."

"Captain Rogers fell to the bottom of the mountain, bleeding out with almost every bone in his body broken. Hours later he was captured by Hydra, unable to fight them off from the blood loss he suffered. Hydra took him back to their facility and tortured him physically, emotionally, and psychologically. They tortured and experimented on him - with Captain Rogers awake and alert for each session. From there they consistently used electroshock on Captain Rogers' brain, making him forget who he was and twisting him for their own gain. Hydra and the Red Room conditioned Captain Rogers into the persona of the Winter Soldier."

"Yes, the Winter Soldier committed heinous acts throughout the decades. Steve Rogers did not. The man sitting here before you today," he points to Steve, "is not the Winter Soldier. The man before you is Steven Grant Rogers, and we would like to prove that to you all."

Matt waits for Natasha to walk to him with the Red Room's secret book in her hands.

"We have here the book the Red Room used to manipulate and brainwash Captain Rogers. Inside are the words that were used to trigger the Winter Soldier. And I say trigger because each time Captain Rogers was taken out of cryofreeze, he was partially himself. His mind was constantly fighting to break free. Unfortunately Hydra and the Red Room conditioned him - through torture and brainwashing - to be triggered by specifit words, spoken in a certain tone. I cannot speak Russian, but with us is Natasha Romanoff. She is fluent in Russian and was one of the people to help deprogram and break the conditioning in Captain Rogers. Ma'am."

"Thank you Mr. Murdock. It took myself and the rest of my team over a month to break the conditioning Hydra and the Red Room had over Captain Rogers. As Mr. Murdock pointed out, I am fluent in Russian and am able to speak these trigger words in the correct manor. Let's see if the monster the President was describing still exists."

Natasha pronounces each trigger word the way the book details. Steve just sits there the entire time, his face neutral. On one hand, he is happy these words no longer affect him, but on the other hand, he still hates hearing them uttered.

"Asset, kill the man sitting next to you."

Steve shrugs and sits there, staring at the crowd.

"Asset, kill yourself."

Still Steve does nothing.

"Asset, mission report 1991."

Steve is silent. He knows Natasha used that specific mission report because Tony plans on speaking today about the assassination of his parents.

"As you can see, Captain Rogers is no longer affected by these words and has broke free of the conditioning and brainwashing Hydra and the Red Room had over him. He is finally free from seventy years as a prisoner of war. He doesn't deserve to be thrown in jail. He deserves to live."

Natasha takes her seat as Matt switches in to address the crowd.

"Thank you, Ms. Romanoff. As my colleague demonstrated, Captain Rogers is no longer under the influence of Hydra or the Red Room. He completely understands and knows what the Winter Soldier has done throughout the years, and feels all of the guilt you all hope he does. Even though it wasn't his mind that was present for the acts, Captain Rogers still feels guilty and holds himself accountable. No killing machine or monster would ever feel bad about the acts committed, but Steven Rogers does. This is because he is a good man who had horrible, unspeakable things done to him, but has come out on the other side. He survived what none of us ever could. Captain Rogers remembers each kill the Winter Soldier performed, and one of those kills hits home for someone in this very room. Mr. Stark."

Tony is up out of his seat, taking the place of Matt to give his testimony.

"For a long time I never knew the truth about my parent's death. Sure, I speculated there was foul play involved, but I never knew for sure. One day, Sergeant Barnes asked to use my plane to go rescue his long-lost friend. I, being the generous man that I am, said yes. Sergeant Barnes brought back a man who had no idea what was going on or who he was. He was lost and broken. I had no idea at the time that the Winter Soldier was responsible for my parent's death. I found out through researching the files that were released after the incident in D.C."

"Captain Rogers was living with us for probably over a month before we received intelligence about a Hydra base that was located in upstate New York. We, along with Captain Rogers, went. When we were inside, we ran into Brock Rumlow - a Hydra agent who posed as a Shield agent for many years. He triggered Steve using the words Ms. Romanoff demonstrated just a few minutes ago. Rumlow triggered Steve to attack us and then try to kill himself. Needless to say, it was not pretty. Thankfully, we were able to sedate Captain Rogers and get him back to Avengers Tower. From there we were able to figure out how to deprogram the trigger words and help Captain Rogers finally break free from the conditioning."

"When Captain Rogers first came back to the tower, he was still triggered to try to kill himself. We had him securely locked down and unable to do so. In a last ditch effort to die, the Winter Soldier informed me he was responsible for my parents death. I almost killed him right then and there. But then he begged me to die and the realization dawned on me. It wasn't Captain Rogers that killed my parents. Hydra killed my parents. Hydra pointed their weapon and assassinated the people I cared most about. The Winter Soldier was their weapon. Captain Rogers isn't a monster. I've spent quite some time with him over the past year and have gotten to know him and the Winter Soldier personally. I know exactly who the man on trial before you is, and that is the exact reason why I am choosing not to press any charges against him for the murder of my parents."

The gasps and murmuring among the crowd almost annoyed Tony. Did they really think Tony had no heart and wouldn't be able to see it wasn't Steve who killed his parents, but Hydra? Contrary to popular belief, Tony has a heart and is able to see the true villain of a situation.

Matt Murdock once again stands to address the quieting members.

"As you just heard, Tony Stark, a man who has knowingly been housing the person who killed his parents, is able to push past his initial emotions and look at the situation with clarity. He is able to see the Winter Soldier was a weapon and not the real problem. The real villain here is Hydra. Captain Rogers had no choice but to follow through with orders. As Mr. Stark mentioned, the programming and brainwashing were so ingrained that Captain Rogers was actively trying to kill himself because of an order from a Hydra agent. Thankfully, Captain Rogers is no longer under their spell and is able to think and feel for himself now. Steve Rogers is a survivor and does not deserve to be prosecuted for the actions of Hydra."

Matt slowly walks back to the table where the Avengers are to take a seat. The room is silent as each leader is thinking about what they have heard today. Most of them came here today ready to press charges and watch Steve hang for his crimes, but it appears as though they could be reconsidering. Five minutes pass by before a man pipes up to announce his decision.

"It has become clear that the man in front of me today is a victim and does not deserve punishment. My father, King T'Chaka, was a victim of a Hydra attack. I am done letting vengeance consume me. Neither men could help their fate, and if I am able to help one of them find peace, then that is what I will do. The country of Wakanda refuses to press charges against Captain Rogers."

T'Challa has had previous encounters with the Avengers through missions and official meetings, but prior to right now, he has never given any inclination that he liked them or would ever even side with them. He is an excellent leader and warrior, proving his sense of diplomacy and grace today.

After T'Challa gave his decision, country after country announced their decisions to not press charges against Steve. Not one country, but the United States, is going to prosecute Steve for his actions as the Winter Soldier.

All eyes are on the President of the United States. Each leader and the Avengers are staring at him in shame and anticipation. The President sighs and announces his decision.

"After further consideration, the United States is not going to press charges against Captain Rogers for his actions as the Winter Soldier. As President, I am granting Captain Rogers a full pardon for any perceived and proven crimes committed in the last seventy-five years. You are a free man, Captain Rogers."

Bucky celebrates the news by pulling Steve into a hug and kiss in front of everyone. He doesn't care anymore - the man he loves isn't going to be taken away from him.

The Avengers congratulate Steve on his newly acquired freedom.

Steve excuses himself and cautiously walks over to T'Challa. Steve knows that the King is the Black Panther. He knows if push came to shove, T'Challa would be a worthy opponent and would actually have a good chance of beating Steve. But for right now, Steve just wants to express his gratitude.

"Your highness."

"Captain Rogers. Congratulations on being a free man."

"I wanted to say thank you. If it weren't for you speaking up and giving the decision you did, I would probably be hauled away to some underground facility never to see the light of day again. Your decision aided in giving me my life back, so thank you."

"There is no need for thanks, Captain Rogers. I know you are not responsible for the death of my father or truly responsible for the deaths of anyone the Winter Soldier has killed. You and my father were victims of Hydra. I was not able to help my father, but I am able to help you. I hope you find peace in this life. Good luck, Captain Rogers. I'm sure we will see each other again one day."

"Thank you, T'Challa."

Steve watched as T'Challa passed Bucky on his way out, noticing their nods of respect to one another. Steve is happy to finally be free. He knows the outcome today wouldn't have happened without Bucky and the Avengers.

"Hey, what did T'Challa have to say?"

"He said he hopes that I find peace in this life. I think I have, and I'm looking right at him."

Bucky was stunned by Steve's words. He loves this man more than anything else in the world, and he would have fought until death to protect him.

"Oh, Steve, I love you so much. You're my peace too, punk. I don't need nothin' else in life but you. You ready to get outta here?"

"Yeah, I am."

\--

The team is back at the tower celebrating Steve's newfound freedom.

"So Steve-O, what are you going to do now that you're a free man? Streak naked through Central Park? Climb the highest mountain? Avenger it up with us?"

"No streaking for me, thanks. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do, but whatever it is that I end up doing, it's gonna be with Bucky."

Steve and Bucky both rolled their eyes at the collective "awes."

"Actually, Steve and I have somethin' to tell ya." He glances over at Steve, squeezes his hand for reassurance, and looks back at his friends. "Steve and I been thinkin' about our futures and what we want outta life. After everythin' him and I have been through, we kinda want to take a break for a while."

The room was silent as their friends looked at them in shock. Natasha was the first to speak.

"You're quitting the Avengers?"

"No. I love you all and would never quit or abandon you. Me and Stevie want to get away for a little bit. Live life without prying eyes or feeling like we're constantly being watched. I bought us a house in Oregon. It's in the middle of the woods with no one around for miles. It's right on a beautiful lake. It's perfect for us."

"What if we need you?"

"I'll come. I'm not quittin' nothin'. If the Avengers are needed, then I'll come."

"Same with me. If the Avengers are needed, Buck and I will both come."

The news doesn't come as big of a surprise to the team as he would have thought. On one hand, they could understand if he never wanted to fight a single living organism again. On the other hand, he's Steve Rogers, a kid from Brooklyn too stubborn to back down from a fight.

"And we'll visit. And you guys can visit us too. The house is big enough for everyone, ever Thor over here."

"Good for you guys. You both deserve some peace and quiet," Sam says.

"I would be honored to be a guest in your home."

"I vote we have a paintball game or capture the flag. If there are woods around, it'll be awesome. I could bring Lucky too."

"Of course. We love Lucky."

"Wait. Who the hell is Lucky?" Tony was so confused.

"My dog."

"What dog? When was there a dog? Where is this alleged dog? Is it in the tower?"

"Tony, have you seriously not noticed my dog running around?"

"He's been in your lab before, Stark."

"WHAT?!"

"How did you miss a dog in your tower?"

"I don't know. Superspies over here kept him hidden. He better not pee and poop in here."

"We take him outside." Clint honestly cannot believe Tony hadn't noticed Lucky running around.

"He's slept in my bed some nights. Lucky is good at reading emotions. Kinda like a service dog," Steve says.

"What is happening in my own tower? Jarvis? Is this true? Is there a dog here?"

"Yes, Sir. The dog is currently on Mr. Barton's floor, sleeping on the couch."

"Even I met Lucky, and I'm in the lab just as much as you." Bruce thought it was good they told him a dog was in the tower, that way he wouldn't be scared if one day he heard random barking.

"Everyone knew but me. I like dogs. Why did no one tell me?"

"We all just assumed you knew."

"Well I didn't." Tony huffs and crosses his arms over his chest, pouting like a little kid.

"Swing by tonight and meet him. Lucky is great." Clint honestly thought Stark knew about Lucky. Oh well. He knows now at least.

"I will. It better not pee inside. I don't want this place smelling like animal."

Natasha focuses her gaze upon the two super soldiers who were fairly silent during the whole exchange.

"Bringing it back to the main topic of conversation, when are you two love birds planning on moving?"

"Two weeks. We'll still keep stuff here for when we visit, so packing won't be that bad for either of us."

"We'll help you move."

"You mean you'll come with us but all you really want is to scope the place out?" Steve knew Natasha's game.

"Well, duh. Don't be silly."

"It'll be fun! We can have a campfire and make s'mores."

"Whattya think, Stevie? Should we let our merry band of misfits help us?"

"I dunno, Buck… I guess they can come." Steve is happy his group of friends is supporting his and Bucky's decision.

"It's a date. J, mark it down in the calendar. It better not be some rundown cabin in the woods where you two are secretly planning on murdering us." Tony is secretly thrilled to be going. He's happy for these two idiot super soldiers.

"We could make it a real game of Clue. Y' know, who murdered who?"

"No killing in the new house for at least a year, Stevie. That goes for the rest of ya too. The only thing any of you are allowed to murder in our house are bugs. Those are fair game."

"Of course, Buck." Steve leaned in close enough so his lips practically touched Bucky's ear, and whispered, "Though I am going to murder that ass of yours in the bedroom. Gonna fuck you so hard after they all leave." Steve leaned away from Bucky to join back in the conversation.

Bucky on the other hand, is blushing from head to toe just thinking about Steve fucking him.

"We're going to stock up on food here and take it with us when we move. The closest grocery store around there is in the next town over - 20 miles away from us."

Bucky is happy Steve is talking because he is having a serious mental conversation with his dick, telling it to calm the fuck down. _Damn it,_ _Steve_.

"And Thor, you don't even have to worry about the lawn if you beam down from Asgard."

"Aye. I shall visit my Shield brothers. When I am in Asgard, Heimdall can see you and inform me if you are at your new house or here in the tower."

"You guys are welcomed any time. Jus' let us know if you're comin' by - you don't wanna walk in on us havin' sex or nothin'." Bucky finally willed his dick down until later.

"Ew, gross. No, thank you. I have many interests, but geriatric porn is not one of them. I need to cleanse my brain of that image. Robots, wrenches, experiments, lab, Pepper, Happy, Rhodey, the suit, press conferences -"

"What are you doing, Stark?"

"Cleansing my brain out loud."

"Well stop. It's weird." Natasha secretly loves Tony, but she'll never miss an opportunity to pick on him.

"I just want to say thank you, to all of you. Without you guys, I'd still be Hydra's puppet. Thank you for everything that you all have done for me. I don't deserve any of it, but thank you."

"Hey," Bucky takes Steve's hands into his own, "You deserve everything n' more. You've come so far, Stevie. Sure, we guided ya and helped some, but you did all the hard work. You're so strong, n' brave, n' beautiful. I love you so much, Stevie. And I wanna spend the rest of my life with you."

"I love you too, Buck. You brought me back and didn't run when I tried to push you away. You're my everything, and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you too."

"Get a room you two. No sappy stuff allowed. Save that shit for when we're all not right here."

"Grow up, Stark. You two be sappy all you want."

Sam is such a great bro. Bucky thanks his lucky stars for meeting Sam that fateful day in D.C.

"In all seriousness. Thank you all."

"You're welcome, Steve. We're all happy for you."

Steve and Bucky celebrate with the group for another few hours before calling it a night.

Bucky is curled up next to Steve on their bed, his head resting on Steve's chest with his fingers drawing patterns on his abdomen. He's thinking about the crazy year they both have had. He knows he can't change anything that's happened to Steve or take away all the guilt that the other man feels, but he will spend every day proving to Steve that he is worth being loved.

Steve pulls Bucky even closer, kisses the top of his forehead while rubbing small circles on his back. Steve finally has the only thing he's ever wanted in life.

"Hey, Buck?"

"Yeah, Stevie?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! I do hope you enjoyed this fic - I know I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> If you want, I am going to be posting outtakes (deleted scenes) on the same schedule I have for these regular chapters. I will probably post a couple of outtakes at a time, since they are fairly short. If you want, the first two outtakes will be posted on Monday - I am going to make this fic a series, so the outtakes will be part two of the series.
> 
> You all are the best and thank you again for reading, commenting, and giving me some kudos.  
> If you have any suggestions or would like to see something written, let me know and I can try and accommodate.


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